Remember the old Will Smith song, “Parents Just Don’t Understand“? Well I fell into that category last night (along with another Mom of a high school teenager hosting a party). One of my sons was going to a party at a house where we did not know the family. As we advise in our programs, we called ahead to talk with at least one of the parents – to find out their rules and policies for hosting a party. Do they allow alcohol and what are their expectations for the students?
The Mom who talked with me was GREAT! She said, “This is soo nice of you to call. We had a party several months ago and about 30 kids showed up. It amazed me how many parents of teenagers we did not know just dropped their teenagers off at our home.” We had a similar experience a little over a month ago. My son had some friends stay overnight. A couple of the friends were boys we had not met and they were dropped off without any questions. Neither myself or the Mom hosting last night’s party understand why parents wouldn’t call ahead or ask a few questions when they drop their teenager off at the party.
A few of you may be thinking, “Why would I call? I trust my son or daughter.” Is ‘TRUST” actually the concern? Would you allow your son (or daughter) to have anyone he wants to sleep in his room with him tonight (including a potential intimate partner or someone who is already an adult)? 98% of you say would say, “NO WAY. That is putting your child into a situation with too much temptation and/or risk before he is ready or mature enough to handle it.“ Exactly correct. Teaching lessons to our teenagers does not mean giving them full control to all situations. You take steps one at a time.
Before your teenager has learned to drive, you don’t throw him the keys and say, “Go learn and have fun figuring it out.“ Why? Because driving is too dangerous. The risks of inappropriate or unwanted sexual activity among teens at a high school party is equally dangerous (plus you can have valid fears of potential drug use, etc…). Start with baby steps by insuring you are sending your teen to an appropriate atmosphere.
For those of you wondering what to say when you call, here is the dialogue:
“Hi, Sue, this is Mike Domitrz. My son, Mark, is planning on coming to your daughter’s party tonight and so we wanted to call ahead since we haven’t met before. Do you have any rules for the teenagers at the party tonight our son should be aware of? Do you allow alcohol at your parties? We are not looking to report anyone – just want to know the expectations. For instance, are parents or mature adults in the vicinity of the teenagers throughout the night? If the teens are downstairs, does you or another mature adult go downstairs unannounced and check-in throughout the night?“
The thoughtful conversations which result by asking a few simple questions often can lead to a new friendship. You get to know some parents you didn’t know before – which is FANTASTIC for being able to have another sets of eyes and ears looking out for your child in future situations.
If you have had such a call with someone, share with us in the LEAVE A COMMENT section below. If you have never made this call, share WHY in the LEAVE A COMMENT section below. I will personally respond to each comment posted.
**UPDATE: A great question has been posted in the COMMENTS which has lead to an in-depth discussion on handling calls to parents of other teens.
Great post. Two nit-picky questions, though:
Is “intimacy” really the risk we’re worried about, the one we’re equating with drug use? I don’t have kids, but it seems to me that if I did, I’d approve of them seeking out intimate relationships. If it’s sex that we’re concerned about, wouldn’t we be better off just, I don’t know, SAYING that?
Also, the script provided is great. But it presumes receiver is in a two-parent, heterosexual household. It’s easily edited, obviously, but just a reminder that it’s more respectful not to presume — when calling strangers — that you know their relationship status/ orientation.
Thanks for the tips!
Good questions, Mary.
We use the word “intimacy” because many different unwanted sexual acts occur at high school parties, especially when alcohol is involved. While sex can certainly be one of the acts which often is forced upon another person, many other sexual acts are forced on males and females at high school parties. Research shows the misconduct against females is much higher.
To help us in correcting the script provided, we have since changed the reference to “your husband” to now saying “mature adult.” Thank you for catching that error in our original post. Being inclusive is essential!
Thanks again!
Thanks for taking the note regarding inclusion.
I still bristle at the word intimacy, though. Intimacy is about closeness, and unwanted sexual acts — of any sort — are not. Why not expand the understanding of sex beyond “intercourse” rather than blurring the meaning of intimacy, a positive thing?
Thanks for continuing the conversation. These situations often go beyond the word “unwanted” sexual acts. Two teenagers could decide to engage in sexual activity and then be charged with sexual misconduct/assault/battery because one or both of them is not of the legal age to give consent. Such situations do occur at parties and can have devastating results. While some parents disagree with these laws, they are the laws which can impact your child’s life greatly.
Hope this helps.
I think I understand where Mary is coming from on this. Intimacy can be seen as a neutral term that can either become positive (through consensual, legal, welcomed sexual and romantic relations – in its many forms) or negative (without consent or when illegal – such as under the age of 16, while intoxicated, impaired in other ways, saying no, NOT saying yes, if coerced/pressured into sex, and more).
So, intimacy is not really the issue, but the misdirection toward unhealthy intimacy. How we go about instructing healthy intimacy is something you know better than I for sure – I still refer to friends/colleagues about your amazing presentation style that tears down the barriers to necessary communication without being preachy or condescending. BRAVO!
I do appreciate the language change to be accepting of other relationships beyond hetero-normative marriages. It speaks volumes to your humility to change a small but important error!
Brian, thank you for your insight and your kind words! Getting the best wording helps all of us be more effective in our efforts.
Thank you for the role playing. Parents want to do right by their children and honestly, I find they just don’t know what is TRUST, what is APPROPRIATE, and what is their role. Those who can teach, teach and pass it on. Thank you again. Parent of a daughter, aunt to four nephews….friend to friend.
Natalie Caine Los Angeles
Natalie, we agree. The more parents share, the more we help each other. Please encourage family, friends, and colleagues to engage in this posting and share their thoughts.
While I don’t have children, I have encountered the party situation when a neighbor was gone and their daughters decided to throw a party in their absence. I was visiting my folks and my father and I were out for a walk at night when we noticed the party at a neighbor’s residence. We overheard plans for a beer run and observed one of the daughters bring a man into her room, close the door and start to get intimate (she left the curtains open). This was a new situation for both of us and one where we really weren’t sure what to do – we’d never discussed the possibility of an unsupervised party with the neighbor in spite of being friends for many years. We decided to act even though it might not be appreciated. We knocked on the door and asked to talk with the parents. No surprise, we received an answer that they weren’t there but the person would get the eldest daughter. It took a little while to get her – she was the one in the bedroom. After talking with her and letting her know we would be talking with her parents, the party rapidly broke up. When we talked with the parents the next day, they were *very* happy that we had done what we did and asked us to do the same thing if there was ever a repeat. For some odd reason, there never was a repeat!
The lesson I hope people take from this experience is don’t limit discussing appropriate parties to just the times your child wants to go to a party. Talk to friends and neighbors with and without children about expectations. If you don’t allow unsupervised parties, make sure your neighbors know that and let them know what you would appreciate them doing if such a party happens. Ask them what they would like you to do if the party happens at their place instead. Prevention is much easier on the nerves, wallet and heart than dealing with accidents, assaults and arrests after the fact.
Thank you for showing the COURAGE to take action and for sharing your experience with all our readers! You have provided GREAT insight.
This was an awesome insight. My husband and I don’t have children yet, but I went home and used this example with him and he loved it. More people need to be conscious bystanders.
Thanks, Sarah, for continuing to spread the message!
Mike,
I truly appreciate your insights and comments about teenagers (or any children) visiting with friends. It’s good to know that others are also concerned about the well being of their children when not in their presence. While my wife and I do not have children (yet), it is always great to pause and think about how this may impact us in years to come, so we don’t “make it up” as we go along.
I do have a question, however. In the scenario you portrayed with your son, the parent seemed interested and appreciative of your phone call. However, what would your response be to a parent with the following responses:
1. Why are you bothering me? My son/daughter can do whatever they want with friends….
2. Thanks for calling – yes, we do provide alcohol and just make sure they don’t drive home drunk.
3. We won’t be at the house, so I don’t know what will go on while we’re gone…
4. (No response)
There are obviously many more possibilities, but these are a few I’ve heard in some form or another.
Thanks!
Brian Medina
Towson University
GREAT QUESTION, Brian. Here are MY SUGGESTIONS for parents (will be interesting to see other parents’ viewpoints):
1. Why are you bothering me? My son/daughter can do whatever they want with friends….
MY RESPONSE: “I certainly didn’t mean to bother you. We call because we like to know the environment or atmosphere our teen is going into at a party. We understand many parents don’t call and so this maybe unusual to hear from another parent.”
IF the parent doesn’t want to talk with me and cannot respect our question, we are probably NOT going to allow our teenager to attend THAT party. The parent hosting the party seems to have a “teens can do whatever teens want” approach and that would be a major concern.
2. Thanks for calling – yes, we do provide alcohol and just make sure they don’t drive home drunk.
MY RESPONSE: “Thank you for being honest.”
The REST of the response depends on YOUR family views on alcohol in teen years. If you do not believe in a teen attending a party with alcohol, the original answer you received provides you all the information you need. IF you are okay with your teen attending parties with alcohol, then you STILL want to answer a few follow-up questions such as:
“Since you are careful to not let anyone drive home from your party (which makes a lot of sense), what do you do to insure no inappropriate sexual behavior occurs, especially with drinking occurring? Do you have extra people at the party watching for people drinking too much?”
3. We won’t be at the house, so I don’t know what will go on while we’re gone…
RESPONSE: “Will other adults be at the house and in charge of what is going on? If so, who?”
Odds are this call is going to end with, “Thank you for letting us know” and then having a conversation explaining to our teenager this party is being held in an atmosphere we are NOT comfortable putting him/her in. After all, SAYING, “NO” to a teenager’s request is part of teaching teenagers how to handle disappointment and shows how much you care. Remember you were going to let him attend the party – as long as the atmosphere is safe and healthy. You are not acting like a parent who doesn’t let their teen have fun.
4. If the person gives no response, I ask if they are still on the line and did they hear me.
Thank you, Osman, for bringing up the importance of integrity in teenage AND parent decision-making. How do parents suggest “integrity” be brought into the conversation regarding what parties a teenager can attend and cannot attend.