Mike Domitrz | Teen, college, and military sexual assault, school healthy dating, intimacy, and bystander intervention resources brought to you by The Date Safe Project, Inc.

Teenagers in North Texas Address Teen Dating Violence

As we find ourselves right in the middle of National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Week, I am encouraged to see teens and schools around the country participating in making a difference.

What we fail to realize is dating violence is often learned in schools from peers. Educating our teens about healthy relationships and raising awareness will greatly reduce the cycle of violence.

The Family Place and the Allstate foundation in the Dallas area in particular have done a wonderful job in creating awareness and providing tools for teens and families. The two teams joined forces to develop a 10 week teen dating violence awareness curriculum. The curriculum is being taught in 25 schools around the Dallas area and meets the requirements of the Texas mandate requiring all schools to develop a dating violence policy.

I look forward to the day that all schools offer this type of violence and awareness training.

Wichita Teen Speaks Out Against Dating Violence

With this week being dedicated nationally to addressing Teen Dating Violence, we are working hard to provide you insightful tips, stories, and inspirations throughout this week. Today’s focus? How do teens recover from violence? What outlets can we give them to express themselves?

Brian Latta, a Digital Productions teacher at Northwest High School in Wichita, Kansas assigned his class a project. He challenged his students to create a public service announcement about teen dating abuse. The public service announcement they were creating could only be one minute in length.

Not a lot of time to send an entire message. Not until one of his students took the challenge head on!

Ashley Hoyle experienced teen dating violence first hand. She is a survivor.

She wanted to express to teens, adults, law enforcement, and educators just how serious the problem is and how hard it is to recognize the signs. Ashley was able to tell others through her video what she wasn’t able to verbalize about her experience. Her message was so strong that she was selected to be the National Spokeswoman for National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Week which started yesterday (on Sunday).

Not only was she given the opportunity to warn and help others but she also has found a way to experience healing for herself. As I travel the country, I continually meet incredible survivors who share how writing, performance, or some form of expressing themselvs is what really sped up the healing and recovery process for them as survivors. Many of the surivors in the book "Voices of Courage" have talked about how powerful writing their chapter for the book was for their own personal journeys. Then to hear from other survivors who have praised the book — has simply made the journey that much more meaningful for them.

Being part of an abusive relationship eats away at self esteem. The abuser uses control and manipulation to slowly or quickly eliminate a victim’s self esteem. Providing the ability for a survivor to do something constructive with his/her experience re-builds the self-esteem.

When working with abused teens, explore what re-builds their self-esteem. What projects and contests can you sponsor or create in your schools and communities? Who will you team up with? Local TV, local cable access networks, print media, retailers, etc…

Self-esteem can also grow through finding ways to experience success in other venues: a sport, hobby or interest. Help survivors recognize how special they are to the world. Remind them of their many talents that make them remarkable. More than anything, help them realize how incredible they are for THEMSELVES.

This posting was inspired by the following article:
"Wichita teen a national speaker on abuse" by JILLIAN COHAN with Wichita Eagle. Click here to read full article.

Signs of Dating Violence or Abuse in Teen Relationships and/or Dating

Over the past few years, many of you do a really good job as educators and law enforcement identifying the signs of domestic abuse in children. You know what to do when you suspect it is happening; who to call; and actions to take. When it comes to teens abusing teens, the knowledge just isn’t there for many educators and law enforcement. The training has not been as readily available.

For some, it seems easier to come to the defense of a child when an adult is abusing them. You see the child as more of a victim, especially knowing the “power” component of children being taught to respect their elders, parents, relatives. Many adults use that power to control children.

When it comes to teen violence, it’s trickier. The perpetrators are their peers. People write off inappropriate comments by thinking, “That just part of being a teenager” or “Kids will be kids.” Some adults are intimidated by their own ignorance. You may not know the current language teenagers are using and so you feel out of touch. Instead of embarrassing yourself when intervening, you simply avoid the potential conflict. You do nothing.

Plus, we think as teenagers, they would speak out if someone their own age was making them feel uncomfortable or was hurting them. Reality is the direct opposite. Approval and being “part of the crowd” puts extreme pressure on teenagers NOT to speak out, even when they know something is not right. You don’t want to be the kid who ratted on someone.

What are the signs? Here are some starting points for teenagers (and even pre-teens) to look out for:

Extreme jealousy
Controlling behavior
Quick involvement
Unpredictable mood swings
Alcohol and drug use
Explosive anger
Isolates you from friends and family
Uses force during an argument
Shows hypersensitivity
Believes in rigid sex roles
Blames others for his problems or feelings
Cruel to animals and children
Verbally abusive
Abused former partners
Threatens violence

The above 15 points are from Michelle Woods and her team at MayDay Inc. Michelle also states that as an educator and law enforcement, you should be on the lookout for these signs:

Physical signs of injury
Truancy, dropping out of school
Failing grades
Indecision
Changes in mood or personality
Use of drugs or alcohol
Emotional outbursts
Isolation

Bottom line, we need to teach our teens to choose better relationships and partners. Re-enforce the qualities of a loving and fair partner. As educators, law enforcements and most of all parents, we are responsible for teaching teens the warning signs.

Here is a recent article where these tips were provided by Michelle Woods and MayDay Inc:
Baker City Herald – MayDay Helps Teens Avoid Violence

Students, Teachers, Parents, and Administrators Tackle Sexual Harrassment

Monday, February 4, 2008 marks the third annual “National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Week’. Beginning Monday, students across the country will begin campaigns bringing to light this reality among our children. Sadly, this reality has been an unnoticed problem for a long time.

According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention) a reported 9% of American teens reported they have been physically hurt by their boyfriend or girlfriend. Even more frightening is the way technology is being used to stalk, intimidate and abuse our children. Many teens are embarrassed to admit this is going on and it goes unreported.

As parents, educators, and law enforcement, it is our responsibility to teach our children that violence and dating is not ok, to identify what is acceptable behavior, and what to do if they do not like how they are being treated. We need to give them the tools to stay safe and date safe!

Here are some great links for more information: www.TheSafeSpace.org and www.BreakTheCycle.org

SHARE In the "Comments" section what students are doing in your area. If you have ideas for schools, parents, or law enforcement, share with us.

Helping it RAINN for sexual assault survivors across the country.

If you are aware of R.A.I.N.N. (the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network), you know the wonderful work Scott Berkewitz and his entire staff does for survivors. When sexual assault survivors e-mail us asking for resources available to them outside of their local area, R.A.I.N.N. always does a great job of supporting those individuals.

How can you help? The next time you have a member or friend is having a birthday, send a donation in their name to R.A.I.N.N.. Your gift will be a great sign of you thinking of your friend. Plus, you get to make a positive difference.

Scott Berkewitz and I just got off the phone. He was telling me about their new 24/7 Campaign you can contribute to. Visit them at www.rainn.org and check it out.

Honoring Martin Luther King Jr., His Legacy, & Respect

Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “A genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus.” On this day set aside to remember and honor the positive impact he had on our world, may we all work to mold a new consensus of respect of all people, males and females.

May we work to insure “respect” is ingrained in every aspect of our society – from a 4 year old born into financial poverty to the wealthiest and most powerful leaders in our world. For if respect was truly given and received by all and to all, we would have little need for the work many of us do.

Thank you, Martin Luther King Jr., for improving our world. While many of today’s society were never alive to meet you or hear your words in-person, your legacy lives forever!

CALCASA, Violence Against Women, Sexual Assault, and the Department of Justice: a great day in Washington, D.C.

Today, I presented at CALCASA’s Campus Training and Technical Assistance Institute in Washington, D.C.. Being asked to speak at this specific conference was a great honor. The conference started two days ago on Tuesday and was finishing up today (Thursday). The attendees were all recipients of the Violence Against Women Grant.

The morning started with the Department of Justice’s Director for the Office on Violence Against Women – Cindy Dyer. She shared her roots in the movement, including being the first woman to wear a pantsuit in her position back in the early 90s. Her sense of humor was matched with her commitment to making a positive difference in reducing sexual assault. She was guinely thrilled to have the opportunity her position holds. I am excited to see the changes she will initiate during her time in this office.

Following Ms. Dyer’s opening comments, I presented "Going All the Way with Consent" for 2 workshop sessions. During both programs, the audience members were engaging, fun, and passionate. We discussed how to produce effective and meaningful educational programs addressing consent, especially the importance of providing real solutions for students.

To end the conference, I gave the final keynote — "Can I Kiss You?" Getting to close out the conference for everyone was a honor, especially knowing the makeup of the audience members. This was a group of professionals who were knowledgeable and devoted to the issue. For the many people who came up and talked afterwards, Thank you!

None of this day would have been possible without the Department of Justice and CALCASA (the California Coalition Against Sexual Assault). The staff with the Office on Violence Against Women talked to me after my keynote and showed great support for the movement to discuss "CONSENT" in more educational programs. For the CALCASA staff who chose me as a workshop presenter and to have me give the final keynote, THANK YOU!!!

Strength of a Sexual Assault Survivor

After we received an amazingly powerful letter from a survivor who had recently read the book Voices of Courage, Karen D. Carroll (one of the survivors in the book and the Associate Director at Bronx SART) shared the following comment with us:

"I am frequently asked about how I got through my ordeal. I spent years asking….why me? It finally occurred to me 3 years ago that my experience happened to me not because of what I did, but because of what I will do!"

When you share the above quote with others, please give Karen Carroll all the credit!! Her words are a fantastic example of the strength survivors possess.

YouTube video hits home on Sexual Assault Awareness and College Students

Claire Kaplan, the Director of Sexual & Domestic Violence Services at the University of Virginia, shared a very powerful YouTube video earlier today. Ask yourself how you can utilize this video on your campus, with your peer educators, with students, with parents. Who could you get to work with you on spreading this video (your school’s own TV station, local cable access)? The film includes credits at the end which should help you get permission to do so. At The Date Safe Project, we are currently working on getting in touch with the Producers (trying to find who has permission for use of the video). As soon as we have more information, we will announce it.

After watching the video, what questions would you ask students, staff, parents, administrators? Share your thoughts by leaving a COMMENT on this posting.

A new semester of school brings fresh challenges for educators (mentally, emotionally, and physically).

Teachers, professors, educators, advisors, student leaders, and activists have shared throughout the years how busy this time of the year is for everyone. For middle schools and high schools, the first semester is wrapping up. For colleges and universities, a new semester is about to begin. Not surprisingly, do you notice how many people get sick during this 3 or 4 weeks? Stress.

Those of you who devote your lifes to helping others often forget to take care of yourselves. A common mistake for many of us. What do you do to relax and take care of yourself? Quickly grab a piece of paper. Draw a line down the middle so that you have 2 columns. Above one column write, "Relax" and at the top of the other column, write "Taking Care of Me." Now, write down everything you ENJOY doing to relax and to take care of yourself. If you have too short of a list, ask people what they like. Suddenly, you should have a nice list for yourself. Look at your daily schedule and take 30 minutes twice a day to do one of the "Relax" items and 30 minutes for one of the "Taking Care of Me" choices. The bigger the list, the better. Variety and options are key to most people sticking with a plan. Best of all, this approach makes taking care of you FUN!!

Start right here on this blog. Leave a COMMENT listing as many items as you can think of for "Relax" and "Taking Care of ME." The more we share, the more we tend to receive!