Parent Blog | Teen, college, and military sexual assault, school healthy dating, intimacy, and bystander intervention resources brought to you by The Date Safe Project, Inc.

Yes, I deserve a choice in sexual activity.

At the end of speaking to several hundred high school students yesterday, a student stood up and said, “I now know I have a CHOICE. I have the CHOICE to say, ‘Yes’ or ‘No.’” What a powerful moment for everyone in the room.

The word consent was being understood by some teenagers yesterday for the first time in their life. All genders overwhelmingly agreed that the more consent is properly taught, the more likely they are to abstain because they will recognize they are typically not ready. AND if they are not the legal age of consent, they learned important reasons for waiting.

sexual assault, consent, asking first, students, rape

No one, whether a teen or an adult, EVER owes a partner sexual activity of any kind. Engaging in sexual activity is not a “role you serve” when in a relationship. Intimacy should be wanted willingly by all partners and without any influence (emotional pressure, alcohol/drugs, etc…).

What are you doing to help the people in your life know they have a choice? Do YOU realize you have a choice? If you have sons or daughters, what choices do they feel they should always have in a relationship?

Have you ever sat down with your partner and asked, “What choices do you wish you had in our relationship that you feel are currently missing?“

When you ask this question, remember you ASKED and so it is your responsibility to listen and hear the person’s response with respect. Treating someone with respect does not mean agreeing with or accepting their comment to be true for you. Respect can mean being caring and thoughtful in your response.

In the COMMENTS section below, share the greatest discoveries you’ve had in your life about having “choices.” I will personally respond to each and every comment!

Written by Mike Domitrz on February 14, 2012

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Sex Ed: For Parents or Students (preteens or teens)?

Who needs Sex Ed more? Parents or students (preteens or teens)? From Abstinence Only to Comprehensive Sex Ed, Sex Ed has various meanings and belief systems attached to the concept depending on your community, upbringing, school system, government, and many more variables.

While many towns and cities around the country debate how and if “Sex Ed” should be handled IN the school, WHO needs “Sex Ed” becomes an interesting question. This past summer in an article that didn’t capture the media’s attention, a college student stated he thought PARENTS need Sex Ed today.

As I travel the world speaking with parents, many Moms and Dads share real stories of how naive their fellow parents are when it comes to dating and sexual activity among their pre-teen and teenager sons and daughters. Parents constantly share how everyone wants to believe, “Not my child.”

For parents who do believe in discussing Sex Ed at home, some if not many often don’t know HOW to talk about the issue – besides trying to scare their child away from intimacy. When you share with parents about a sexual fad taking place among school age children, many Moms and Dads look at you with disbelief. Sometimes, you even hear someone say, “I’m 45 years old and have never tried that – and never would.” Their children are thinking and sometimes acting beyond their parent’s imagination.

What do you think? Do today’s parents need Sex Education? What do you think parents need to learn and/or discover? Since many people say, “That is a subject which should be taught at home,” is home the ONLY right place for teaching “Sex Ed”? Would teaching both AT HOME and AT SCHOOL be more effective or less? Do most parents at home have the right information for teaching the subject matter? If you think parents do need Sex Ed, how would you recommend providing the education and actually getting parents to attend?

Share your thoughts and ideas in the COMMENTS section below.

Written by Mike Domitrz on December 16, 2011

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Understanding Child Abuse and Neglect

Written by Guest Blogger, Sharon Fox.

Child abuse is more than broken bones and bruises. While physical abuse is shocking due to the scars it leaves, not all child abuse is as obvious. Ignoring children’s needs, putting them in unsupervised, dangerous situations, or making a child feel worthless or stupid are also child abuse. Regardless of the type of child abuse, the result is serious emotional harm.

There are several myths about child abuse that need to be addressed. Here are a few of them.

Myths and facts about child abuse and neglect:

MYTH #1: It’s only abuse if it’s violent.

Fact: Physical abuse is just one type of child abuse. Neglect and emotional abuse can be just as damaging, and since they are more subtle, other people are less likely to intervene.

MYTH #2: Only bad people abuse their children.

Fact: While it’s easy to say that only “bad people” abuse their children, it’s not always so black and white. Not all abusers are intentionally harming their children. Many have been victims of abuse themselves, and don’t know any other way to parent. Others may be struggling with mental health issues or a substance abuse problem.

MYTH #3: Child abuse doesn’t happen in “good” families.

Fact: Child abuse doesn’t only happen in poor families or bad neighborhoods. It crosses all racial, economic, and cultural lines. Sometimes, families who seem to have it all from the outside are hiding a different story behind closed doors.

MYTH #4: Most child abusers are strangers.

Fact: While abuse by strangers does happen, most abusers are family members or others close to the family.

MYTH #5: Abused children always grow up to be abusers.

Fact: It is true that abused children are more likely to repeat the cycle as adults, unconsciously repeating what they experienced as children. On the other hand, many adult survivors of child abuse have a strong motivation to protect their children against what they went through and become excellent parents.

If you know of a child who is being abused or neglected, please contact your local Child Protective Services Department or Police. Every child deserves to live a happy and safe life.

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Sharon Fox
Protect Our Children Foundation

Sharon Fox is an author and child abuse activist. Being a survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse is what prompted her to fight so hard to protect the innocenc of children. To learn more about Sharon and protecting a child or children from abuse and neglect, visit www.goodcookin4u2.webs.com or www.protectourchildren.webs.com .

Written by Mike Domitrz on August 4, 2011

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Protect Children from Sex Trafficking & Abuse

Today, we hosted a LIVE ONLINE INTERVIEW with Lori Regnier and Pastor Mike from the Starbright Foundation Inc of Arizona. They did a fantastic job sharing how to protect children from Sex Trafficking and Abusive Relationships.

BUMMER: Unfortunately, the recording had an error and so we do not have the recording available. We greatly apologize.

Who: Starbright Foundation Inc Founders, Lori & Pastor Mike (http://www.starbrightfoundation.org).

Details: The Starbright Foundation shares how to protect children and young adults from Sex Trafficking and Abusive Relationships. Topics included in the teleseminar were: Internet safety in social media for children and adults (dating, chat rooms, etc.); Signs of abuse from sexual abuse, clergy abuse, cultic abuse, etc. and steps to intervene in house or in community; Local fundraising or involvement as volunteers. Your host was Mike Domitrz from the The Date Safe Project.

Cost was FREE.

Written by Mike Domitrz on July 26, 2011

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Time Alone for Talking with Your Teenage Son

When is the right time to talk with your teenage son or daughter about important issues?

This week, my wife is up North for the entire week with our 8th grade son at Boy Scout Camp. Yes, she is in living in a tent during a heat wave. Unfortunately, tents do not have air conditioning. The rest of us are hanging out together at home. We have 4 sons of which 3 are teenagers. Two of the boys are in high school and two are in middle school.

When I’m not on the road speaking, I’m often working out of my home office. This week, I am home after returning from speaking in the Northern most tip of Greenland last week (literally at the Polar Ice Cap). Two of my sons are at a friend’s house today. Thus, one of my sons and I are home with the house just to the two of us.

What do you do? Do you jump on this opportunity to have in-depth conversations? What do you think I did? Each chance I’ve had to take a break away from my work today, I’ve taken that moment to play my son in Ping Pong. Yes, 2 people hitting a little ball back and forth…with many a funny bounce along the way. We both enjoy the game and the competition. We always end up with at least a few laughs. Plus, we appreciate giving each other a hard time in the best of ways.

We will have many more days ahead for those “other” conversations (as we have in the past). The reality is the conversations we are having today by just hanging out and laughing are equally important. They too come from a foundation of love and caring for each other. Here is to taking 5 minute breaks for HAVING FUN with your son or daughter!

Written by Mike Domitrz on July 19, 2011

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KIA Responds to Dangerous Ad with Promise!

Click on image for full size version.

To the right, you are going to see an “Award Winning” Advertisement from KIA involving a teacher and a student. Be warned the Ad is considered disturbing by many observers. Please help us tell KIA and advertising firms around the world that this approach to marketing and selling is unacceptable! To promote pedophilia to sell or market a product is both sad and disgusting.

What can you do? Write KIA through their website. Contact your local and national media (TV networks, Radio networks, newspapers) and let your outrage be known. Remind KIA to show corporate responsibility in every aspect of their company. In the COMMENTS section of this post, share your ideas for helping to get this Advertisement removed.

LATEST UPDATE: KIA Motors has responded at the following link on their website: http://www.kiaresponds.com/brazil-ad.html

While this apology is a good start, we wanted to Kia to be ensuring the advertisement will not appear anywhere in the world to advertise their products (not just in the USA or their corporate headquarters in Korea).

Kia has responded to our request by sending us the following personal tweet: ”And our parent company Kia Motors Corporation has guaranteed the ads have never and will never run globally.“

Thank you, Kia Motors, for removing any possibility of such an Ad ever be used. We look forward to you setting up standards and a system to ensure such marketing mistakes cannot happen again in the future.

Written by Mike Domitrz on June 24, 2011

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2 Hours from Unrest!

As you read this article, I am only 2 hours from Unrest – a 2 hour drive in the dessert heat from Syria (a country who’s unrest is being observed by the world). What am I doing here? Preparing to talk with middle school students, high school students, and their parents tomorrow night in Southern Turkey. What does my location have to do with you? Good question. What unrest are you 2 hours from? What needed conversation with your child have you been avoiding or procrastinating with starting? Ask yourself, “What discussion with my child scares me?” The answer is the discussion you need to have today.

Why hurry? Because you can never be too early to a helpful and needed conversation with your child. When I’m across the world preparing to speak to middle school students, high school students, and their parents, I fully realize the NEED TO BE THERE because I am not able to physically be there for my own family. When you can’t physically be there (and you won’t always be able to physically be in the presence of your child), you appreciate how much you wish you COULD be there. Don’t wait for that moment of “could.” Create a MOMENT of NOW!

Not sure now is the right time? Here are common consequences of WAITING:

Wait til your child is out with friends late one night and you see a story on TV about “The Danger for Teens Today.” You suddenly begin to worry. Should you have talked to your child and given them the tools to handle those dangers? Yes. What about his or her first date? I don’t mean the one you know about. I’m talking about the time he or she meets someone at a friend’s house informally (BECAUSE they like each other). What decisions will your child make? If you have NOT been having healthy positive discussion before that time, their friends are liking feeding them unhealthy misperceptions on experimenting with intimacy. Or are you going to wait until your child tells you he or she is dating or start talking now?
What you don’t know CAN hurt you! Think about how foolish the old statement, “What you don’t know can’t hurt you” is as a parent. If being ignorant isn’t going to hurt you, it is going to hurt your child. Won’t that hurt you? Don’t be foolish. Educate with an upbeat and positive approach.

Yes, I’ve said “positive” more than once in this article. Being “positive” is one of the key factors to education sticking in a child’s mind. Scare tactics only make your child NOT want to talk with you in the future. If you spread fear, your child is likely to fear discussions with you. If you are “old school” and thinking “My child fearing me is healthy,” what decisions will your child make when he/she is no longer under your watch (becomes an adult)? A sudden urge of freedom from your fear may lead your child into very dangerous decision-making.

Tell your child today. Remember to add to the conversation how much you LOVE your child. Yes, I know many parents today tell their child, “I love you” on a daily basis (which is great). When you say it today, look your child in the eyes. Connect. Help the moment stick.

You don’t need to be 2 hours from unrest. You can choose to moments away from giving your child and you more peace and happiness!

P.S. If you want more resources, check out our free “How To” videos for parents by clicking here (and the “HELP! My Teen Is Dating” DVD and book set).

Written by Mike Domitrz on May 9, 2011

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Violence & Nudity. What does your child see and hear?

What does your child hear? What does your child see? What does your child absorb? When your child is at home, what images does he or she see on TV, the Internet, magazine covers, books, newspapers, iTouch, DS? What do you fear most? Your child seeing images of nudity or violence? What about at friends’ houses? How about the library?

Yesterday on FaceBook, I asked parents about censorship verses monitoring + discussion. A parent who works at a library said, “You wouldn’t believe what kids (and adults) are looking at while visiting their local library. Parents who think they can shield their children from what is out there are foolish. Sooner or later, your child will see it.” If she is correct, the question then becomes, “How does your child react to images of violence, nudity, and/or the combination of both?“

As parents today, we know our kids see video games involving violence. Even if not playing them at home, we know they will observe such games at friends’ houses (or at least hear about them at school). Kids definitely talk about their games at school (how far they advanced in the game, what characters they killed in the game, etc…). What about TV & movies? How much violence can be seen in a PG-13 movie? The answer is: A lot.

What about nudity? Significant nudity typically moves a movie into a “R” rating. Have your children seen images of nudity or heard peers talking about nudity (and/or pornography)?

Which issue are you more comfortable talking about with your children? Violence or nudity? HOW do you discuss both issues? Are you careful to separate positive imagery of nudity compared to the unhealthy view of pornography? Have you ever talked to your children about seeing violence and nudity together? Have you noticed how many movies show what they call “passionate sex scenes” which involve violence and nudity? Have you explained the danger of such imagery?

Share in the COMMENTS section below your approach to discussing violence and/or nudity. By sharing, you can help other parents gain greater skills to help their children.

Written by Mike Domitrz on April 27, 2011

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Mother of Teen Survivor on Dr. Laura Berman

Dr. Laura Berman had Mike Domitrz as her guest.

This past Tuesday when Dr. Laura Berman from the Oprah Radio Network (OWN) had me on as her guest expert, the mother of a teenage survivor of sexual assault called into the show. The sexual assault occurred 2 years ago and now the daughter is a teenager. The Mom was asking how to help her daughter set appropriate boundaries as she approaches dating. The lessons shared on the show are true for all teenagers.

You will hear strategies you will not typically hear anywhere else.

Click here to watch and listen to the clip from the show at http://www.oprah.com/oprahradio/Help-Teens-Stay-Safe-While-Dating-Audio. Then, be sure to come back here and LEAVE A COMMENT below.

Written by Mike Domitrz on April 22, 2011

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Masculinity in Disney Films

What do you think of the following videos analysis of masculinity in Disney movies? I share my thoughts below the video. Please share your feedback after watching the complete video!

While this short documentary does not acknowledge many of the characters its relying on are the “Bad Guys” in the film, the analysis does hold true for the “Good Guys” too. Think of how good looking by magazine standards all the “Good Guy” characters are in Disney Films (true of female characters also). Even after the Beast returns to being human in “Beauty in the Beast,” he remains a strong male with the physique described in the documentary above .

Does such imagery affect consent and respect? If you grow up thinking its the “Man’s Job” to take control, are you likely to “Ask First” and give your partner a choice? Share your thoughts below.

Written by Mike Domitrz on March 9, 2011

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