A Blog For Survivors | Teen, college, and military sexual assault, school healthy dating, intimacy, and bystander intervention resources brought to you by The Date Safe Project, Inc.

CALCASA, Violence Against Women, Sexual Assault, and the Department of Justice: a great day in Washington, D.C.

Today, I presented at CALCASA’s Campus Training and Technical Assistance Institute in Washington, D.C.. Being asked to speak at this specific conference was a great honor. The conference started two days ago on Tuesday and was finishing up today (Thursday). The attendees were all recipients of the Violence Against Women Grant.

The morning started with the Department of Justice’s Director for the Office on Violence Against Women – Cindy Dyer. She shared her roots in the movement, including being the first woman to wear a pantsuit in her position back in the early 90s. Her sense of humor was matched with her commitment to making a positive difference in reducing sexual assault. She was guinely thrilled to have the opportunity her position holds. I am excited to see the changes she will initiate during her time in this office.

Following Ms. Dyer’s opening comments, I presented "Going All the Way with Consent" for 2 workshop sessions. During both programs, the audience members were engaging, fun, and passionate. We discussed how to produce effective and meaningful educational programs addressing consent, especially the importance of providing real solutions for students.

To end the conference, I gave the final keynote — "Can I Kiss You?" Getting to close out the conference for everyone was a honor, especially knowing the makeup of the audience members. This was a group of professionals who were knowledgeable and devoted to the issue. For the many people who came up and talked afterwards, Thank you!

None of this day would have been possible without the Department of Justice and CALCASA (the California Coalition Against Sexual Assault). The staff with the Office on Violence Against Women talked to me after my keynote and showed great support for the movement to discuss "CONSENT" in more educational programs. For the CALCASA staff who chose me as a workshop presenter and to have me give the final keynote, THANK YOU!!!

Written by Mike Domitrz on January 17, 2008

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Strength of a Sexual Assault Survivor

After we received an amazingly powerful letter from a survivor who had recently read the book Voices of Courage, Karen D. Carroll (one of the survivors in the book and the Associate Director at Bronx SART) shared the following comment with us:

"I am frequently asked about how I got through my ordeal. I spent years asking….why me? It finally occurred to me 3 years ago that my experience happened to me not because of what I did, but because of what I will do!"

When you share the above quote with others, please give Karen Carroll all the credit!! Her words are a fantastic example of the strength survivors possess.

Written by Mike Domitrz on January 16, 2008

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Michael Vick and the Hypocrisy

Michael Vick, former quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons of the National Football League (NFL), should be condemned for the horrific actions he and others took against dogs. His behavior and actions were atrocious. The media jumped all over this case and the country rightfully so came to the defense of the dogs (many of which will end being killed).

The hypocrisy lies with the media and our general society. While everyone is yelling for Michael Vick to be put in prison and immediately kicked out of the NFL (by the way, I agree with those requests), where are all the people yelling for EVERY player in the NFL charged with Domestic Violence to be suspended (if convicted, then kicked out of the league)? Yes, animals need to be protected. Of course. What about women? You have these incredible physical specimens of athletes committing acts of violence against women. These charges are so common nowadays that they are just a quick news bit on ESPN and other sports segments. When players are charged or convicted, where is all the media covering the case and every possible jail sentence for the player (as they’ve done with Michael Vick)?

The NFL and almost every major professional league has seen numerous players charged with domestic violence. Where is the media doing an in-depth story on how few professional athletes get actual convictions compared to the rest of society? I am not insinuating that the majority of athletes behave in this manner. It doesn’t matter. These leagues like to portray an image of caring (look at their commericals showing their players doing good in the community). If they TRULY CARE, have a zero tolerance for violence against ANY person or animal. If any player is convicted, the player should be immediately kicked out of the league indefinitely.

Do people deserve 2nd chances? Yes. We all make mistakes. A second chance is what YOU choose to do with your life after making a mistake. It does not mean getting your job back. Typically, a second chance means starting over and learning from your mistake.

Written by Mike Domitrz on September 5, 2007

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Labor Day was anything but WORK

As I said last night, I love what I do and today was another fun day on the road. Starting at Union College, I got to see Matt Milless who is a member of my Advisory Council for The Date Safe Project. Matt always comes out to my program and shows great support. Kari made sure everything was taken care of for the program. Marcus is the new person in charge of Counseling at Union and he came out to be there for the students.

Next was Western Connecticut State University. Dean Walter Smith worked hard with Sharon Guck to insure they got me back to campus after speaking there last Spring. The passion in both of them is inspiring. They are sooo excited to get this message out to their students. You completely understand why they are both in jobs working closely with students! The above pictures are from the Western Connecticut State University presentation. Thanks, Dorota for sending the pictures.

Written by Mike Domitrz on September 3, 2007

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Going Home!

Today was a special day – the day I return to my hometown and my college alma mater, the Univesity of Wisconsin at Whitewater. The first presentation to over 800 incoming students included some special guests: my sister, her son, her daughter, my 2 oldest sons, my wife, my Dad, my brother-in-law, and Beth (our internet guru here at The Date Safe Project). With people you know and care about, you always get a little extra energy before speaking. Plus, you are speaking to the school that means so much to you. The woman introducing me was Marilyn Kile, the head of our Peer Education Team back when I was in school. She is a wonderful person and a dynamic professional.

Both audiences today were full of spunk. At one point, guys jumped up and high-fived each other over a concept we were teaching. Afterward, they had an organization fair at the fieldhouse. The campus gives us a table at the fair each year to meet and talk with the students. My sister, Cheri, who is a survivor of sexual assault (and is one of the contributing authors to Voices of Courage) was able to attend this year. Watching students go up to Cheri and tell her how honored they are to meet her is inspiring for me, especially when some of those students are survivors themselves.

The day ended with 11 of us going to dinner and simply enjoying the time together!! After I had been in 10 cities in the past 8 days, a dinner with family and friends was truly appreciated.

Written by Mike Domitrz on August 31, 2007

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Slowing down

Last night as I drove through the Appalacian Moutains, I was taken aback by the beauty, the serenity, the green of the hillsides, and the roll of the individual mountain. After landing in Dayton, OH this morning, I was driving into the city and noticed a wonderous water fountain to the left of the expressway. You felt like you were looking at 5 large firehoses shooting up into the air and landing in one spot together in the middle of the river. As Garrison Keiler was speaking through the car radio on National Public Radio with a repeat broadcast of "A Prairie Home Companion," you felt compelled to just stop. Take it all in.

Well I couldn’t stop in the middle of the expressway and so I enjoyed the moment for the second I had it. As for Garrison, his segment was captivating me. I hadn’t heard his show in several years. This episode had me with his every word. Garrison was telling a story about a husband daydreaming in his hammock on a nice summer day. His dreams went through humorous flashbacks from his life. I needed to stop and get a bite to eat before I spoke at the University of Dayton. The only restaurant open was the Starbucks I am in right now. However, my car radio wouldn’t let me open the car door. I had to hear the end and I’m glad I did. The ending of the story had the man admiring his wife as she walked into their home.

"Asking First" creates times in life that make us stop, slow down, and enjoy the moment. When you ‘ask first’, it forces you to pause. You get to take in every aspect of healthy intimacy without racing. By asking, you don’t miss out on CREATING an unforgettable moment. Of course, these are the moments you want to slow down, get right, and enjoy!

Written by Mike Domitrz on August 19, 2007

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Youth Leadership Conference Begs the Question

Earlier today, I spoke at NSA’s (National Speaker’s Association) Youth Leadership Conference. The attendees are 130 students ranging in age from ten year olds through sixteen year olds from around the world. The conference chair is a good friend of mine and fellow speaker, Sunjay Nath (www.sunjaynath.com). When he asked me to present, I was honored because my own children attend this conference each year. The attendees hear top speakers from around the world each day of the conference.

The group was wonderful to work with. Afterwards, I received an insightful e-mail from a parent of one of the attendees. He shared with me that my program was one of only two his son really talked a lot about afterwards. He said his son agreed with everything I said and only had one question. Here it was: "What if everyone you know thinks ‘asking’ is the right thing to do, but you are not sure everyone else will ‘ask first’?"

My response was the following:

"The question is not WHO will ‘ask first.’ The question is WILL YOU? Will YOU give your partner a choice by asking first? Will YOU support the survivors in your life? Will YOU intervene when friends have been drinking? You have all the power you need to make the right choice. What are YOU going to do?"

You can’t worry about what others are going to do. You must first look at your own decisions. Be a leader by example (not just by what you preach).

FOLLOW-UP: We heard back and were told this approach made all the difference. Interestingly enough, two of the counselors from that same conference had e-mailed me sharing how much "asking first" has dramatically changed their relationships for the better. Most people do want to make the right choice (whether they want to admit it to their peers or not).

Written by Mike Domitrz on July 11, 2007

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“Equal Choices” is a powerful slogan

Earlier today, I was speaking at a Wellness Conference for educators and counselors. The audience asked me questions about healthy dating, dating violence, and relationships pertaining to teenage students. If you work with teenagers today, you know many of them shut down the moment you say, "Dating Violence" because they feel the term is overused and they don’t think it applies to them.

How DO you connect with the very serious issue of dating violence? Two words . . . "Equal Choices." Ask students if they have "Equal Choices" in their relationships and then go through all the different kinds of choices each student makes in a relationship. You can even score the importance of the choices. For instance, who decides the following?

Movie to go see.
Where to go for dinner
Who is paying
Who drives when we go out
How much is too much drinking
Who we hang out with
Having friends of the same gender we are attracted to.
How far we go sexually with each other (specifically at each stage)

Does the same person tend to dominate? Does one person take control on issues that are more serious and/or long-lasting? Do you both have "equal choices" in all of these areas? If so, how do you establish the equal choices and how do you always honor them? If not, why not? What changes would need to take place for you to have "equal choices"? Certainly, you DESERVE to always have an equal choice in a relationship concerning YOUR life.

Written by Mike Domitrz on June 19, 2007

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Take Friday to HONOR this past Monday’s victims, survivors, family, and friends

Being that I work on college campuses across the country, we have seen the effect Monday’s tragedy has had throughout our nation. Here is a very simple way to HONOR those whose lives were greatly changed by Monday’s shootings.

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The following paragraph was provided by the University of Kentucky’s Women’s Place
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Spread the word – Orange and Maroon Effect

Virginia Tech family members across the country have united to declare this Friday, April 20th, an "Orange and Maroon Effect" day to honor those killed in the tragic events on campus Monday, and to show support for Virginia Tech students, faculty, administrators, staff, alumni, and friends. "Orange and Maroon Effect" was born several years ago as an invitation to Tech fans to wear orange and maroon to Virginia Tech athletic events. We invite everyone from all over the country to be a part of the Virginia Tech family this Friday, to wear orange and maroon to support the families of those who were lost, and to support the school and community we all love so much.

Written by Mike Domitrz on April 19, 2007

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We Must Take Notice

Monday’s shootings once again started with violence against women. We must start to engage our media and news outlets in this horrific pattern that is occurring throughout our country. The Amish School shootings targed females. The Bailey, Colorado school shootings targed females (include sexual molestation). Monday’s shootings began by the man killing two females in a one-on-one situation. We have video games where players can rape a women as a "reward" or to GAIN points. Write letters to the Editor and demand the need for our country to start facing the "Violence Against Women" occuring throughout our society.

Let us not have all of those lives lost on Monday for nothing. Help us to create real change by igniting the conversation on how our society needs to STOP normalizing violence against women. Once we get people talking, we can get them to take action — positive action!!

Written by Mike Domitrz on April 19, 2007

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