From The Road (Blog) | Teen, college, and military sexual assault, school healthy dating, intimacy, and bystander intervention resources brought to you by The Date Safe Project, Inc.

Wichita Teen Speaks Out Against Dating Violence

With this week being dedicated nationally to addressing Teen Dating Violence, we are working hard to provide you insightful tips, stories, and inspirations throughout this week. Today’s focus? How do teens recover from violence? What outlets can we give them to express themselves?

Brian Latta, a Digital Productions teacher at Northwest High School in Wichita, Kansas assigned his class a project. He challenged his students to create a public service announcement about teen dating abuse. The public service announcement they were creating could only be one minute in length.

Not a lot of time to send an entire message. Not until one of his students took the challenge head on!

Ashley Hoyle experienced teen dating violence first hand. She is a survivor.

She wanted to express to teens, adults, law enforcement, and educators just how serious the problem is and how hard it is to recognize the signs. Ashley was able to tell others through her video what she wasn’t able to verbalize about her experience. Her message was so strong that she was selected to be the National Spokeswoman for National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Week which started yesterday (on Sunday).

Not only was she given the opportunity to warn and help others but she also has found a way to experience healing for herself. As I travel the country, I continually meet incredible survivors who share how writing, performance, or some form of expressing themselvs is what really sped up the healing and recovery process for them as survivors. Many of the surivors in the book "Voices of Courage" have talked about how powerful writing their chapter for the book was for their own personal journeys. Then to hear from other survivors who have praised the book — has simply made the journey that much more meaningful for them.

Being part of an abusive relationship eats away at self esteem. The abuser uses control and manipulation to slowly or quickly eliminate a victim’s self esteem. Providing the ability for a survivor to do something constructive with his/her experience re-builds the self-esteem.

When working with abused teens, explore what re-builds their self-esteem. What projects and contests can you sponsor or create in your schools and communities? Who will you team up with? Local TV, local cable access networks, print media, retailers, etc…

Self-esteem can also grow through finding ways to experience success in other venues: a sport, hobby or interest. Help survivors recognize how special they are to the world. Remind them of their many talents that make them remarkable. More than anything, help them realize how incredible they are for THEMSELVES.

This posting was inspired by the following article:
"Wichita teen a national speaker on abuse" by JILLIAN COHAN with Wichita Eagle. Click here to read full article.

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Students, Teachers, Parents, and Administrators Tackle Sexual Harrassment

Monday, February 4, 2008 marks the third annual “National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Week’. Beginning Monday, students across the country will begin campaigns bringing to light this reality among our children. Sadly, this reality has been an unnoticed problem for a long time.

According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention) a reported 9% of American teens reported they have been physically hurt by their boyfriend or girlfriend. Even more frightening is the way technology is being used to stalk, intimidate and abuse our children. Many teens are embarrassed to admit this is going on and it goes unreported.

As parents, educators, and law enforcement, it is our responsibility to teach our children that violence and dating is not ok, to identify what is acceptable behavior, and what to do if they do not like how they are being treated. We need to give them the tools to stay safe and date safe!

Here are some great links for more information: www.TheSafeSpace.org and www.BreakTheCycle.org

SHARE In the "Comments" section what students are doing in your area. If you have ideas for schools, parents, or law enforcement, share with us.

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Helping it RAINN for sexual assault survivors across the country.

If you are aware of R.A.I.N.N. (the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network), you know the wonderful work Scott Berkewitz and his entire staff does for survivors. When sexual assault survivors e-mail us asking for resources available to them outside of their local area, R.A.I.N.N. always does a great job of supporting those individuals.

How can you help? The next time you have a member or friend is having a birthday, send a donation in their name to R.A.I.N.N.. Your gift will be a great sign of you thinking of your friend. Plus, you get to make a positive difference.

Scott Berkewitz and I just got off the phone. He was telling me about their new 24/7 Campaign you can contribute to. Visit them at www.rainn.org and check it out.

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Honoring Martin Luther King Jr., His Legacy, & Respect

Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “A genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus.” On this day set aside to remember and honor the positive impact he had on our world, may we all work to mold a new consensus of respect of all people, males and females.

May we work to insure “respect” is ingrained in every aspect of our society – from a 4 year old born into financial poverty to the wealthiest and most powerful leaders in our world. For if respect was truly given and received by all and to all, we would have little need for the work many of us do.

Thank you, Martin Luther King Jr., for improving our world. While many of today’s society were never alive to meet you or hear your words in-person, your legacy lives forever!

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CALCASA, Violence Against Women, Sexual Assault, and the Department of Justice: a great day in Washington, D.C.

Today, I presented at CALCASA’s Campus Training and Technical Assistance Institute in Washington, D.C.. Being asked to speak at this specific conference was a great honor. The conference started two days ago on Tuesday and was finishing up today (Thursday). The attendees were all recipients of the Violence Against Women Grant.

The morning started with the Department of Justice’s Director for the Office on Violence Against Women – Cindy Dyer. She shared her roots in the movement, including being the first woman to wear a pantsuit in her position back in the early 90s. Her sense of humor was matched with her commitment to making a positive difference in reducing sexual assault. She was guinely thrilled to have the opportunity her position holds. I am excited to see the changes she will initiate during her time in this office.

Following Ms. Dyer’s opening comments, I presented "Going All the Way with Consent" for 2 workshop sessions. During both programs, the audience members were engaging, fun, and passionate. We discussed how to produce effective and meaningful educational programs addressing consent, especially the importance of providing real solutions for students.

To end the conference, I gave the final keynote — "Can I Kiss You?" Getting to close out the conference for everyone was a honor, especially knowing the makeup of the audience members. This was a group of professionals who were knowledgeable and devoted to the issue. For the many people who came up and talked afterwards, Thank you!

None of this day would have been possible without the Department of Justice and CALCASA (the California Coalition Against Sexual Assault). The staff with the Office on Violence Against Women talked to me after my keynote and showed great support for the movement to discuss "CONSENT" in more educational programs. For the CALCASA staff who chose me as a workshop presenter and to have me give the final keynote, THANK YOU!!!

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Strength of a Sexual Assault Survivor

After we received an amazingly powerful letter from a survivor who had recently read the book Voices of Courage, Karen D. Carroll (one of the survivors in the book and the Associate Director at Bronx SART) shared the following comment with us:

"I am frequently asked about how I got through my ordeal. I spent years asking….why me? It finally occurred to me 3 years ago that my experience happened to me not because of what I did, but because of what I will do!"

When you share the above quote with others, please give Karen Carroll all the credit!! Her words are a fantastic example of the strength survivors possess.

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Michael Vick and the Hypocrisy

Michael Vick, former quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons of the National Football League (NFL), should be condemned for the horrific actions he and others took against dogs. His behavior and actions were atrocious. The media jumped all over this case and the country rightfully so came to the defense of the dogs (many of which will end being killed).

The hypocrisy lies with the media and our general society. While everyone is yelling for Michael Vick to be put in prison and immediately kicked out of the NFL (by the way, I agree with those requests), where are all the people yelling for EVERY player in the NFL charged with Domestic Violence to be suspended (if convicted, then kicked out of the league)? Yes, animals need to be protected. Of course. What about women? You have these incredible physical specimens of athletes committing acts of violence against women. These charges are so common nowadays that they are just a quick news bit on ESPN and other sports segments. When players are charged or convicted, where is all the media covering the case and every possible jail sentence for the player (as they’ve done with Michael Vick)?

The NFL and almost every major professional league has seen numerous players charged with domestic violence. Where is the media doing an in-depth story on how few professional athletes get actual convictions compared to the rest of society? I am not insinuating that the majority of athletes behave in this manner. It doesn’t matter. These leagues like to portray an image of caring (look at their commericals showing their players doing good in the community). If they TRULY CARE, have a zero tolerance for violence against ANY person or animal. If any player is convicted, the player should be immediately kicked out of the league indefinitely.

Do people deserve 2nd chances? Yes. We all make mistakes. A second chance is what YOU choose to do with your life after making a mistake. It does not mean getting your job back. Typically, a second chance means starting over and learning from your mistake.

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Labor Day was anything but WORK

As I said last night, I love what I do and today was another fun day on the road. Starting at Union College, I got to see Matt Milless who is a member of my Advisory Council for The Date Safe Project. Matt always comes out to my program and shows great support. Kari made sure everything was taken care of for the program. Marcus is the new person in charge of Counseling at Union and he came out to be there for the students.

Next was Western Connecticut State University. Dean Walter Smith worked hard with Sharon Guck to insure they got me back to campus after speaking there last Spring. The passion in both of them is inspiring. They are sooo excited to get this message out to their students. You completely understand why they are both in jobs working closely with students! The above pictures are from the Western Connecticut State University presentation. Thanks, Dorota for sending the pictures.

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Slowing down

Last night as I drove through the Appalacian Moutains, I was taken aback by the beauty, the serenity, the green of the hillsides, and the roll of the individual mountain. After landing in Dayton, OH this morning, I was driving into the city and noticed a wonderous water fountain to the left of the expressway. You felt like you were looking at 5 large firehoses shooting up into the air and landing in one spot together in the middle of the river. As Garrison Keiler was speaking through the car radio on National Public Radio with a repeat broadcast of "A Prairie Home Companion," you felt compelled to just stop. Take it all in.

Well I couldn’t stop in the middle of the expressway and so I enjoyed the moment for the second I had it. As for Garrison, his segment was captivating me. I hadn’t heard his show in several years. This episode had me with his every word. Garrison was telling a story about a husband daydreaming in his hammock on a nice summer day. His dreams went through humorous flashbacks from his life. I needed to stop and get a bite to eat before I spoke at the University of Dayton. The only restaurant open was the Starbucks I am in right now. However, my car radio wouldn’t let me open the car door. I had to hear the end and I’m glad I did. The ending of the story had the man admiring his wife as she walked into their home.

"Asking First" creates times in life that make us stop, slow down, and enjoy the moment. When you ‘ask first’, it forces you to pause. You get to take in every aspect of healthy intimacy without racing. By asking, you don’t miss out on CREATING an unforgettable moment. Of course, these are the moments you want to slow down, get right, and enjoy!

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Youth Leadership Conference Begs the Question

Earlier today, I spoke at NSA’s (National Speaker’s Association) Youth Leadership Conference. The attendees are 130 students ranging in age from ten year olds through sixteen year olds from around the world. The conference chair is a good friend of mine and fellow speaker, Sunjay Nath (www.sunjaynath.com). When he asked me to present, I was honored because my own children attend this conference each year. The attendees hear top speakers from around the world each day of the conference.

The group was wonderful to work with. Afterwards, I received an insightful e-mail from a parent of one of the attendees. He shared with me that my program was one of only two his son really talked a lot about afterwards. He said his son agreed with everything I said and only had one question. Here it was: "What if everyone you know thinks ‘asking’ is the right thing to do, but you are not sure everyone else will ‘ask first’?"

My response was the following:

"The question is not WHO will ‘ask first.’ The question is WILL YOU? Will YOU give your partner a choice by asking first? Will YOU support the survivors in your life? Will YOU intervene when friends have been drinking? You have all the power you need to make the right choice. What are YOU going to do?"

You can’t worry about what others are going to do. You must first look at your own decisions. Be a leader by example (not just by what you preach).

FOLLOW-UP: We heard back and were told this approach made all the difference. Interestingly enough, two of the counselors from that same conference had e-mailed me sharing how much "asking first" has dramatically changed their relationships for the better. Most people do want to make the right choice (whether they want to admit it to their peers or not).

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