The “Slut Reputation” Discussion

“But if I ask for a kiss, my partner is going to assume I also want a lot more than a kiss.”

Over the years of discussing verbal consent with students around the country, this concern has been expressed numerous times, usually by females of various ages. The worry is that showing any verbal sexual communication will lead to her partner thinking she wants “everything” and/or is a “slut.”

If BEFORE you go on a date or meet up you already have a gut feeling your partner is going to disrespect you and/or make assumptions about what he/she can do with you sexually, find a new partner. You deserve to be respected at all times.

The next question is usually, “What about BEFORE I know the person well enough to make a judgement?”  TALK with your partner openly and honestly.  By both of you understanding “How” to discuss boundaries, wants, and expectations for sexual activity, you help teach each other a respecting partner is going to LISTEN.  Your partner will hopefully quickly realize he/she cannot jump to conclusions with what YOU WANT.

One example for you to use on a date:

“Often toward the end of a date, it can get a little awkward because the 2 people don’t know what is expected. To avoid the awkwardness (especially since we are having soo much fun tonight), how do you communicate what you expect and/or want from a partner? For instance, I believe in always ASKING FIRST. If you want to kiss me, ask me. I’ll let you know my answer. I’ll do the same for you. If I want to kiss you, I’ll ask you. If I ask for a kiss or say ‘Yes’ to a kiss, it is a kiss at that point and not more. Anyone who just ‘goes for it’ and tries to do more without asking me first, the date is over. I believe in both of us respecting each other at all times. Is that cool?”

If after this conversation your partner thinks you are a “slut” for having a mature, open discussion on boundaries, follow the approach mentioned earlier and get a new partner! Find someone with the maturity and emotional intelligence to respect you at all times. After all, you deserve respect!

P.S. The above example script provided can be used by all genders and sexual orientation.

This high school student Asks First & Supports Sexual Assault Survivors

This Senior student at Bitburg Air Force Base High School makes a strong statement about asking first and supporting sexual assault survivors.  The last 2 weeks was filled with speaking to wonderful groups of high school students throughout Air Force Bases in Europe.

LEAVE A COMMENT to let him know what you think (he is excited to see your comments)!

Share your thoughts by LEAVING A COMMENT!

Senior high school student in England speaks of ASKING FIRST

This Senior student at Lakenheath High School makes a strong statement about consent and asking first. LEAVE A COMMENT to let him know what you think (he is excited to see your comments)!

Share your thoughts by LEAVING A COMMENT!

Teach consent to family, friends, and colleagues

Learn how to teach everyone around you about consent through casual conversation at work, at home with your family, at sporting events, and hanging out with friends.  The Date Safe Project and Mike Domitrz reveal this simple tip for engaging people in a fun learning moment.  Find out how your colleagues, employers, friends, sons, daughters, partners, boyfriend, girlfriends, teenagers, and others react and then SHARE their reaction with us in the “Leave a reply” box below.

Talking about and practicing today’s challenge will help people realize how important and VALUED consent is in all aspects of life.  As we make consent the standard for treating people with respect, males and females are more likely to be comfortable discussing sexual consent with each other before engaging in sexual activity – thus creating much safer intimacy and helping reduce sexual assault.

To receive the “Challenge of the Day” every Monday – Friday, subscribe to our blog in the upper right-hand column of The Date Safe Project blog.

REMEMBER to share what you experience in the “Leave a Reply” box below!!

Jamie Lynn Spears, Pregnancy, Statutory Rape, and the How Schools Need to Talk with Students

Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnancy, Statutory Rape, and Parents

The Jamie Lynn Spears’ official announcement she is pregnant is bringing up conversations about the legal age of consent for sexual activity.  From the Genarlow Wilson case in Georgia earlier this year to now the pregnancy of 16 year old Jamie Lynn Spears, our country needs to take a sincere look at consent and society’s current approach to sexual education in our schools and in our homes.  From teachers to parents, direct conversations are needed with pre-teens and teenagers.

The entire concept of "consent" is constantly misunderstood.  In reporting of pregnancies involving minors, the media often says "consensual sex among minors."  When a state has laws stating a minor cannot give consent with a partner of a specific age, the media needs to use the following wording instead, "mutually agreed upon sex." The failure to use the correct wording leads to students and overall society responding with, "How can consensual sex be rape?"  Consent is a LEGAL term.

Here is where the problem begins.  How many teenagers actually have MUTUALLY AGREED UPON sexual activity?  For the sexual activity to be "Mutually Agreed Upon," it would demand two people agreeing together – A CONVERSATION (No, not a contract.  Two people talking with each other).  However, we know most teenagers do not openly discuss their sexual activity with their partner until they are already at the point of being uncomfortable OR until after the act has already been done OR or not at all.

In speaking in high schools, students continually tell us that if they TALKED FIRST, it would slow down the speed at which the sexual activity is taking place AND often stop it from happening at all.  By talking first, they would frequently find the conversation uncomfortable which would be a telling sign one of the two people (if not both) is not mature enough and/or comfortable enough in the sexual situation that is about to occur!  Teaching consent the correct way helps increase abstinence and better protects today’s teeangers.