Dating | Teen, college, and military sexual assault, school healthy dating, intimacy, and bystander intervention resources brought to you by The Date Safe Project, Inc.

5 Fun Keys to Dating (plus 5 Bonuses)

Do you wish dating wasn’t so hard – or hurtful? Below is a list of ten helpful tips for having dates based upon mutual respect, fun and possibility. The title said, “5” fun keys. I like to surpass your expectations and so you get 10 (wouldn’t dating be more fun if dates surpassed expectations)?

No Dating Games

You constantly hear people talking about being in the “dating game,” yet they fail to realize games pit people against each other. Games aim to have a winner and a loser. Healthy dating requires a mutual success story. Therefore, eliminate all games, tactics and strategies. Simply go out and get to know your date better.

Plan Sunlight Dates

Go out during the day – something new and different! Go on a picnic. Go bowling. Pick an activity that will most likely encourage laughter. It’s much easier to be yourself in the day, than having to be this incredibly “romantic” individual in the evening. Afternoon dating also takes away the pressure of instant intimacy.

No Pity for You

Only date people you truly want to date and can trust. Accepting a date because you feel “sorry” for someone is disrespectful and uncaring. Why? You are being misleading another person and raising someone’s hopes. To turn down a date, say, “Thank you for asking. While I am very honored you asked, I don’t feel a connection between us.”

Stick to the Standards

Before you go on a date with someone new, write down your “dating standards.” For example, you might include on your list: I don’t want to be kissed unless I am asked. Unfortunately, many people make the mistake of lowering their standards in order to “win” over their date. If you are going to lose someone because you are determined to maintain high personal standards, then lose that person! You deserve to be with someone who respects you for being you. Whether the date is going badly or well, stick to your standards.

Only Listen to You

Friends love to tell friends what to do. Sometimes, they encourage risky and dangerous behaviors, or brag about things they really haven’t done in an effort to make themselves sound better. Above all, listen to your instincts.

Ask First and Answer Honestly

Before you even think about becoming intimate on a date, ask if your partner agrees. If your partner asks for intimacy, be honest. You never owe your partner anything you don’t want to share, especially something as precious and sacred as intimate acts of love and/or sexual activity. If you are asked and are not comfortable, say, “That is so cool that you asked. My answer is no because that is not what I want right now.” Be clear.

Remember it Takes Two to Tango

Dating is a partnership based upon mutual respect. Regardless of how different your date’s beliefs might be from yours, remember that he or she is a person. Avoid criticizing, interrupting and dismissing the other person. Hear them out. Talk about your differences. Learn from the exchange. You may just be misunderstanding each other. If you clearly understand your differences and still are not interested in the other person, make it a respectful last date!

Don’t Alter your Judgment

Avoid alcohol and drugs – especially on dates! Any substance that can impair your judgment and decision making can be extremely dangerous. If your partner is trying to pressure you into drinking, take notice! This pressure should be a warning sign of possible disrespect, carelessness, and trouble. You should end this date early!

Listen, Listen, Listen

Be careful about disclosing your entire life history, including previous relationship failures. Ask open ended questions designed to get to know the other person. For example, “Tell me about your greatest travel adventure,” and then listen attentively. Don’t interrupt or start sharing your greatest travel adventure! Everyone likes to be heard.

Talk, Talk, Talk

As you plan a date, involve your partner. Give a few of your ideas and then ask which is most appealing to him or her. By discussing how you will be spending your time together early on, you demonstrate the significance you place on equality in a relationship.

Dating should be fun and leave you feeling better about yourself – not worse. Start putting into practice one or all of the above ten tips for successful dating and you may find yourself meeting wonderful people and having great fun in your new relationships!

High school students address dating and asking first with intimacy

Students at Washburn High School in Washburn, WI did a GREAT job making the commitment to create positive change. From middle school through the high school, they realized the importance of “Asking First,” “Being a Friend,” and “Opening a Door.”

Watch their videos below AND LEAVE A COMMENT ON THIS POST! I will personally respond to each comment.

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We need to be blunt here: sexual dangers are monumental for today’s teenagers. What precise plan have you put into place to help your daughter (or son) have the needed skills to handle what she will face (beyond just the “Don’t Do It” talk)?

With TV, teen magazines, music, movies, peers sharing at school, sexting, and the Internet promoting sexual activity among teens, your daughters (and sons) are exposed to images making sexual activity look exciting, popular, and appear to be “what everyone is doing.” The pressure for your teen to be more sexual, including engaging in sexual activity, is stronger than ever. With all the talk of fondling, oral sex, and intercourse among today’s teenagers, how do you help protect your daughter (and son)?

You will notice the rest of this page refers to “daughter” when referencing a specific gender. Every point we will discuss pertains to BOTH sons and daughters! Referring to one gender makes reading an article easier to follow for everyone.

While some parents like to joke about, “I just won’t let my daughter go out,” that approach is obviously not healthy for a teenager. They need independence and to experience a social life away from Mom and Dad. Of course, that means you can’t be there all the time AND situations can go wrong. There is no way to guarantee 100% prevention of danger. What do you do?

You know the old parenting tactics of the past will not work with your teenager. Letting her find out on her own is way too dangerous and scary! Turning to unknown sources on the internet can lead to more confusion and potentially do more harm with your teenager. So where do you find CURRENT STRATEGIES for talking to you teen?

Have you tried talking to your teen about dating, sex, and intimacy? Did you get one of the following famous responses from your teen?

Rolling of the eyes
The look of “You don’t know anything.“
“Yea, Yea, Whatever” as they walk away.
“I am not talking with YOU about this.“
“I’m not doing any of this stuff anyways. You don’t need to worry.“
“I get it, okay?“

As you know, many teenagers love to talk with their friends about intimacy, dating, boys, girls, and even sexual situations. If they are having fun talking to their friends while getting lectured to by their parents, who are they likely to follow? Think back to your teenage years for a moment. Who wins? Their friends. Who loses in the long-run? You and your teen!

Isn’t it amazing how teenagers don’t believe you can possibly understand the feelings they are going through? Here is a pleasant surprise for many parents: most teenagers WANT to talk with their parents about dating, sex, and decision-making. Yes, you read correctly. Teenagers would prefer to hear from their parents and be “in the know” than to look naive with their friends. So why don’t they talk with their parents?

Finding out HOW TO get the conversation rolling the right way with your daughter is the first step. Do you know the biggest obstacle your teen has about sharing with you?

FEAR. The kind of fear that doesn’t go away by simply saying, “You can say anything to me.” By utilizing specific approaches which have a proven track record of working with teenagers of all backgrounds and demographics, you can overcome this fear factor teenagers possess about talking with Mom and Dad about dating, sex, intimacy, and decision-making. The key is finding an expert who will provide you with the strategies for getting your teen to talk with you AND can help insure you say the RIGHT WORDS once they are listening.

Mike Domitrz, critically-acclaimed author, expert, and internationally renown speaker, travels the world each year working with students and parents. As the Executive Director of The Date Safe Project, he is one of the country’s most sought-after speakers for discussing respect and dating with teens and parents. As a father of teenagers, he also understands how each day can bring new challenges. How can Mike help your family?

Research shows Mike’s approach with male and female teenagers results in a drastic increase with students changing their beliefs* after hearing Mike speak on what are usually considered “uncomfortable” and “sensitive” topics (*schools conducted pre-event surveys and post-event surveys).

While working with school districts throughout the country, Mike gets to hear thousands of teenagers share WHY they find talking with Mom and Dad to be uncomfortable. He also hears from the teenagers about the overly sexualized world they are experiencing (including their fears: from being “dumped” to being “used” to the tragedy of sexual assault). Before leaving each community, he asks the students what it will take for teenagers to listen to their parents. Knowing this answer can revolutionize a parent’s relationship with their teens.

On the same day he talks with the students, Mike meets with the parents. Moms & Dads equally share frustration and disappointment in not getting their daughters to take their advice. Continually, parents stress how different each of their children are and how it seems nothing works at times. Then Mike asks, “What has worked?” Thus accumulating the most successful strategies parents around the world are using. Wouldn’t that be interesting information to have?

When you combine the “best strategies” from parents with what teens state they NEED to engage with their parents – along with Mike’s unique track record of helping teens change their behavior toward dating, parties, sexual activity, and decision-making, you get a whole new approach for helping your daughter be as prepared as possible for protecting herself. Imagine your daughter in the healthiest relationship possible. What will it take for that picture to become a reality? Your teenager seeing YOU as the expert can be a big help!

Here is the good news (and exciting too). You now have an award-winning DVD and book set available which will help your daughter realize what a great source of knowledge you are while giving YOU the tools needed to be that fantastic resource for her! Imagine having an in-depth conversation about dating and sex with your teenager and then hearing her say, “Thanks for sharing with me. This was actually fun.” Picture your daughter telling you how she set strong standards with her partner right from the beginning of the date.

You deserve this unique connection with your teenager. You can make it happen starting today. HELP! My Teen is Dating. Real Solutions to Tough Conversations is an award-wining DVD & Book Set for both parents and teenagers. By sitting down in the comfort of your home, you’ll watch an entertaining, thought-provoking, and life changing DVD (in less time than you’d watch a movie on DVD). Plus, you get 2 critically-acclaimed books.

10 Skills You’ll Gain Inside HELP! My Teen is Dating:

1. How to start the talk and get your teen to listen.
This one method will transform how you talk with your teenager from now on (about anything). Have less stress and more fun together discussing sensitive issues.

“I found myself laughing, answering the questions, and nodding my head in agreement with the audience. We’ve all been told to ‘keep the lines of communication open’ with our sons and daughters, but nobody ever tells us how to do that. As a parent and educator, I guarantee that this video will give you the tools to talk to your teen about feelings and issues you thought were impossible to discuss.”
~ Cheryl Einsweiler, Parent and Community Resources/Educator

2. Three questions that define if your teen should be dating. Choosing a dating age is one of the most common mistakes parents make. When you realize this system for deciding when your teenager is ready to date, you will feel much better about your child being out with someone else. Best of all, your teenager will be safer.

3. What to say to your teen’s date. Many parents do not realize the impact this one conversation has with the date and their own teenager. When you discover the right way to address your teen’s dating partner, you and your child will have a tighter bond (including sharing a few laughs). More importantly, your teen will respect you and be more open with you.

4. The exact words for addressing intimacy. Words are powerful. Each word you choose will impact your teenager’s personal views of their body and sexuality. This one aspect will have the biggest influence on your child’s happiness in future relationships, including marriage.

5. How to establish clear & reasonable boundaries. Your beliefs are going to be a little different than your teenager’s views. If you ask your child, they may say they have the same views because they don’t want to disappoint you. When you understand how to bring out the true differences, you then establish the fundamentals for your teenager speaking out for herself (or himself) with their dates.

“HELP! MY Teen Is Dating is both funny, engaging, and educational. It will help you understand why a rock solid youth will give way to peer pressure. As a parent, I highly recommend it!“
~ John Hathaway, Health Educator & Parent (ID)

6. The power in Asking First. This simple concept is the most popular solution to eliminating the dangerous “dating games” teenagers play. As a parent, you will love this section!

7. The best way to discuss the dangers: from Alcohol to Sexual Assault. As you know, alcohol and drugs (including date rape drugs) are commonly used to rape, especially at parties. In fact, some teenagers brag about how drunk they get their partners before engaging in sexual activity. At the same time, most students do not believe it will happen to them. Every parent needs their child to realize this scare is real and then how to safeguard against it!

8. How to truly “Be There” for your child. Dating is dangerous and it involves great risk. As we discussed earlier, you can’t be with your child at all times. The greatest choice you can make is to give your teen every possible tool to protect herself. What if something still went wrong? There are no guarantees with a teen’s safety. What if your child was sexually assaulted? How would you handle it? Do you think your teenager would tell you?

The greatest lesson Mike has learned from traveling the country working with survivors of sexual assault is this one message: “Unless you say the right words to your child BEFORE a sexual assault occurs, odds are slim your child will ever tell you she was assaulted.” Too many parents make the crucial mistake of telling their daughter, “I’ll kill anyone who ever hurts you or touches you against your will.” Teen survivors of date rape state over and over how that one sentence is the #1 reason they never told their parents what happened. Find out what your teenager needs to hear you say! The right message is called “Opening the Door” and you will be emotionally moved when you discover the power in saying it.

9. Necessary skills to get your teenager to make good choices. When you discover how to talk with your teen about dating, the lessons crossover to all areas of life. If you can make a good dating choice, you can handle peer pressure better and stand up for yourself on any issue. Now you have a child who is more confident and wants to do the right thing.

“HELP! My Teen Is Dating provides parents and others with the tools necessary to have conversations with their teenagers as they begin to explore deeper relationships. The DVD encourages parents and others to demonstrate the care and concern that sometimes gets lost in the everyday routine of life, which in turn, nurtures teens’ self-confidence and the ability to make choices they won’t later regret. Listen, learn, be ready…watch HELP! My Teen Is Dating!“
~ Renée and Charlie Barr, Educators and Parents of two young women

10. Essential tips to fun and safer dating for your son or daughter. Do you know the best time for your teenager to go on a date? Do you know the worst place for a teenager to go? The DVD will uncover lots of surprise tips for dating that you and your teenager probably never thought of.

“Mike does an amazing job guiding parents on how to communicate with their teenagers about dating safely. Help! My Teen is Dating provides real solutions for parents and teaches fundamental respect for all people. A definite ’10′!“
~ Rose J. Torgerson, Sexual Assault Services and Education Coordinator for Cedar Valley Friends of the Family (IA)

PLUS:

Real-life scenes. Throughout the DVD, you get to observe parents and teenagers participating in role-playing scenarios. Seeing real-world examples makes using the information much easier for your family.

In Help! My Teen is Dating, you are given the precise ways to challenge and support your teenager in a manner that is both new, effective, and fun! You will find yourself laughing alongside your teenager; having a better connection with each other; comforted knowing you have a detailed plan for how to handle various situations; and looking forward to having more of these conversations.

Timing. Find out how to start the talk at the right time with the correct approach. Pick the wrong time and all you get is a very annoyed teenager who feels she (or he) is being forced to listen. The DVD will show you how to pick the right time — resulting in your teenager being better prepared to protect herself.

Includes 4 SPECIAL BONUS sections

The Internet and Keeping Your Teen Safe. Get some great insight on how to handle your teen’s use of the online world. You get more control!

Spirituality, Faith, & Dating. For families who’s religion is important, you will find this feature a great addition to the DVD. You find out how to incorporate religion appropriately into the discussion.

Sexual Choices Our Teens Face. Yes, your teens have more opportunities for sexual experiences than most of your generation did. What is common around the country? What is really going on. Find out here.

Access to Special Downloads. In addition to receiving the paperback books, you get e-book versions included on the DVD and several articles to download. Share them with family & friends.

Don’t Hesitate. Get the DVD & Book Set. Start the Conversation Now!

Purchase Today for 40% OFF at $29.97 = Get the DVD with 2 powerful books!

30 DAY GUARANTEE + FREE SHIPPING in United States. No Risk. Get Today!

After watching the DVD, how do you keep the message going? Teenagers love reading the interactive and insightful book May I Kiss You? A Candid Look at Dating, Communication, Respect, & Sexual Assault Awareness which is included as part of the set. How often do you hear of an educational book teenagers will ask their parents to purchase for them? May I Kiss You? is one of those rare finds. Inside, you’re teenager will discover:

20 Interactive Exercises
Dating Fear Factors
Asking? Are you crazy?
Rejection
Body Language Challenge
Values
Respect
Long-term Relationships
Dating Gender Gap
Help & Where to Find It
Privacy
Blame & Guilt
Family & Friends
Responsible Change

Self-Defense: Yes or No?
Awareness
Tips for Healthy & Fun Dating
Peer Pressure
Alcohol & Date Rape Drugs
Parties
Sexual Harassment
Double Standards
Talking Freely
Supporting Survivors
Opening the Door for Survivors
The Pledge for Action
Making a Difference
…and much more

A frustration parents often express is when teenagers think they are invincible. For this reason, Moms and Dads appreciate the inspirational book Voices of Courage being included with the DVD for providing their teens real examples of what can happen when tragedy strikes with sexual assault. Ten female and twelve male survivors share their personal journeys from being assaulted to becoming strong survivors! You’ll never view sexual assault the same after reading this one-of-a-kind book. More important, your teenager will have a realistic viewpoint of the dangers that exist in dating.

By utilizing the DVD with both books, you will have all the tools needed to help you and your teenagers engage in powerful and life-changing talks.

“Parenting is challenging at any age but parenting a teen is hardest of all. Mike Domitrz understands the tension between teens and their parents and even more critically, between teens and their peers.

Whether you have boys or girls, you will discover from Mike how to get your teenagers to have high standards, make good choices, and only date partners who give them total respect. Every parent needs to use Mike’s proven approach to making our teens safer on dates!“
~ Linda Hugle, Principal of North Valley High School in Grants Pass, OR

AWARD WINNING DVD & BOOK SET.
Maybe you’re thinking, “What are the odds this is actually going to help me with my teenager?” The award the DVD has received which means the most to many parents is the ”Best Parenting Book” award by RadicalParenting.com. Why? Teenagers chose the best books!! Yes, the books were considered to be the most realistic and helpful for teenagers!! How often can you find a resource for your teenagers that other teens recommend? Here is what they said when granting the recognition:

“Parents, teens, and tweens love the realistic and flexible solutions given to them in this interactive, entertaining, and useful resource. Regardless of your child’s personality, you will find various options for ways to connect with your son or daughter while helping him/her make better choices.“

PLUS, YOU GET A GREAT DEAL!

Finding a nationally renown expert to help you and your family is difficult and can be extremely expensive (hundreds to thousands of dollars). With the DVD, you get to bring Mike right into your own home for less than a night out at the movies and dinner for two. You don’t have to even drive out to your school and drag your teen with you (you know how much she dreads going to Parent-Child educational sessions). Best of all, you can watch the DVD on any given day in the future to review an idea or concept. Same with the books. Once you have them, they are yours. You are getting 2 critically-acclaimed books and an award-winning DVD for only $49.97. The books normally cost $36.94 by themselves. Specialized “How To” DVDs typically sell for for $99 to $125 each and you are getting everything for just $49.97. Plus, shipping is included for FREE.

Order Your Set Now for 40% OFF at $29.97.
Get award-winning DVD and 2 critically acclaimed books!
30 DAY GUARANTEE + FREE SHIPPING in United States. No Risk. Get Today!

EDUCATORS KEEP TALKING . . .

When I received the DVD in the mail, I could not wait to watch it. I had read so many good reviews about the program. I watched the program with my mom and we both enjoyed it. The author and presenter of the program was so intuned with the teen population and what is happening in society now. \My mom was so impressed with the DVD, she is going to recommend it to the PTA at my school.

~Melissa Burmester, bookrusonline.com

As a mother of teens, HELP! My Teen Is Dating has proven to be a powerful tool which allowed me to begin a conversation on a sensitive topic without feeling awkward. After viewing the video with my daughter, I feel she now has the tools and insights to make healthier and safer choices. Plus, Mike Domitrz’s approach has helped remove many of my own fears.

~Laura Stockdale, Community Speakers Forum Coordinator and Parish Episcopal School Board of Trustees (Dallas, TX)

At last, a how-to kit for parents navigating the treacherous territory of teen dating. This DVD will give you the confidence, skills, and information to truly engage your child in a dialogue about the important issues teens face in these relationships.

~ Carolyn Pukl, Health Educator at Lakeland Regional High School (NJ)

Mike Domitrz offers more than practical advice for parents. Throughout, Mike actually demonstrates the tools for talking with your teen about these issues.

~Rob Rephan, Rape Prevention Education Coordinator (CA)

The DVD answers a lot of questions parents have about how far to “get involved,” how to get teenagers to trust parents, and knowing when to trust your child.

~ Nicole Saavedra, Youth Services Coordinator for East Granby (CT)

BUY for 40% OFF at $29.97 TODAY. Receive the award-winning DVD and 2 powerful books!

30 DAY GUARANTEE + FREE SHIPPING in United States. No Risk. Get Today!

Note from Mike Domitrz

Thanks for visiting us here at The Date Safe Project. Helping teenagers make the safest and smartest choices regarding dating, respect, relationships, boundaries, intimacy, sexual activity, and intervening with friends in dangerous situations is a mission we take seriously each and every day. As the brother of a sexual assault survivor, I’ve seen first hand the trauma sexual violence can cause a family. No one should have to experience such pain.

We make it our task to help individuals and families lower the incidents of sexual assault while teaching how to build the healthiest relationships through strong dating skills and tools! For this reason, we worked relentlessly on creating the DVD and book set that would provide you with the most complete and risk-free resource available for parents of teenagers. Thus, you get our 30 day money-back guarantee and free shipping included with your purchase today!

Talking Dating, Sex & More with Your Child (Video)

Would you like to help your sons and daughters make safer choices when dating (whether now and/or in the future)? As a parent, you know how overly sexualized your child’s world is today. They face pressures from their peers at much younger ages than we did. They are exposed to images and ideas on TV, in movies, and on the internet we simply did not see at the same frequency.

The good news is you will discover HOW to connect and talk with your child in the video below. You already have great knowledge which can be a huge help to your child. Now, realize how to get your son or daughter to WANT to listen and gain your knowledge. In the below video, you will find a simple strategy for how your child thinks – without making them feel like you are prying for information.

When you finish the video, SHARE with us in the “Speak Your Mind ” section below. I promise to PERSONALLY respond.

~Mike Domitrz
Founder of The Date Safe Project, Inc.

ADVANCED STRATEGIES FOR TALKING WITH YOUR CHILD

IMPORTANT REMINDER: Each of the following videos refers to talking with “Teenagers.” Remember if you are a parent of a child younger than 13 years old, the videos give you a fantastic opportunity to prepare your child at an even younger age.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH NEXT VIDEO

Please post any comments or questions below in the “Speak Your Mind” section.
I will PERSONALLY respond to each comment you leave on this page!! Lets have fun taking this journey.

High School students & drunk “hook-up”s (sexual assault)

Within 5 minutes of the “Can I Kiss You?” presentation concluding at Alconbury Air Force Base High School in Alconbury, England, these 5 Seniors created the below role playing skit addressing alcohol and sexual assault. The students show you a creative way to address bystander intention (and did this all in 5 minutes).

Be sure to LEAVE A COMMENT about the work these students did on the video (they will be watching for your feedback)!!

Each day, we will publishing one new video from the speaking tour of high schools on Air Force Bases throughout Europe.

The General Assembly Parents LOVE to bring to their schools!

When it comes to middle schools and high schools teaching teenagers vital skills for decision-making regarding teen dating, intimacy, a comprehensive safety approach to sex and/or abstinence, MANY school systems do very little because they are afraid of how parents will react. Thus, students learn from each other and we all know teens teaching teens about sex is extremely dangerous.

In fact, today you are hearing more new stories from school systems and communities across the country involving teenage sexually transmitted diseases and infections. Plus, research is showing sexual activity is occurring at much younger ages.

As a parent, how can YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE? Work with your local school administrators to bring an interactive and educational program with long-lasting impact for your students. Bring in a program which does more than “Raise Awareness” – find a presentation which gives students precise skills they can immediately use in their lives. When leaders and educators see parents taking an active role in wanting a specific program for their students, many educators and administrators feel more comfortable moving forward and taking the needed action to bring the program to the school.

One of the most sought after experts in the country for providing these necessary skills to teenagers is Mike Domitrz, the Executive Director of The Date Safe Project Inc. and the author of HELP! My Teen Is Dating. His one-person show for students titled “Can I Kiss You?” is praised by parents, educators, administrators, and TEENAGERS! Unlike many experts who lecture students toward one specific agenda, Domitrz opens students’ minds to making better choices for themselves, their friends, and any potential future dating partners. Because of this unique approach, the “Can I Kiss You?” program is supported by parents on both sides of the heated debate between “Abstinence-Only Education” vs “Comprehensive Sex Ed” taking place in many communities.

Bring this one-of-a-kind General Assembly to your school, students, and community.
Click here for more information.

Going Beyond What Is Expected

Student Leadership When Addressing Healthy Dating & Sexual Assault Awareness

RA’s, Orientation Leaders, Peer Educators, and many other student leaders have fantastic opportunities to lead, especially when they are around other students on their campus. The challenge is “How Far Will You Go” to make a difference? Are you willing to take on an issue — even when you are not “required” or “expected” to address the specific subject matter?

When the issue of sexual assault awareness arises among student leaders, most of the leaders share that they participate in the “standard” talk about parties, date rape drugs, locking doors to the residence halls, etc… However, very few student leaders take action toward creating a “healthy and respectful atmosphere” in their living quarters.

EXAMPLE:

A couple (Partner A and Partner B) is returning from a party at 11:30 PM. They are arriving at the living quarters of Partner A who lives in the residence hall. Partner A has been drinking, but is not belligerent or obnoxious (simply “tipsy”). Partner B appears to be sober. You observe the couple going towards Partner A’s room. Do you do anything?

Most students report that they would check-in on Partner A and make sure that everything is okay. If everything appears to be okay, the observing student will tell Partner A to be careful.

A few student leaders (very few) would do the following: Approach Partner A to see if the person has been drinking. Once established that Partner A has been drinking, the student leader would turn to Partner B and say, “Thank you for bringing Partner A back to the hall. We really appreciate it. We will take care of everything from here. Thanks again.” If Partner B gets upset or starts arguing, the student leader would say, “Look, Partner A has been drinking and it is our responsibility to make sure that our floor mate is okay and safe in this hall. We don’t want to get you into trouble or Partner A — so please let us take care of Partner A.” If Partner B becomes violent or threatening, the student leaders would call security and immediately have the person written up. If the student leader was not a RA, then the student leader would seek out the RA or the hall director to help intervene.

Some people ask “Why would you get involved in this situation?” In most states, you cannot give consent if you are not of sound mind (which drinking can certainly contribute to a person not being of “sound mind”). What are the odds that sexual contact will be taking place in the room of Partner A — once the couple goes into the room by themselves? The far majority of students state that the odds are tremendously high that sexual activity of some kind will take place in a room of a couple returning from a party, especially when one partner has been drinking and is tipsy.

What if the situation was different? If Partner B was talking violently or in a threatening manner toward Partner A, then would you interfere? Most student leaders answer, “Immediately.” If you had heard a rumor that Partner B had sexually assaulted another student on campus, then would you interfere? The majority of student leaders reply, “Of course.” What is the difference? A person who is acting “violently” or “mean” appears to be obvious. However, — if Partner B is not acting so obviously, people are more likely to ASSUME that Partner B is safe. A dangerous assumption.

The question becomes “How far will you go to help protect your fellow students?”

- written by Mike Domitrz, Executive Director of The Date Safe Project and Producer of HELP! My Teen Is Dating. Realistic Solutions to Tough Conversations. Each year, Mike speaks around the world in over 80 educational and military installations sharing the important messages of respect, consent, bystander intervention and supporting survivors.
To obtain permission to reprint any or all portions of this article, E-mail Mike here

Do Your Kids Ask? Parents Teaching Respect & Healthy Dating

Below are the 8 most common questions parents ask me when I am speaking in their schools or with their community organizations:

1. Without sounding like you are lecturing and without endorsing sexual activity, how do you approach the issue of healthy dating and intimacy with your child?
Kids are constantly told by their parents how “times were different” and “we were more respectful.” The truth is our culture has had a very unhealthy and confusing approach to dating, intimacy, and sexuality for a very long time – today is no different. Once parents admit the feelings of confusion they had as a young person and discuss their ‘scary’ or ‘troubling’ moments, the teenagers are more likely to connect with their parents. Sharing difficult and scary moments also helps your kids see the dangers and consequences of making bad decisions in a realistic and thought-provoking manner.

Instead of telling your child, “How times were different when you were young,” find a commonality between the two of you. When you tell someone how different it was back when you were young, why should your child think you can understand what they are going through? Connect with your son or daughter by opening the conversation with a question that shows you do understand their worries, concerns, and thoughts.

For example, a parent saying, “I remember getting all nervous before a date because I was wondering lots of stuff like, ‘Will my date like me?’, ‘Will my date find me attractive,’ ‘I wonder what my date is really like.’ Do you ever get nervous like that?” This type of question can make a parent more approachable to their child. No matter what your age is or the “times” you grew up in, these difficult feelings cross all generations. The key to success is asking in a sincere and caring tone.

2. What are the correct dating behaviors and practices to teach?
Self-respect, respect for your partner, and high standards need to be taught to males and females at all times. When a person believes in his or her self, the person is more likely to make the “right” decisions in difficult moments. Students with low self-esteem are more likely to lower their standards to please their partner — a very dangerous and unhealthy practice.

We need to teach young people to “expect to be respected” and to not tolerate any forms of disrespect (a date should ask before trying to do “something with you”). We need to teach how speaking out for yourself is both strong and sexy (many fear speaking out will be unattractive to their dates). We need teach them to better understand what “respecting” a date means. Respect is not simply opening doors, paying for meals, or other signs of chivalry. Respect is holding your date in the highest esteem and always getting your date’s permission before trying to do “something” with your date.

One of the most common mistakes parents make is assuming that the males are always the sexual aggressors. More and more, we are hearing about females becoming the more sexually assertive person in the relationship. Try to avoid all assumptions of gender roles.

3. At what age do my kids begin learning about intimacy?
By observing their parents, children learn intimacy at an extremely young age. If a young man sees his father ask his mother for a kiss, he is more likely to believe that asking is how he should act. If a young woman hears her mother talk about how respectful and loving her father is, the young woman is more likely to want a more respectful and loving partner.

Parents should begin discussing appropriate touching at early school ages and then advance into issues of intimacy as those years approach. Due to the images and discussions the television and the entertainment industry promote to younger audiences, parents need to have these conversations at much younger ages (for many, prior to the age of 10 is appropriate — kids are seeing or hearing about much more explicit behavior by this age). Even if you do not let your children watch such programs, they are likely to hear about these shows from their peers.

There is no one magical age for these conversations to take place. Each set of parents must decide what is right for his or her child. However, the day your child is born is the day your child begins watching you. Make a conscience effort to display respect in all aspects of intimacy and sexuality by asking before kissing people. When your kids watch you, what will they learn?

4. What do I teach my kids about the “Age Laws?”
Parents must teach their child about age laws. Each state has very specific laws regarding minors involved with sexual activity. Two 15 year olds could give each say, “Yes” to engage in certain sexual activity with each other and they would still be breaking the law in many states. In addition, parents need to help young people understand that these laws exist to help “protect” them. Learn the laws in your state so that you can address the legal aspect – just don’t make the legal element your focus. Kids typically find such conversations to be boring and most kids don’t fear the authorities catching them engaged in sexual acts.

5. How can parents help their kids avoid peer pressure?
Immediately begin treating your child with respect and with great value. By teaching a child how “special” he or she is, you can help him or her understand “why” getting involved with intimacy should be saved for an extremely “special” moment. Research proves that the earlier a child gets involved in intimacy is directly related how much “value” the child places in his or her own self. For this reason, we need to connect with our children in an engaging and “open” approach.

Children fear being lectured and being judged. Children love to be “heard.” Ask questions, listen with an open mind, and then have positive discussions. When your child feels a special connection with you and understands “why” you have such strong beliefs, he or she is more likely to believe YOU over his or her friends. Plus, when a child understands the “why” to not getting involved with certain behavior, he or she will have a real reason for saying “no” to peer pressure (instead of simply saying “because my parents said so”). The child will WANT to say “no” because he or she will believe that “no” is the right answer!

6. My son is very respectful — why would I need to worry about him sexually assaulting someone?
Most “respectful” males still learn about aspects of intimacy through their friends and what they see portrayed on television and in the movies. These sources of education promote disrespectful behavior by teaching males that if they are “smooth,” they can just make their moves and their partner will want them. When males just “make their moves,” they take a tremendous risk of engaging in behavior that their partners do not want – thus leading to committing a sexual assault. Parents need to talk with their sons about truly respecting a partner by understanding how valuable and special each person is as a human being (including the body, the mind, sexuality, personality, and values). Sons need to learn that the only way you can be sure what your date wants is to “ask” your date first.

7. My daughter is tough and outspoken — I don’t have anything to worry about, right?
WRONG! Many tough and outspoken females have been sexually assaulted or have become unexpectedly pregnant. A “tough” and “outspoken” female might think she is invincible and that belief can be extremely dangerous (she may believe “she would never get pregnant” or that “no man could ever sexually assault me”). By being over-confident, she may be less likely to see potential signs of trouble. Another female may be very confident in most aspects of her life, but not with intimacy or relationships.

Parents need to teach their daughters “awareness” to better equip their daughters for noticing signs of trouble. At the same time, we must understand that there is no 100% form of sexual assault prevention that a victim or survivor can utilize (100% prevention can only result by the assailant not attempting the behavior). A young woman or man could follow every healthy dating advice ever given and still be sexually assaulted. Stress to your daughter that she cannot ever be at fault for someone sexually assaulting her – this point must be stressed. Many, many females never tell their parents about their assault because the daughter fears how their parents will react. Help your daughter know that you will be there to support her and love her at all times!

8. Do I really need to have these conversations?
Not talking about complex issues simply leads to confusion. When kids talk to their friends, every component is often exaggerated and glamorized (every romantic encounter is amazing and romantic in their “dream world”). Thus, building the young person’s drive to experiment with sex, drugs, and other dangerous behaviors. Help the child learn the truth by speaking honestly about your memories in a manner that they can relate to. If you can be a little humorous, you can help break the barriers down for your teenager to start talking openly to you.”

Film, TV, & Music Reviews with a Twist

Every week, new films and songs are released around the globe. Throughout the year, TV shows are launched. 24 hours, 7 days a week, you can turn to “Breaking News” on one of the many “news dedicated” cable channels. With all of these mediums constantly changing, how can you stay up-to-date or know how to hold appropriate conversations with students and/or people in your community about the shows everyone is talking about? Good news! Now, you have a source to turn to for fun, thought-provoking, and helpful reviews.

Here, you will find reviews from parents, educators, experts, and teenagers (giving their perspective). Each review will provide you with an unique perspective relating to how the media and/or entertainment outlet’s production effects society’s views of dating, sex, intimacy, relationships, violence, consent, and sexual assault. Having these analytic reviews will provide you with great tools to engage the younger and older generations around you with a different outlook the next time they watch and/or listen to the medium you are reading about.

You know how often people of all ages “roll their eyes” when you try to challenge everyday views on a subject. The reviews provided by DSP Critics (Date Safe Project Critics) will give you more useful and progmatic material to share with others.

Be a Reviewer. You can be given full credit for your reviews here at The Date Safe Project, Inc. or your reviews can be kept anonymous. You choose. Either way, you can create your own following as a DSP Critic. To send us a review of ANY medium, click on “Leave a Comment” on this page OR send an e-mail to Review@DateSafeProject.org.

50% OFF DVD for Parents of Preteens and Teenagers

In HELP! My Teen Is Dating: Real Solutions to Tough Conversations, you discover the following skills for better preparing your sons and daughters for healthy dating:

How to start the talk and get your teen to listen.
Three questions that define if your teen should be dating.
What to say to your teen’s date.
The exact words for addressing intimacy.
How to establish clear & reasonable boundaries.
The power in Asking First.
Discussing the dangers: from Alcohol to Sexual Assault.
How to truly “Be There” for your child.
Necessary tools to help your teenager make good choices.
Essential tips to fun and safer dating for your son or daughter.

Includes 4 SPECIAL BONUS sections

The Internet and Keeping Your Teen Safe. Get some great insight on how to handle your teen’s use of the online world. You get more control!

Spirituality, Faith, & Dating. For families who’s faith is important, you will find this feature a great addition to the DVD. You find out how to incorporate religion appropriately into the discussion.

Sexual Choices Our Teens Face. Yes, your teens have more opportunities for sexual experiences than most of your generation did. What is common around the country? What is really going on. Find out here.

Access to Special Downloads. In addition to receiving the paperback books, you get e-book versions included on the DVD and several articles to download. Share them with family & friends.

YOUR HOST throughout the DVD is the Executive Director of The Date Safe Project, Mike Domitrz. He is brought in by educational institutions around the word each year to share with their students the powerful “How To” skills revealed throughout this DVD.

Included with the 85 minute DVD, you get 2 critically-acclaimed paperback books: May I Kiss You? A Candid Look at Dating, Communication, Respect, & Sexual Assault Awareness ($19.97 Value) and Voices of Courage: Inspiration from Survivors of Sexual Assault ($16.97 Value).

Purchase for 50% OFF = $24.97 includes shipping (normally $49.97).

REVIEWS FROM EDUCATORS & PARENTS . . .

“Parenting is challenging at any age but parenting a teen is hardest of all. Mike Domitrz understands the tension between teens and their parents and even more critically, between teens and their peers.

Whether you have boys or girls, you will discover from Mike Domitrz (your host and Executive Director of The Date Safe Project) how to get your teenagers to have high standards, make good choices, and only date partners who give them total respect. Every parent needs to use Mike’s proven approach to making our teens safer on dates!“
~ Linda Hugle, Principal of North Valley High School in Grants Pass, OR

When I received the DVD in the mail, I could not wait to watch it. I had read so many good reviews about the program. I watched the program with my mom and we both enjoyed it. The author and presenter of the program was so intuned with the teen population and what is happening in society now. My mom was so impressed with the DVD, she is going to recommend it to the PTA at my school.
~Melissa Burmester, bookrusonline.com

As a mother of teens, HELP! My Teen Is Dating has proven to be a powerful tool which allowed me to begin a conversation on a sensitive topic without feeling awkward. After viewing the video with my daughter, I feel she now has the tools and insights to make healthier and safer choices. Plus, Mike Domitrz’s approach has helped remove many of my own fears.
~Laura Stockdale, Community Speakers Forum Coordinator and Parish Episcopal School Board of Trustees (Dallas, TX)

At last, a how-to kit for parents navigating the treacherous territory of teen dating. This DVD will give you the confidence, skills, and information to truly engage your child in a dialogue about the important issues teens face in these relationships.
~ Carolyn Pukl, Health Educator at Lakeland Regional High School (NJ)

Mike Domitrz offers more than practical advice for parents. Throughout, Mike actually demonstrates the tools for talking with your teen about these issues.
~Rob Rephan, Rape Prevention Education Coordinator (CA)

The DVD answers a lot of questions parents have about how far to “get involved,” how to get teenagers to trust parents, and knowing when to trust your child.
~ Nicole Saavedra, Youth Services Coordinator for East Granby (CT)

I found myself laughing, answering the questions, and nodding my head in agreement with the audience. We’ve all been told to ‘keep the lines of communication open’ with our sons and daughters, but nobody ever tells us how to do that. As a parent and educator, I guarantee that this video will give you the tools to talk to your teen about feelings and issues you thought were impossible to discuss.
~ Cheryl Einsweiler, Parent and Community Resources/Educator

Note from Your Host, Mike Domitrz

We make it our task here at The Date Safe Project to help individuals and families lower the incidents of sexual assault while teaching how to build the healthiest relationships through strong dating skills and tools. For this reason, we worked relentlessly on creating the DVD and book set that would provide you with the most complete and risk-free resource available for parents of teenagers. Thus, you get our 30 day money-back guarantee and free shipping included.