Protect Children from Sex Trafficking & Abuse

Today, we hosted a LIVE ONLINE INTERVIEW with Lori Regnier and Pastor Mike from the Starbright Foundation Inc of Arizona. They did a fantastic job sharing how to protect children from Sex Trafficking and Abusive Relationships.

BUMMER: Unfortunately, the recording had an error and so we do not have the recording available.  We greatly apologize.

Who: Starbright Foundation Inc Founders, Lori & Pastor Mike (http://www.starbrightfoundation.org).

Details: The Starbright Foundation shares how to protect children and young adults from Sex Trafficking and Abusive Relationships. Topics included in the teleseminar were: Internet safety in social media for children and adults (dating, chat rooms, etc.); Signs of abuse from sexual abuse, clergy abuse, cultic abuse, etc. and steps to intervene in house or in community; Local fundraising or involvement as volunteers.  Your host was Mike Domitrz from the The Date Safe Project.

Cost was FREE.

Written by Mike Domitrz on July 26, 2011

Mike Domitrz

Mike Domitrz talks with a student in Lake Forest, IL

  • His Story & Mission
  • Award-Winning Author & Publisher
  • Educator, Ally, and Expert

His Story and Mission:

Why does Mike Domitrz, Founder of The Date Safe Project, have such an intense passion and drive to:

  • Dramatically improve society’s approach to healthy dating;
  • Create a better understanding of how “consent” is obtained in intimacy;
  • Reveal the keys to effective bystander intervention with alcohol and sexual activity; and
  • Teach how to properly support survivors of sexual assault?

In 1989, Mike received a phone call informing him his sister had been raped. As he held the phone tightly to his ears, he simply could not believe what he was hearing.  For two years, he struggled to deal with the rape and the effect it had on his life – both as the brother of a rape victim and as a male.  He transferred colleges – so he could be close to home and his sister during the trial.  Once back home with his family, Mike saw the pain, rage and sadness his parents, relatives, and family friends were also going through.  The sexual assault of his sister had changed many people’s lives.

As months went by, Mike and his sister became even closer than before.  While going to school during these challenging times, Mike noticed no one was addressing one of the most serious elements of sexual assault — a failure to obtain consent.   The average person was NOT relating to the importance of needing to have permission before engaging in an intimate act with another person. Most individuals did not realize their current dating practices were based on standards of disrespect.

When it came to talking about the rape of his sister, no one knew what to say to him, his sister, or his family.  Most people had never been given the skills needed to support a survivor of sexual assault or his/her family members.  For the majority of people, talking about sexual assault was taboo.

Mike decided to make a difference.  In 1990, Mike approached one of the few experts who spoke around the country on sexual assault.  The expert was surprised and impressed with how Mike was a college student passionate about making a real difference on the issues surrounding sexual assault.  The expert provided Mike with lots of information including myths, laws, stories, and interactive exercises.  As Mike continued to research the issue of sexual assault and dating, he constantly heard students complaining that most sexual assault seminars, speakers, and experts were boring and depressing. At the same time, parents were saying, “My child would never do that“, but their kids were doing “that” and worse. Almost no one was connecting to the issue.  Mike knew what needed to be done.

Students having fun learning during "Can I Kiss You?" show

He started a “one person show” using a powerful tool, humor, to open people’s minds. Once people were laughing, they were much more likely to listen. With everyone’s attention glued to the program, Mike would show the devastation and trauma caused by sexual assault. The name of Mike’s program became “Can I Kiss You?” and has gone onto to be presented in schools, universities, communities, military installations, and at conferences throughout the world. He has created a truly interactive and engaging program that inspires change in the lives of each audience member.

While Mike’s program is one of the most sought after educational presentations today, the journey for Mike took time.  Keep in mind he started this work during an era when schools were  not openly discussing sexual assault.   Mike had to know what he was talking about.

While originally designing and producing the “Can I Kiss You?” show as a college student in 1991, Mike compiled extensive research from a diverse group of resources to insure his message was accurate, honest, and delivering healthy lessons. At first, he started speaking at elementary schools, middle schools, and a few high schools. From 1992-1993, he spoke in over 40 school systems in his region.  Then, he began speaking on college campuses.  While educators were praising his approach, most schools were still too afraid to bring a program discussing intimacy and sexual assault to their students.  While society wasn’t ready, Mike was not going to give up.

Over the next decade, Mike worked as DJ and high school coach where he honed his skills in:

  • Interactive education;

    • Mike roles play with a student from the audience in "Can I Kiss You?"

  • Educating teenagers;
  • Working with college students; and
  • Performing in front of big and small audiences

He was determined to work in any capacity he could in order to be an at-home Dad working on the mission.  In 2002, a couple of educational experts saw Mike present his “Can I Kiss You?” program at a national conference and they were amazed he was not traveling the country full-time speaking.  They began to tell everyone about his work and soon he was being sought throughout the country by organizations, schools, parents, campuses and the US Military.

Mike’s desire was to leave an impact much longer lasting than any one speaker could create.
In 2003, he founded The Date Safe Project, Inc. – our organization dedicated to leaving a positive impact on the many issues surrounding sexual assault and healthy intimacy. Rita was the first professional to join Mike as part of the DSP team and is still the person who takes care of you when you call today.

“I especially want to say how easy it was to work with your office. Rita was very helpful and always so quick to respond to any questions that arose.“
Janet Zylstra, Director of Health Services, Cardinal Stritch University

Since 2003, The Date Safe Project, Inc. has grown to 5 team members – helping organizations and individuals throughout the world.  We are honored to be one of the leading organizations for creating educational materials on consent, respect, sexual assault, and supporting survivors.  Schools, parents, students, community organizations, crisis centers, and the military constantly tell us they turn to The Date Safe Project, Inc. for realistic solutions to tough conversations.

For Mike, his work is based on his greatest inspiration – his sister.  Her strength and courage inspired him to speak out at the age of 21 years old.  Today, her inspiration has helped change many people’s lives around the world.  His sister is the entire reason the book Voices of Courage was created (she is one of the survivors/contributing authors in the book).  Mike wanted everyone to see the amazing strength inside of each sexual assault survivor.  Nothing could accomplish that goal as powerfully as his sister and the other 11 survivors did when they agreed to share their stories in the book Voices of Courage.  From the start, ALL profits from the book and audio CDs have been donated to organizations addressing sexual assault.

Today, Mike is grateful to be the father of 4 boys and married to his wife of over 16 years – all who support and believe in his calling. While being dedicated to the mission of The Date Safe Project, Inc., Mike has always stressed the importance of  setting aside time for family – for both himself and the entire DSP team.  For all the recognitions and awards he has received, Mike has always said, “My greatest blessing in life is my family.  THEY are amazing.” For this reason, he limits how many events he speaks at each year.  However, he never stops trying to create new mediums and outlets for sharing the important messages in his programs.  His drive to share is what led Mike to writing and creating educational materials.

Award-Winning Author and Publisher

As Mike was speaking throughout the country, he was continually receiving requests from students, educators, and parents to create educational products which share the powerful lessons he reveals in his “Can I Kiss You?“ program.  People wanted a resource that was just like his presentations — interactive, humorous, challenging, emotionally honest, and filled with skill building activities.

Since that time, Mike has become one of the most respected and prolific writers/producers of materials addressing healthy dating, consent, sexual decision-making, bystander intervention, sexual assault awareness, and supporting sexual assault survivors.

Help! My Teen is Dating. Real Solutions to Tough Conversations is Mike’s latest resource for families and is hailed as a MUST HAVE for parents of all teenagers.  With the DVD, you get over 80 minutes of interactive, funny, engaging, and powerful DVD video footage filled with precise tools to help your children face the confusing and frustrating times of dating and relationships.  To learn more about this powerful educational DVD for Moms and Dads of teenagers who want to better prepare their sons and daughters for dating and the many decisions regarding intimacy they are bound to face, visit: www.helpmyteenisdating.com.

May I Kiss You? A Candid Look at Dating, Communication, Respect, & Sexual Assault AwarenessIn 2003, Mike wrote his first book: May I Kiss You? . . . to rave reviews from 12 year olds to college students to parents to members of the military to book reviewers around the country.  Mike had written a direct and to the point “How To” book for dating.  Filled with exercises and challenges, the reader finds him/her self questioning the current dating system and discovering a much healthier and more romantic solution — Asking First!  To learn more, click here.

While writing his first book, he was already planning for his second.  From the inspiration of his own sister and the many survivors he had met over the years, Mike  wanted to give the world a book that would demonstrate the incredible strength and courage sexual assault survivors display on a daily basis.  In 2005, he brought twelve survivors of sexual assault together from around the country to share their personal journey to healing and recovery in the critically-acclaimed book Voices of Courage.  All profits from  Voices of Courage are donated to organizations addressing the many issues surrounding sexual assault.

In addition, Mike has contributed chapters and sections to many books available in stores and online.  You can learn much more about Mike’s books and all his educational products (CDs, T-shirts, buttons, and posters) in the “Educational Tools & Resources” section of this website.  Due to the impact his products and resources have had on society, educators, schools, the US military, and the media continually turns to Mike as one of the leading educators, allies, and experts for responding to current news stories.

Bring Mike to Your Community. Call now 800-329-9390 (or click here to email us) to receive a special 24 page informational magazine and to find the best remaining dates available.

Educator, Ally, Expert, and Media Source

With Mike, you get a passionate educator and a top authority who leads the way by challenging the norms and status quo.  You get a dedicated ally who commits to always respecting every aspect of a very sensitive topic AND working hard for every client to help create a positive impact (an advocate on your side).  You get an engaging and blunt professional who TV, radio, and print outlets say captivates their viewers, listeners, and readers.

Audience members quickly connect with Mike’s personal mission.  All genders know he is their ally.  At the conclusion of each presentation, Mike thoroughly enjoys spending time with every interested audience member.  When people from all walks of life approach Mike and share with him, he is honored.  The greatest moments are often the words shared by survivors!

“I will never forget the impact you have made on my heart and those around me. I am a victim of rape . . . God is working through you in so many ways, and I just pray that hearts continue to be open and willing to listen to what you have to say.” 
– A student from Hastings College

Each year, Mike works closely with school systems, university campuses, and community organizations (service groups and crisis centers) to help improve their ability to create long lasting change for teenagers and adults alike. Often when Mike is speaking in a middle school or high school, the local crisis center is the organization who brought him to the community.  Why? Because his work and approach is highly respected by those in the know.

Laura Bush, First Lady

“Thank you also for writing for children and providing a positive framework of behavior for our youth. With best wishes“

Click here to read entire letter.

When speaking on a college campus, the health center, counseling center, Women’s Center, Gender Studies, Residence Life, Athletics, Dean of Students, and Student Activities frequently TEAM UP to bring him to their students.  Why?  Because each department on campus knows Mike will bring a positive perspective and give their students what they need emotionally, intellectually, and for their overall life education.

“I thought he was wonderful – full of life, energy, and enthusiasm…he made you stop and think and appreciate the “being” in human. I look forward to seeing him again next year.”  Elizabeth Marcuse, President, LIM College

When military installations bring Mike to present, frequently he is first contacted by the SARC (Sexual Assault Response Coordinator). Once leadership attends the “Can I Kiss You?” briefing, they put the word out for everyone to attend!  Why?  Mike’s respect of the military’s perspective is apparent right from the start. Military Leaders appreciate his understanding of their challenges and realize how Mike can help them overcome obstacles with the men and women they lead.

As an educator, professionals continually seek out his special “Going All the Way with . . .” training workshops.  Teachers, professors, activists, community educators, and advocates love how open and sharing Mike is in each workshop.  He gives you the tools to do what he does back in your community.  Teachers have driven 5 hours to attend Mike’s one hour training programs to help them better connect with their students and audiences.

NBC, ABC, and CBS have all featured Mike’s work.  Over the years, he has appeared on over 40 shows (radio/TV).  His live interviews leave reporters and broadcasters talking about the lessons he shared well after he leaves their studio and/or offices.  Radio personalities love how Mike can engage listeners and keep an interview flying throughout.  Journalists and writers turn to Mike for captivating quotes and comments for their  next story.

Call 800-329-9390 Today to Bring Mike’s Impact to Your Community
Be Sure to Ask about the Special Offer.

Written by The Date Safe Project Inc on February 2, 2011

Boy Scouts Share Important Message

Are you ever asked, “How do you know you are making a difference? How do you know your audience (or students) actually remembers your message?”  Speakers in the education world and teachers particularly get this question a lot because so many people wonder if teens retain the messages being shared with them.  Yesterday, audience members surprised me.

For the past week, my son was in the Northern Woods camping with his Boy Scout Troop (6 hours from our home).  When he arrived home with his Troop, he began sharing all his great stories from the week (catching a 25″ Northern and getting the “Lumberjack” Award). In mid-sentence, he suddenly said, “Dad, try to guess what happened?“

“What?” I asked.

Son: “I got some free food and extra stuff from the store for free because they knew you.“

Me:  ”WHO knew me?“

Son:  ”The boys working in the store.“

Me:  ”Who were they?“

Son:  ”I don’t know.  They saw my name ‘Domitrz’ and asked if I was related to you. When I said, ‘Yes,’ they talked about your program and how awesome it was. Then they gave me some stuff and EXTRA FOOD!!“

Me:  ”Were the boys from around here and working all the way up there for the summer?“

Son: “No, but they knew you.“

Me:  ”How old were they?“

Son:  ”High school age guys.“

While I’ve been blessed to hear stories of people seeing students wearing my “Can I Kiss You?” and “Want Some Action?” shirts in fun locations (Disney World, etc…), this quick conversation was soo much cooler. To know high school students in the middle of the Northern woods at a Boy Scout camp (6 hours away) KNEW MY NAME was the surprise. Had my son been wearing one of my shirts and these boys thought of the connection to me, I would have still have been pleasantly honored to know my audience had such a positive memory.  To know they knew my LAST NAME was the shocker.  They simply saw “Domitrz” and started talking to my son.

Neither I nor my son are the focus of this story.  This small group of audience members get and deserve all the credit. Each of these young men made a CHOICE to open their minds and commit to change (not letting an important message be forgotten – even months after originally hear the concept).  Regardless of what friends said, the entertainment world displayed before them, and their peers who tried to influence them otherwise, these students stuck to  message they believed in!  Kudos to each of them.

I only wish I had way to say, “Thanks” to each of them personally.  Thanks for sharing with my son. Thanks for believing in a positive message.

Why do I share this quick story?  With the amazing talent you possess, I know you have peers and/or audience members you never knew you impacted – those same individuals who are excited to tell others they heard you and want to spread the message.  Here is to the blessings of being a speaker, educator, activist, and/or  caring individual making an impact.  Thank you for all you do to make this world a better place.

Written by Mike Domitrz on July 26, 2010

This high school student Asks First & Supports Sexual Assault Survivors

This Senior student at Bitburg Air Force Base High School makes a strong statement about asking first and supporting sexual assault survivors.  The last 2 weeks was filled with speaking to wonderful groups of high school students throughout Air Force Bases in Europe.

LEAVE A COMMENT to let him know what you think (he is excited to see your comments)!

Share your thoughts by LEAVING A COMMENT!

Written by Mike Domitrz on April 5, 2010

Senior high school student in England speaks of ASKING FIRST

This Senior student at Lakenheath High School makes a strong statement about consent and asking first. LEAVE A COMMENT to let him know what you think (he is excited to see your comments)!

Share your thoughts by LEAVING A COMMENT!

Written by Mike Domitrz on April 2, 2010

High School students & drunk “hook-up”s (sexual assault)

Within 5 minutes of the “Can I Kiss You?” presentation concluding at Alconbury Air Force Base High School in Alconbury, England, these 5 Seniors created the below role playing skit addressing alcohol and sexual assault. The students show you a creative way to address bystander intention (and did this all in 5 minutes).

Be sure to LEAVE A COMMENT about the work these students did on the video (they will be watching for your feedback)!!

Each day, we will publishing one new video from the speaking tour of high schools on Air Force Bases throughout Europe.

Written by Mike Domitrz on April 1, 2010

Thank you to Good Men Project featuring Mike Domitrz

A big THANKS goes out to the http://www.goodmenproject.org/ for recognizing our founder and Executive Director, Mike Domitrz.  Check out the article at http://www.goodmenproject.org/

Written by The Date Safe Project Inc on February 21, 2010

Sexual assault, alcohol & supporting survivors @ Wake Forest

WOW!  Wake Forest University knows how to promote an educational event addressing sexual assault, intimacy, dating, and alcohol.  Better yet, they know how to get RESULTS!  Last night, over 1100 students (over 25% of their student body) attended the “Can I Kiss You?” program in Wait Chapel.  The team on campus who was responsible for bringing me to speak was a DYNAMITE combination of talent, expertise, and passion.  They worked diligently with several organizations and groups (Athletics, Greek Life, and the Student Center — all which showed up in big numbers).

As you scroll down through this blog posting, you will see video footage from the event.  Join the Wake Forest students in making a commitment by signing the “Pledge for Action” here.

Did you attend the program at Wake Forest University?
If so, share your thoughts and feedback!  Let us HEAR your voice by using our Audio Testimonial Program (click here).  Another option is to share in our online forums.

Remember to INVITE all your family and friends to watch you in the below video!!

Written by Mike Domitrz on January 27, 2010

Sexual Assault Survivors in College PRAISE program.

The most important person in the audience of a program discussing sexual assault is each SURVIVOR.  While many programs discuss the pain of sexual assault, you want to insure the presentation you bring to campus UPLIFTS and provides each survivor a positive outlook for the future.  Read below to see the difference the “Can I Kiss You?” program and Mike Domitrz’s approach is making with survivors!

“Your program was absolutely an amazing one to watch. I happen to be a victim of sexual assault and your program definitely helped me to realize that people do care. In my situation, i told only a few people, but no one believed me. When you mentioned how you should call up someone that you care about or even love to tell them that you’re there for them, it brought tears to my eyes. When i eventually told my story, so many people did not believe me, and it hurt. I felt like no one was there for me when i needed them most. It brought tears to my eyes also because my little sister has been forced against her will to perform sexual acts on an older boyfriend she once had, and she was not ready. It made me cry because i love her so much and i wish she never went threw that pain. I called her up tonight and told her exactly what you told us to tell someone we loved.

Now she had never told me this before, but she had mentioned it to my other sister who told me. But tonight she opened up and told me everything she could. And i was so glad i could be there to listen. Your program helped me to cope a little better with the feelings i have bottled up inside of me from the assault that i went threw. It helped me realize that people really do care. And i hope that everyone that attended tonight’s program at Westfield state college realizes the importance of asking. Its simple, just ask. Thank you.”

– A college student at Westfield State College in MA

“When I was 12 my grandfather sexually assaulted me. I confessed a year later, received counseling for a week, told the police my story, but nothing was done. My family wouldn’t push charges, ignored the incident, put a smile on, and pretended it never happened. They did not want to scar our family’s name, especially someone as important to the community as my grandfather…a doctor. Every family gathering, I had to share meals, give him presents, hug and kiss my assaulter goodbye, acting as if nothing happened. I thought no one cared, until I was 17. My grandfather passed away and my older brother called me, the first thing he told me was “I remember, and I’ll always be here.” That was the first time anyone in my family ever acknowledged the situation in five years.
Earlier today while I was watching you up on stage you made me feel loved and cared for. I am not a family’s shameful secret; I am a person, a survivor. Thank you.”
– A college student in Wisconsin

“You just came to my school a few short hours ago and I absolutely loved your presentation. I was really touched by your helpful information and just want to thank you, as a ‘survivor.’ I really wanted to meet you and tell you in person, but the crowd was too pushy and I was too close to the door before I had breathing room. I got your books and a t-shirt though, my roommate bought them for me. Because of your wonderful seminar, I called my mom as soon as I got to my dorm and told her everything about my encounter.
If I hadn’t gone to your seminar, I know for a fact that I would never have told my mother, and I know now that I shouldn’t have waited so long. I just want to thank you once again. My life looks much more brighter without that constant nagging feeling of doubt whether I should tell someone or not.”
– A college student in Missouri

“I will never forget the impact you have made on my heart and those around me. I am a victim of rape, and I have been sharing my story for about six months. Now, I took the challenge of letting those around me know I am there for them if they ever need to talk. Doors are opening, and someone shared with me within less than a minute of the words coming out of my mouth. God is working through you in so many ways, and I just pray that hearts continue to be open and willing to listen to what you have to say.”
– A student from Hastings College

“I was in your audience tonight. I am a freshman. I was in the front row in a black sweater, nervously devouring my fingernails.

The attached letter (not included here to protect confidentiality) is my Victim/Witness Impact statement that I read on August 25th, less then 2 months ago, to my best friends father before he was incarcerated.  I came forward what will be two years ago this February 13th, two days before my 20th birthday.

I have never felt anything close to what I felt as I walked out those doors tonight. And like every other high school/college student has, I have walked out the doors of quite a few of those programs.  As you said you receive dozens of emails, many of which, I’m sure share similar stories. That fact has always left me feeling no need to send in one more sob story, but tonight I felt different. It might be the fact that this was the first program I have been to since I’ve come forward and claimed my title as a ‘survivor’ or, maybe it was because I had a total stranger tell me how proud he was of me. A man who had never met me, who had never heard my story or seen me try and cope. I’ve heard my family, my friends, the police, the court officials and all of the people who have supported me through out this whole ordeal tell me how proud they are of me how strong they think I am and so on and so forth till I was blue in the face. But after so many times you start to not process it, or, like in my case you continue to not.

All of those people had heard my story. You hadn’t, like I said before. You didn’t even know I was there. Tonight was the first night I really heard someone tell me I was brave. And it hurt. In that room tonight I became a fighter and a survivor. I realized that everything that happened to me should have never happened. I have repeated that phrase ceaselessly for the past year and a half without them ever meaning anything to me. Thank you for bringing meaning to them. I have sat in therapy for an hour and half twice a week for the past year and half and have not felt the way I did tonight. The program tonight did touch so much on the type of abuse that was down to me as a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 7th grader and everything in between. However did about what happened to me as a freshman in high school and most recently as a senior. The August before becoming a freshman, I began a “courtship” with what would be a junior. I was in love. I had an upper classman, and not just any upper classman, but the captain of the basketball and golf teams. We started dating in November and by March he was threatening to break up with me if I didn’t sleep with him. In April I explained to him why I wouldn’t sleep with him. He was the first person told, but he was the second to tell me it wasn’t a big deal. I laid in his arms and told him how since the beginning of second grade, when I moved to Martha’s Vineyard, Steven had been sexually abusing me. I explained to him how Steve would call me out of bed at night, with his very own daughter in the next bed. How he would call my parents to arrange play dates, play dates that were kept only by him and not his daughter. When I had finished telling this all to my John (name has been changed for confidentiality reasons) he kissed me on the forehead and told me he was sorry, but that if we had sex he would never hurt me like that. Needless to say I forgot the whole thing ever happened because it was after all obviously not a big deal. If it was such a bad thing Steve would have never done it, and if John really loved me, and he didn’t think it was a big deal, then it must not have been. We broke up a year later. . .

Steve pled guilty (and confessed to) to sixteen counts of indecent assault and battery (he confessed also to several other charges that had not been brought up by me, but had been against me) on a child under the age of 14, but pled not guilty to the twelve counts of statutory rape.

In the 19 months leading up to the trial I never felt as brave as I did tonight, sitting in your audience. I wish I had heard your program sooner.  In all the other programs I had been to, none had asked the students to ‘open the door’ for someone else. Nor had the speaker experienced a first hand account of what rape can do to a person. When you asked us to close our eyes tonight, I saw Julie (name replaced for confidentiality). Julie is the daughter of Steve. What hurt me the most, before our friendship ended, was the day she told me she couldn’t remember her childhood. I was sad at first because that meant she couldn’t remember all the fun we had had and all the times we had made cookies with her now deceased mother. After I came forward I replayed the same conversation in my head and hurt all over again. When something traumatic happens, as I’m sure you know, you block it out. Sometimes, even a whole childhood. Julie has yet to come forward and we have not talked since her father was put away. Tonight however I opened the door for her. I created a MySpace account and wrote her a message telling her I loved her. I didn’t sign my name, but I did leave the link and phone number to a national help hotline.

I don’t know if she’ll come forward, or if for that matter anything ever happened to her, but I do know I opened the door, just like you had asked us to do.

It has taken me close to all night to write this letter, which I’m sure is filled with atrocious spelling and painfully obvious punctuations and grammar mistakes, but that is after all why I wrote it from my college dorm room.

I can’t explain to you what tonight meant to me. What happened to me was not necessarily what happened to me, but the way people can reach out and help is exactly the same. When you explained that it wasn’t funny, that a girl could rape a guy, and that survivors find nothing about rape amusing I looked around and realized I had been the only one in my row not laughing.  Before tonight I probably would have laughed, but after you told me how proud you were of me and how strong you thought I was, I couldn’t. I thought about the little boy that could easily been in my place and I couldn’t laugh.

Thank you so much for what you gave to me tonight. I am a survivor of acts for worse then an unwanted kiss, but from tonight on I will never have to put up with another unwanted kiss or touch because I know I can say no. More importantly however is that I will be damned if see a person I love go threw the pain I did because of something I could have prevented.  This revelation could very well have come at another time, but it came tonight and because of you.”
– A college student from NY

“Dear Mr. Mike Domitrz:
When you came to my campus, I spoke with you about me being a victim of sexual abuse when I was teenager. When I was in high school, I asked my girlfriend, at the time, if I could kiss her (we were dancing). She replied, ‘Yeah I guess, sure.’  I think I might have caught her off guard. Well, that was in 1999; now it is 2005, and I am a recently un-closeted, 23 year old male. I have never been asked, ‘Can I kiss you?” Guy’s mistakenly assume it is okay.
I wrote a speech for ‘Take Back The Night’ (this is my speech for tonight). Here it is:
‘Good Evening, My name is __________”. Last Semester, I spoke about being a victim of both physical abuse (at the ages of 6 to 12) as well as sexual abuse (at the age of 14). However, after attending the speech entitled: “Can I Kiss You?“, by Mr. Mike Domitrz, last Tuesday night, I have realized that I am not a victim of the abuses; but instead a SURVIVOR. Thank You, Mike.’”
– Damian (NY)

“I would like to thank you so much for your words and compassion. I have never considered myself a survivor or even a victim, but after last night I realize that I have been involved in nonconsensual physical contact and I have a renewed outlook on that experience after your presentation. Thank you for telling the stories, they are so important and I have an immense respect for you and the people you have worked with. A friend and I talked last night until 1:30 about your perspective and he was reduced to tears, we were both truly moved.  Thanks again!”
– Student in TX

“You made something that kids normally don’t want to hear about and turned it into something people will be talking about for a very long time. Thank you again for what you are doing.”
 – Student in WI

“Thank you so much for your talk. I am a survivor and it brought back a lot of the things and feelings that I went through. Everything you said was 100% accurate to what I went through and what my family went through. Ironically the kid that did this too me was in the room, and I can only hope that you touched him as much as you touched me. Thank you so much!”
– Student from PA

“Mike, I was just at your presentation and I found it to be very helpful. I am a freshmen and two weeks after coming up to school, I was sexually assaulted. I kept blaming myself for what happened — saying things like “if I hadn’t have had so much to drink, this wouldn’t have happened to me.” I am having a real hard time forgiving myself for letting this happen to myself. I was sitting in the second row tonight. Every word you said made me realize I should be thankful I am still here. That is a really scary time for someone to go though and no one really realizes it . . .You have inspired me to try to get past this and work hard to keep living my life. I thought this could never happen to me and it did. People don’t realize that this can happen to anyone at any time. Drunk, sober, at night or during the day. When you said the word survivor, that really hit home. Thanks for your advice and support.”
– Student from NC

“I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for speaking out about rape survivors. I saw your program two or three years ago and I just saw it again recently. Between the two programs, I was raped by my best guy friend (at the time). And when you spoke of survivors, I felt as if you were speaking directly to me, and it gave me the hope and strength to talk to my friends about what happened to me. It’s comforting to know that other people share the idea that it’s not the victims fault, and that we weren’t asking for it. Just thank you from the bottom of my heart. I think if more people had the courage to speak about rape it would be easier for survivors to recover. I like the word survivor. I never really thought of it like that before. It was always victim to me. The word victim is weak, and survivor gives me hope that I will indeed over come.”
– Student from CT

“I wanted to let you know how much that presentation has changed my life. I am a survivor of almost three years now, and everything you said touched home for me. I wish I had seen you sooner because it is such a serious and real topic. What I really wanted to tell you is that I brought my boyfriend with me to your presentation and it has brought a change in him I can barely recognize. He is a man’s man and has a certain attitude when it comes to male and female roles. But after watching your presentation, he has a new mannerism, so to speak, with me. I knew that he loved me, but now he shows it by respecting me. He said to me, ‘You know babe, even though we’re together, I never want you to feel that you don’t have a choice because you do. Always.’ For him to say that to me meant more than anything in the world. I just wanted to say thank you and what you are doing is amazing.”
– Student in WI

“First of all.. I want to thank you. Your presentation was one of the best I’ve ever seen, if not THE best. It especially hit home for me because when I was 14 years old, I was beaten and raped by a 33 year old man. . . Tonight when you came to Oswego and gave your presentation, it was amazing to me. You don’t know how much I appreciate someone like you and how you presented yourself and how you affected everyone in that room. I could go on for longer but all I really wanted to say was thank you so much. I mean that with all my heart. Thank you again.” — Student in NY

ARE YOU A SURVIVOR who attended the “Can I Kiss You?” program?

If you are  a survivor who attended the “Can I Kiss You?” program, share your comments in our new Audio Testimonial Program by clicking here.  Another option is to visit our online Forum for Sexual Assault Survivors by clicking here.  You choose!

Written by The Date Safe Project Inc on August 24, 2009

College Students RAVE about “Can I Kiss You?” Show

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“All I can say is WOW!!  I attended one of his sessions for the Peer-Ed people and his “Can I Kiss You?” program too and both were amazing. I truly enjoyed everything…and everything he had to say was so true. Guys and Girls all have a lot to learn about communication, and this is a great way to get people started talking. Along with this, I thought his approach to talking about sexual assault was very enlightening, and I have pledged to support survivors. The whole program really makes you think, about everything you’ve done or haven’t done in a relationship. So I just want to say THANK YOU MIKE!  For sharing your time with us, sharing your message, and hopefully opening the eyes of those around you.”
 – Mary, a student from Hastings College

“I tried asking and it was amazingly easier to do.   I would definitely ask again because it was like a load was lifted off my shoulders — the guessing game of ‘Do you really like me?’ was gone.  I was asked the day after the presentation at my school. I actually told him I’d have to think about it, and the next day I said yes. I’ve been dating him for over a month now, and I’m amazed that he asks before everything. And I can’t be more appreciative.”
 – Nicole, a student from Christopher Newport University

“I attended your seminar at Iowa State University in April. At the time, I was only in town for orientation, and the catchy title of your seminar got my attention. I went with my best friend who had been a victim of sexual assault, and afterward I was finally able to respond to her better, and she was able to express herself more clearly and realize it wasn’t her fault. The incident had happened over a year ago and now the healing can finally begin. Thank you for your passion and dedication – I know we weren’t the only ones who were affected.”
 – Stephanie, a student from Iowa State University

“I know you won’t remember me. But I will never forget your words and your compassion!!”
 – A student from a campus in NY

“I have used the ‘asking first‘ approach with my boyfriend and he has used it with me. It has really helped us to have great communication with each other, and we have a very healthy and happy relationship.  Asking helps to make the relationship more open and comfortable. If you ask first or are asked there is a lot more trust in the relationship and the trust is maintained far more easily.  I want to thank you so much. Your program has helped me to move forward past some issues I have had with men and relationships. I am now in a very happy relationship with my boyfriend who also attended your program. On our second date he used the ‘asking first” approach. It really does work, and it is so wonderful for our relationship. Again I want to thank you so much for your program ‘Can I Kiss You?‘.”
 – A student from the University of Dayton in OH

“There was a guy on campus to ask me out and it was just after your talk so the words were fresh in my head (the poster hangs on my dorm door) so at the end of the date I asked him if I could kiss him. He seemed surprised that I would ask, but because of that we’ve become closer. We respect each other and that has become the bases for our relationship, not physical pleasure.   My mum was a victim of rape and has been very worried about the same thing happening to me. I never really got it until after I heard your talk. It really made me realize things that we take for granted. I hadn’t wanted to go when I heard the title of your talk, but I will never regret going to hear you speak. Your words changed my life and how I view myself and my mum. Thank you.”
 – A student from Barton College in NC

“I have always been that girl who had a boyfriend, but I am currently in one of the most successful relationships I’ve ever had. We’ve been dating for a really long time and haven’t lost that spark—and we’re doing the long distance thing. One thing that my boyfriend does that no one else has done is ask to do things when we’re being intimate. Even after dating for several months (approaching a year) he still asks if, and how, he can please me. He *always* asks, adding that he wants to do exactly what I want. It makes it my choice. It’s so attractive and sexy that it’s impossible to say no, but I know that if I didn’t want to do something, I could tell him. Knowing that makes our relationship so much stronger. I just wanted to reiterate your point–asking can be really sexy, and doesn’t have to ruin the moment at all. In fact, it can make the moment more amazing than it already was! Thanks for coming to our school and letting everyone know how good asking can be! (and feel free to share this story with other people!)”
 – Leslie, a student from Bucknell in Pennsylvania

“In the fall of 2003, you visited Luther College to give your presentation, which as a first year student I was strongly urged to attend. At the time, I thought the ‘Can I kiss you?’ idea made sense, but that it wasn’t necessarily practical. Either way, I wasn’t in a situation where a romantic relationship was a possibility, so I put it to the back of my mind and didn’t really think about it.

This summer, I met a guy who was interested in me. We decided to get together, and one night we were cuddling on a bench. I could tell that he wanted to kiss me, and I realized that I wasn’t ready for it, but I didn’t have the courage to flat-out refuse him. He wasn’t picking up on my nonverbal signals, and I was starting to get really uncomfortable. Finally, unable to think of anything else to do, I started telling him about your program. About how you’d shown us how nonverbal signals rarely work, and the importance of asking first. Wonder of wonders, he got it! He asked if he could kiss me, and I was able to tell him no (I was still nervous/embarrassed by it, but it was manageable).

That by itself is perhaps a small thing, but I think that it shaped the way the physical parts of our relationship went from that point on. He always asked before we did anything that might make me uncomfortable, and I was always comfortable with telling him to stop if I needed to. I really think that having seen your program and sharing that with him helped to make ours into a healthier relationship. So thank you, Mike, for everything you do. It really does make a difference!”
– Gretchen, a student from Luther College in Iowa

“I know several rape or sexual assault survivors. I don’t know why I know so many but knowing them makes my life a better life. I would never go back and say I wish I hadn’t met any of them. To support them when they are nervous or just need a reassurance is magical. It’s hard to get used to the fact that someone you truly love has been raped, you are angry and frustrated. However, being calm and just a listener is all a survivor needs most of the time, and the bond that has grown between some of my friends and I will never be broken. The things Mike said were useful to anyone. It’s true that all you have to say is “Thank you for telling me, That means a lot. I want you to know that if you need me for anything, I will always support you.” That may very well be one of the most influential statements that can be made. Thanks again, Mike!”
 – Gary, a student from Bucknell in Pennsylvania

“My sister and I were both raped in the past year. She was assaulted on a Friday and by Monday, I had heard things about it around our high school. I also knew because I had acted the same way after being assaulted. I opened the door and told her that if something happened, she could tell me and I would listen. She told us what happened that night. At the police station they asked her if she said no. I agree that they should ask if he asked. It was great that Mike brought light to that situation (in the “Can I Kiss You?” program).  Society does seem to focus on what the survivor does and as a survivor, I know the difference. Thank you again!!!  IT (the ‘Can I Kiss You?’ program) WAS AMAZING!!”
– A student at St. Cloud State University in MN

“A couple weeks ago, you spoke here at Gettysburg College. Just 2 days later, I accompanied a female friend of mine to her former boyfriend’s (who had raped her) house where she confronted and said goodbye to him. She had been afraid to do so for 7 months, and she said that it was my simple supportive accompaniment that enabled her to at long last do it. So your presentation was absolutely correct, in that the thing a survivor of sexual assault needs most is just to know that people support her (or so it seems from my experience). Thus I desired to thank you for your presentation here, and I hope that other people can benefit also from it–whether they are the survivor, or the supportive friend as I was.”
– Joe, a student from Gettysburg College in PA

“Hi Mike, I am an athlete on our campus who attended your seminar on Wednesday.  I just wanted to let you know how much you put things into perspective.  It had never really occurred to me that the simple action of asking for permission could really be that powerful.  I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half, and we always used to joke about how me met and how the first time we ever kissed he asked me if he could.  I would always laugh and say how cute it was, and of course all of his buddies would make fun of him and call him feminine names.  But after listening to what you had to say, I realized that my boyfriend never really stopped asking me for my permission, even after being with me for so long.  He truly respects me and my body, and for the first time, I am recognizing it.  Nothing ever flagged my brain when he would say something that asked for my consent, so I never really noticed the fact that he wasn’t just doing things because HE felt like it.  He wanted to make sure it was something both of us wanted.  So basically, I just wanted to thank you for opening my eyes to what I have been oblivious to! I really hope your message touches everyone who hears you because I know there are good people out there who can make a difference.  Thank you so much for your stories! You truly have a good heart!”
– Student at CSU at Sacramento

“The day after seeing this program, I ran into a friend of mine who had also been at the presentation as well. Jokingly, I said to him, “Can I kiss you?” At this point, I should mention that Fred is INCREDIBLY gay, and that I am a female. And he said, “Okay!” So, completely randomly, Fred and I shared a kiss, right there, in the middle of the English department building. It was completely unexpected and beautiful and it’ll probably never happen again. . . it absolutely made my day.“
– Mariah, a student at Skidmore College

“My boyfriend asked me if he could kiss me on our first date, and I thought it was sweet, mature and above all, respectful. We’ve been together for 6 months, and I think there is a definite possibility that he is the man i might marry. And I will always remember our first kiss being perfect. I think asking is a great way to begin an open and honest relationship.”
– Jess, a student at University of Delaware

“My boyfriend and I are both Greeks on our campus.  The first time he went to kiss me, he pulled back. I was a little disappointed because I really wanted to kiss him too, but then he looked me straight in the eyes, and asked if he could kiss me. It melted my heart. When it’s truly sincere, that first kiss means so much more. So I just wanted to let all those disbelievers out there know, that it really does work.  If a guy were to ask me to kiss him, it would mean so much more and I would have so much more respect for that person, especially now that I’ve attended your seminar. I’ve never tried the asking first, because I was one of those girls who used to believe that ‘it’s the man’s job,’ but now I’ve realized that it’s my body.“
– Meredith at Eastern Washington University


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More for You. Please click on the following links for more info on the “Can I Kiss You?:”

About Watch the Video “Train the Trainer”
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Huge Attendance
Continuing Impact Reserve a Date Downloads

Written by The Date Safe Project Inc on August 24, 2009

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