While many towns and cities around the country debate how and if “Sex Ed” should be handled IN the school, WHO needs “Sex Ed” becomes an interesting question. This past summer in an article that didn’t capture the media’s attention, a college student stated he thought PARENTS need Sex Ed today.

As I travel the world speaking with parents, many Moms and Dads share real stories of how naive their fellow parents are when it comes to dating and sexual activity among their pre-teen and teenager sons and daughters. Parents constantly share how everyone wants to believe, “Not my child.”

For parents who do believe in discussing Sex Ed at home, some if not many often don’t know HOW to talk about the issue – besides trying to scare their child away from intimacy. When you share with parents about a sexual fad taking place among school age children, many Moms and Dads look at you with disbelief. Sometimes, you even hear someone say, “I’m 45 years old and have never tried that – and never would.” Their children are thinking and sometimes acting beyond their parent’s imagination.

What do you think? Do today’s parents need Sex Education? What do you think parents need to learn and/or discover? Since many people say, “That is a subject which should be taught at home,” is home the ONLY right place for teaching “Sex Ed”?  Would teaching both AT HOME and AT SCHOOL be more effective or less? Do most parents at home have the right information for teaching the subject matter? If you think parents do need Sex Ed, how would you recommend providing the education and actually getting parents to attend?

Share your thoughts and ideas in the COMMENTS section below.

Why hurry? Because you can never be too early to a helpful and needed conversation with your child. When I’m across the world preparing to speak to middle school students, high school students, and their parents, I fully realize the NEED TO BE THERE because I am not able to physically be there for my own family. When you can’t physically be there (and you won’t always be able to physically be in the presence of your child), you appreciate how much you wish you COULD be there.  Don’t wait for that moment of “could.” Create a MOMENT of NOW!

Not sure now is the right time?  Here are common consequences of WAITING:

• Wait til your child is out with friends late one night and you see a story on TV about “The Danger for Teens Today.”  You suddenly begin to worry. Should you have talked to your child and given them the tools to handle those dangers?  Yes.  What about his or her first date? I don’t mean the one you know about. I’m talking about the time he or she meets someone at a friend’s house informally (BECAUSE they like each other).  What decisions will your child make? If you have NOT been having healthy positive discussion before that time, their friends are liking feeding them unhealthy misperceptions on experimenting with intimacy.  Or are you going to wait until your child tells you he or she is dating or start talking now?
• What you don’t know CAN hurt you!  Think about how foolish the old statement, “What you don’t know can’t hurt you” is as a parent. If being ignorant isn’t going to hurt you, it is going to hurt your child. Won’t that hurt you?  Don’t be foolish. Educate with an upbeat and positive approach.

Yes, I’ve said “positive” more than once in this article.  Being “positive” is one of the key factors to education sticking in a child’s mind. Scare tactics only make your child NOT want to talk with you in the future. If you spread fear, your child is likely to fear discussions with you.  If you are “old school” and thinking “My child fearing me is healthy,” what decisions will your child make when he/she is no longer under your watch (becomes an adult)?  A sudden urge of freedom from your fear may lead your child into very dangerous decision-making.

Tell your child today. Remember to add to the conversation how much you LOVE your child.  Yes, I know many parents today tell their child, “I love you” on a daily basis (which is great).  When you say it today, look your child in the eyes. Connect.  Help the moment stick.

You don’t need to be 2 hours from unrest.  You can choose to moments away from giving your child and you more peace and happiness!

P.S. If you want more resources, check out our free “How To” videos for parents by clicking here (and the “HELP! My Teen Is Dating” DVD and book set).

Dr. Laura Berman had Mike Domitrz as her guest.

This past Tuesday when Dr. Laura Berman from the Oprah Radio Network (OWN) had me on as her guest expert, the mother of a teenage survivor of sexual assault called into the show. The sexual assault occurred 2 years ago and now the daughter is a teenager.  The Mom was asking how to help her daughter set appropriate boundaries as she approaches dating. The lessons shared on the show are true for all teenagers.

You will hear strategies you will not typically hear anywhere else.

Click here to watch and listen to the clip from the show at http://www.oprah.com/oprahradio/Help-Teens-Stay-Safe-While-Dating-Audio. Then, be sure to come back here and LEAVE A COMMENT below.

When we see schools and parents who provide genuine, strong support, the RESULTS are amazing. Last night, York University’s President spoke briefly before my presentation and then sat in the FRONT ROW with MANY of the Vice Presidents from the university (York is located in Toronto). The significance of the leadership staying for the show sent a strong message to the students of much York cares about this issue. Most Presidents of universities make a quick visit and then leave.

A school with a history of showing their support for this issue is where I am speaking this evening: Gustavus Adolphus College in St. Peter, Minnesota. Every year, we have a “Train the Trainer” session and then go to dinner with the leadership from the campus (heads of departments from various elements of the college – including the President) before presenting the “Can I Kiss You?” presentation. The week of the program, their professors and staff wear the “Can I Kiss You?” shirts for several days. The result is a line of students every year waiting outside the doors of the Ballroom 2 HOURS before the show starts. The campus’s support results in a ROCK CONCERT MENTALITY for addressing safer dating and sexual assault!

In both cases above, people made it a mission to get the top leadership heavily involved. They subtly and creatively engaged top leadership to the point that the leadership WANTED to be affiliated with the mission and the program. What are you doing to engage your leadership in a manner which makes them WANT to strongly support your mission?

SHARE in the “Leave a Comment” section below!

WHEN do we often choose to talk with our teens about important issues? For many parents, the time is later in the evening when both parents are home and/or when your teen is finally done with all their homework and school activities (especially with practices, meetings, etc…).

The timing is awful. Your son or daughter is tired and their mind is over stimulated. Many teenagers are especially sensitive and emotionally when they are tired. The best time is after they’ve had a little time at home to relax and hang out, BUT not so late that they are getting tired. Dinner time is frequently a good time for many families.

Next time you have an urgent lesson you want to share with your teen, STOP yourself and ask, “Is this timing ideal?” If not, wait a day or two when your teen will ABSORB the lesson and use it throughout their life. Choose the wrong time and you lose a golden opportunity. Suddenly, you have to find the right time to make up for your bad timing (bringing up an issue AGAIN when it wasn’t handled well the first time is much more difficult than handling it right the first time).

You know the wonderful feeling you get when you make a connection with your teen. Know his/her TIME and you increase the chance to have the time of your life in a thought-provoking conversation with him or her!

SHARE your experiences with having important talks below in the LEAVE A COMMENT section. I will personally respond to each comment.

This process for your son or daughter is completely normal.  Your teen is seeking out the independence sought in the pubescent years.  If your like many parents, this change can be tough at times. You want to be “in their world” to be a positive guidance.  Remember:  you ARE in their world.  You only need to work on fitting more into their schedule.

Instead of asking a million questions all the time, give them space. Join them at more casual times. Watch their favorite TV show with them. Play a video game with him/her.  Have dinner around the kitchen table together and have a “Question of the Night.”  As corny as this concept may sound, making it a tradition turns into a simple point of conversation you are guaranteed as a family every night.  Even if someone already ate, you all sit together for those few minutes.

Are you worried you can’t find a medium your teen wants to share with you?  Then ask.  Ask your son or daughter, “What do you enjoy the 2 of us doing together?  How do YOU enjoy us spending time together?”  Listen closely. Don’t disagree.  Don’t say why their answer doesn’t work for you.  Listen and then find a solution which WILL WORK!

Being able to connect with your teen is essential to helping your teen make better life choices.  As parents, we all get frustrated and sometimes disappointed with ourselves.  As the famous 80′s song said, “RELAX.”  The more stressed you are, the more your kids feel it and are even less likely to want to share with you.  Smiling and having fun can go a long way in a home.

Share your thoughts below in our COMMENTS section. I look forward to personally responding!

~Mike Domitrz
Founder of The Date Safe Project, Inc.

PLAY EYE-OPENING VIDEO #1

IMPORTANT REMINDER: Each of the following videos refers to talking with “Teenagers.” Remember if you are a parent of a child younger than 13 years old, the videos give you a fantastic opportunity to prepare your child at an even younger age.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH NEXT VIDEO

Please post any comments or questions below in the “Speak Your Mind” section below the comments.
I will PERSONALLY respond to each comment you leave on this page!! Lets have fun taking this journey.

How do you find the right approach without making sex sound bad or too attractive?  Discover in the video below HOW to avoid the conversation going badly. In fact, you will learn an approach for making YOU THE EXPERT. You child will want to turn to you for questions (instead of their peers who can misguide them)!

When you finish the video below, SHARE with us in the “Speak Your Mind ” section below. I promise to PERSONALLY respond to each person.

~Mike Domitrz
Founder of The Date Safe Project, Inc.

ADVANCED STRATEGIES FOR TALKING WITH YOUR CHILD

IMPORTANT REMINDER: Each of the following videos refers to talking with “Teenagers.” Remember if you are a parent of a child younger than 13 years old, the videos give you a fantastic opportunity to prepare your child at an even younger age.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH NEXT VIDEO

Please post any comments or questions below in the “Speak Your Mind” section.
I will PERSONALLY respond to each comment you leave on this page!! Lets have fun taking this journey.

~Mike Domitrz
Founder of The Date Safe Project, Inc.

ADVANCED STRATEGIES FOR TALKING WITH YOUR CHILD

IMPORTANT REMINDER: Each of the following videos refers to talking with “Teenagers.” Remember if you are a parent of a child younger than 13 years old, the videos give you a fantastic opportunity to prepare your child at an even younger age.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH NEXT VIDEO

Please post any comments or questions below in the “Speak Your Mind” section.
I will PERSONALLY respond to each comment you leave on this page!! Lets have fun taking this journey.

1. Without sounding like you are lecturing and without endorsing sexual activity, how do you approach the issue of healthy dating and intimacy with your child?
Kids are constantly told by their parents how “times were different” and “we were more respectful.” The truth is our culture has had a very unhealthy and confusing approach to dating, intimacy, and sexuality for a very long time – today is no different. Once parents admit the feelings of confusion they had as a young person and discuss their ‘scary’ or ‘troubling’ moments, the teenagers are more likely to connect with their parents. Sharing difficult and scary moments also helps your kids see the dangers and consequences of making bad decisions in a realistic and thought-provoking manner.

Instead of telling your child, “How times were different when you were young,” find a commonality between the two of you. When you tell someone how different it was back when you were young, why should your child think you can understand what they are going through? Connect with your son or daughter by opening the conversation with a question that shows you do understand their worries, concerns, and thoughts.

For example, a parent saying, “I remember getting all nervous before a date because I was wondering lots of stuff like, ‘Will my date like me?’, ‘Will my date find me attractive,’ ‘I wonder what my date is really like.’ Do you ever get nervous like that?” This type of question can make a parent more approachable to their child. No matter what your age is or the “times” you grew up in, these difficult feelings cross all generations. The key to success is asking in a sincere and caring tone.

2. What are the correct dating behaviors and practices to teach?
Self-respect, respect for your partner, and high standards need to be taught to males and females at all times. When a person believes in his or her self, the person is more likely to make the “right” decisions in difficult moments. Students with low self-esteem are more likely to lower their standards to please their partner — a very dangerous and unhealthy practice.

We need to teach young people to “expect to be respected” and to not tolerate any forms of disrespect (a date should ask before trying to do “something with you”). We need to teach how speaking out for yourself is both strong and sexy (many fear speaking out will be unattractive to their dates). We need teach them to better understand what “respecting” a date means. Respect is not simply opening doors, paying for meals, or other signs of chivalry. Respect is holding your date in the highest esteem and always getting your date’s permission before trying to do “something” with your date.

One of the most common mistakes parents make is assuming that the males are always the sexual aggressors. More and more, we are hearing about females becoming the more sexually assertive person in the relationship. Try to avoid all assumptions of gender roles.

3. At what age do my kids begin learning about intimacy?
By observing their parents, children learn intimacy at an extremely young age. If a young man sees his father ask his mother for a kiss, he is more likely to believe that asking is how he should act. If a young woman hears her mother talk about how respectful and loving her father is, the young woman is more likely to want a more respectful and loving partner.

Parents should begin discussing appropriate touching at early school ages and then advance into issues of intimacy as those years approach. Due to the images and discussions the television and the entertainment industry promote to younger audiences, parents need to have these conversations at much younger ages (for many, prior to the age of 10 is appropriate — kids are seeing or hearing about much more explicit behavior by this age). Even if you do not let your children watch such programs, they are likely to hear about these shows from their peers.

There is no one magical age for these conversations to take place. Each set of parents must decide what is right for his or her child. However, the day your child is born is the day your child begins watching you. Make a conscience effort to display respect in all aspects of intimacy and sexuality by asking before kissing people. When your kids watch you, what will they learn?

4. What do I teach my kids about the “Age Laws?”
Parents must teach their child about age laws. Each state has very specific laws regarding minors involved with sexual activity. Two 15 year olds could give each say, “Yes” to engage in certain sexual activity with each other and they would still be breaking the law in many states. In addition, parents need to help young people understand that these laws exist to help “protect” them. Learn the laws in your state so that you can address the legal aspect – just don’t make the legal element your focus. Kids typically find such conversations to be boring and most kids don’t fear the authorities catching them engaged in sexual acts.

5. How can parents help their kids avoid peer pressure?
Immediately begin treating your child with respect and with great value. By teaching a child how “special” he or she is, you can help him or her understand “why” getting involved with intimacy should be saved for an extremely “special” moment. Research proves that the earlier a child gets involved in intimacy is directly related how much “value” the child places in his or her own self. For this reason, we need to connect with our children in an engaging and “open” approach.

Children fear being lectured and being judged. Children love to be “heard.” Ask questions, listen with an open mind, and then have positive discussions. When your child feels a special connection with you and understands “why” you have such strong beliefs, he or she is more likely to believe YOU over his or her friends. Plus, when a child understands the “why” to not getting involved with certain behavior, he or she will have a real reason for saying “no” to peer pressure (instead of simply saying “because my parents said so”). The child will WANT to say “no” because he or she will believe that “no” is the right answer!

6. My son is very respectful — why would I need to worry about him sexually assaulting someone?
Most “respectful” males still learn about aspects of intimacy through their friends and what they see portrayed on television and in the movies. These sources of education promote disrespectful behavior by teaching males that if they are “smooth,” they can just make their moves and their partner will want them. When males just “make their moves,” they take a tremendous risk of engaging in behavior that their partners do not want – thus leading to committing a sexual assault. Parents need to talk with their sons about truly respecting a partner by understanding how valuable and special each person is as a human being (including the body, the mind, sexuality, personality, and values). Sons need to learn that the only way you can be sure what your date wants is to “ask” your date first.

7. My daughter is tough and outspoken — I don’t have anything to worry about, right?
WRONG! Many tough and outspoken females have been sexually assaulted or have become unexpectedly pregnant. A “tough” and “outspoken” female might think she is invincible and that belief can be extremely dangerous (she may believe “she would never get pregnant” or that “no man could ever sexually assault me”). By being over-confident, she may be less likely to see potential signs of trouble. Another female may be very confident in most aspects of her life, but not with intimacy or relationships.

Parents need to teach their daughters “awareness” to better equip their daughters for noticing signs of trouble. At the same time, we must understand that there is no 100% form of sexual assault prevention that a victim or survivor can utilize (100% prevention can only result by the assailant not attempting the behavior). A young woman or man could follow every healthy dating advice ever given and still be sexually assaulted. Stress to your daughter that she cannot ever be at fault for someone sexually assaulting her – this point must be stressed. Many, many females never tell their parents about their assault because the daughter fears how their parents will react. Help your daughter know that you will be there to support her and love her at all times!

8. Do I really need to have these conversations?
Not talking about complex issues simply leads to confusion. When kids talk to their friends, every component is often exaggerated and glamorized (every romantic encounter is amazing and romantic in their “dream world”). Thus, building the young person’s drive to experiment with sex, drugs, and other dangerous behaviors. Help the child learn the truth by speaking honestly about your memories in a manner that they can relate to. If you can be a little humorous, you can help break the barriers down for your teenager to start talking openly to you.”

- written by Mike Domitrz, Executive Director of The Date Safe Project and Producer of HELP! My Teen Is Dating. Realistic Solutions to Tough Conversations. Each year, Mike speaks around the world in over 80 educational and military installations sharing the important messages of respect, consent, bystander intervention and supporting survivors.
To obtain permission to reprint any or all portions of this article, E-mail Mike here