Parents Just Don’t Understand (especially parents of teens going to parties)

Remember the old Will Smith song, “Parents Just Don’t Understand“?  Well I fell into that category last night (along with another Mom of a high school teenager hosting a party).  One of my sons was going to a party at a house where we did not know the family.  As we advise in our programs, we called ahead to talk with at least one of the parents – to find out their rules and policies for hosting a party.  Do they allow alcohol and what are their expectations for the students?

The Mom who talked with me was GREAT!  She said, “This is soo nice of you to call.  We had a party several months ago and about 30 kids showed up.  It amazed me how many parents of teenagers we did not know just dropped their teenagers off at our home.”  We had a similar experience a little over a month ago.  My son had some friends stay overnight.  A couple of the friends were boys we had not met and they were dropped off without any questions.  Neither myself or the Mom hosting last night’s party understand why parents wouldn’t call ahead or ask a few questions when they drop their teenager off at the party.

A few of you may be thinking, “Why would I call?  I trust my son or daughter.”  Is ‘TRUST” actually the concern?  Would you allow your son (or daughter) to have anyone he wants to sleep in his room with him tonight (including a potential intimate partner or someone who is already an adult)? 98% of you say would say, “NO WAY.  That is putting your child into a situation with too much temptation and/or risk before he is ready or mature enough to handle it.“  Exactly correct.  Teaching lessons to our teenagers does not mean giving them full control to all situations.  You take steps one at a time.

Before your teenager has learned to drive, you don’t throw him the keys and say, “Go learn and have fun figuring it out.“  Why?  Because driving is too dangerous.  The risks of inappropriate or unwanted sexual activity among teens at a high school party is equally dangerous (plus you can have valid fears of potential drug use, etc…).  Start with baby steps by insuring you are sending your teen to an appropriate atmosphere.

For those of you wondering what to say when you call, here is the dialogue:

“Hi, Sue, this is Mike Domitrz.  My son, Mark, is planning on coming to your daughter’s party tonight and so we wanted to call ahead since we haven’t met before.  Do you have any rules for the teenagers at the party tonight our son should be aware of?  Do you allow alcohol at your parties?  We are not looking to report anyone – just want to know the expectations.  For instance, are parents or mature adults in the vicinity of the teenagers throughout the night?  If the teens are downstairs, does you or another mature adult go downstairs unannounced and check-in throughout the night?“

The thoughtful conversations which result by asking a few simple questions often can lead to a new friendship.  You get to know some parents you didn’t know before – which is FANTASTIC for being able to have another sets of eyes and ears looking out for your child in future situations.

If you have had such a call with someone, share with us in the LEAVE A COMMENT section below.  If you have never made this call, share WHY in the LEAVE A COMMENT section below.  I will personally respond to each comment posted.

**UPDATE:  A great question has been posted in the COMMENTS which has lead to an in-depth discussion on handling calls to parents of other teens.

The General Assembly Parents LOVE to bring to their schools!

When it comes to middle schools and high schools teaching teenagers vital skills for decision-making regarding teen dating, intimacy, a comprehensive safety approach to sex and/or abstinence, MANY school systems do very little because they are afraid of how parents will react.  Thus, students learn from each other and we all know teens teaching teens about sex is extremely dangerous.

In fact, today you are hearing more new stories from school systems and communities across the country involving teenage sexually transmitted diseases and infections.  Plus, research is showing sexual activity is occurring at much younger ages.

As a parent, how can YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE?  Work with your local school administrators to bring an interactive and educational program with long-lasting impact for your students.  Bring in a program which does more than “Raise Awareness” – find a presentation which gives students precise skills they can immediately use in their lives. When leaders and educators see parents taking an active role in wanting a specific program for their students, many educators and administrators feel more comfortable moving forward and taking the needed action to bring the program to the school.

One of the most sought after experts in the country for providing these necessary skills to teenagers is Mike Domitrz, the Executive Director of The Date Safe Project Inc. and the author of HELP! My Teen Is Dating.  His one-person show for students titled “Can I Kiss You?” is praised by parents, educators, administrators, and TEENAGERS!  Unlike many experts who lecture students toward one specific agenda, Domitrz opens students’ minds to making better choices for themselves, their friends, and any potential future dating partners.  Because of this unique approach, the “Can I Kiss You?” program is supported by parents on both sides of the heated debate between “Abstinence-Only Education” vs “Comprehensive Sex Ed” taking place in many communities.

Bring this one-of-a-kind General Assembly to your school, students, and community.
Click here for more information.

Tell us what YOU WANT on this site!

“The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.” ~Ben Stein

With a new semester getting started or about to start in schools and universities, what have you DECIDED you really want for this year?  What are you going to do to make that happen?

I will start off by sharing what we WANT to start providing you as a visitor to this site in 2010 and then ASK you what more YOU want from our site in 2010.  Let’s make it happen!  Here is our list of what we are beginning to create for you:

1. Each week, find inspiration and ideas from others around the world pertaining to real solutions to difficult conversations which often occur with teenagers, college students, and members of the military.  Soon, you will find our “Question of the Week” answered by multiple people each week (could be YOU quoted in one or many of the Questions).

2. To be able to join our special Team Members section of this website where “How To” videos, articles, podcasts, and monthly tele-seminars with interviews of top experts, educators, activists, and positive role models will be available to you.  You’ll be able actively participate in the tele-seminars (free for our Members and a reasonable fee for others).  Starting in FEBRUARY!

3. To discover fantastic examples of role models featured here on the site (survivors, parents, activists, educators, professionals, celebrities making an impact, etc…).

4. To GIVEAWAY more helpful resources and materials through our website!

What do YOU WANT from this site?  WHAT would you like to learn more about?  WHO would you like to learn from?  Any technology you would like to see used more often?  Do you want to help on our mission?  Let us know.  Answer all these questions by “Leaving a Comment” now.

Film, TV, & Music Reviews with a Twist

Every week, new films and songs are released around the globe.  Throughout the year, TV shows are launched.  24 hours, 7 days a week, you can turn to “Breaking News” on one of the many “news dedicated” cable channels.  With all of these mediums constantly changing, how can you stay up-to-date or know how to hold appropriate conversations with students and/or people in your community about the shows everyone is talking about?  Good news!  Now, you have a source to turn to for fun, thought-provoking, and helpful reviews.

Here, you will find reviews from parents, educators, experts, and teenagers (giving their perspective).  Each review will provide you with an unique perspective relating to how the media and/or entertainment outlet’s production effects society’s views of dating, sex, intimacy, relationships, violence, consent, and sexual assault.  Having these analytic reviews will provide you with great tools to engage the younger and older generations around you with a different outlook the next time they watch and/or listen to the medium you are reading about.

You know how often people of all ages “roll their eyes” when you try to challenge everyday views on a subject.  The reviews provided by DSP Critics (Date Safe Project Critics) will give you more useful and progmatic material to share with others.

Be a Reviewer.  You can be given full credit for your reviews here at The Date Safe Project, Inc. or your reviews can be kept anonymous.  You choose.  Either way, you can create your own following as a DSP Critic.  To send us a review of ANY medium, click on “Leave a Comment” on this page OR send an e-mail to Review@DateSafeProject.org.

Summer Dating & Your Teens

Parents, are you ready for the Summer Days of Dating when your teenager has soo much free time?  Here are 4 quick tips:

1) While you may have a great trusting relationship with your teens, still create safety measures for your house (parental settings on cable boxes; have a lock on liquor cabinets; etc…).  While your teen may be responsible, their friends may take some risks in your home.

2) When can friends be over and where in the house are they allowed?  Decide and talk openly about these rules.  Some parents do not allow sons and daughter’s friends in their kids bedrooms to avoid a “private” setting where kissing, touching, or sexual practices could occur.  Other parents say, “Basement door is always left open.”  Clarify.

3) With everyone home from school, how much is texting, IMing, and other technology forms of communicating allowed.  Some students become addicted to “staying in touch with everyone elses life” – so much that they are not LIVING their own life.

4) TALK.  With everyone home more often in the summer and/or spending some vacation time together, TALK unobtrusively about intimacy, equality, and respect.  If a news story breaks about dating, hooking-up, teen pregnancy, or sexual assault, ask your teenager their thoughts and do so in a non-judgmental manner.

What tips do you want to add and share with others?  Use the “Leave a Reply” section below to do so . . .

Mike talking to parents

Check out this video:

Tweens are dating while some parents and educators are often sleeping.

Many parents and educators make the mistake of thinking education on dating starts when a child turns 13 years of age.  The reality is many males and females are engaging in sexual conversations and acts during their tween years (some even younger).  What’s a tween?  Typically people consider children 11 and 12 years old to be tweens.  They are in middle school, but not teenagers yet.   

The tweens say they are dating.  When I am speaking in middle schools, students constantly share with me how they are dating and what "dating" means to them.  What they call "dating" is what most parents refer to as "hooking up" — getting together to hang out and be intimate in some form (from kissing to more advanced sexual activity).  Even going to the movies is frequently motivated by going "in the dark to make out."  Students are not shy about discussing this viewpoint.

What is the problem?  The tweens view dating as "hook-ups"; intimate moments; and/or sexual conquests.  They consider sexual activity and dating to be the same thing.  Some tweens believe oral sex and sexual intercourse are a must have for a relationship.  Who can blame them?  They have been exposed to such images over and over again through media, entertainment, and advertising. 

Worst of all, many parents and educators do nothing to reverse that belief process.  The good news is I know our readers do care.  You are working hard to make a positive impact.  Here my challenge for you this week:

Teach at least 3 tweens what dating really is. It’s not a license for sex.  The definition of dating is:- an appointment to meet at a specified time; especially: a social engagement between two persons. The purpose of a date is to get to know someone better, what their interests are, and what you have in common. Ask tweens if they know what dating really means.

Be open minded and sincere in your question.  If the tween sees you "trying to make point," they are likely to shut down or tell you what you want to hear.  Instead, open the conversation with, "Can you help me out, please?  It has been so long since I dated, what does that mean nowadays?  What does it mean when your friends say they are dating or what does dating mean to you?"  You may be surprised by the answer.  If you are, make a "date" with your child, get to know them a little better and help them understand the purpose of a date.

Kids online activities and Parent Monitoring

How many hours a month do you think pre-teens and teenagers are online? On average, most kids are spending 20 hours online. Most kids between the ages of 13 – 17 believe their parents have no clue as to what their activities are online.  imagine the freedom college brings 1st year students and their online explorations.  Here’s what they do, where they go, who they meet:

Friendships.
35% of our children ages 8-17 have made friends online 50 % of U.S. of our teens ages 13-17 claim to have made friends online 33% of children prefer spending time with their online friends rather than their offline friends

Social networking.
76% of our teens. teens ages 13-17 "constantly," "frequently" or "sometimes" visit social networking sites.

Shopping online.
35% of kids report being "very confident" or "confident" in shopping online.  Do you know where your credit card is?

Getting requests for personal information.
42% of kids ages 13-17 have received an online request for personal information.

Being approached by strangers.
16 percent of them have been approached online by a stranger; however, U.S. adults believe that just 6 percent of children have been approached online by a stranger.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?  Learn about online monitoring programs and software packages.  They can track EVERY little detail for you (from Instant Messaging to every visit online).  At the same time, you need to continually TALK with pre-teens and teenagers about the internet.  When they are at a friend’s house, your monitoring software is not going to do any good.  Educate them and empower them.

What program do you use for monitoring?  What do you like about it?  Help other parents by sharing with us here on the blog.

Tea Party With Moms and Sexually Active Teen Daughters

Parents involved in their children’s lives encourage kids to walk the right path. Creating a bond with your child and understanding their world opens lines of communication. Once those lines are open, it’s easier for your kids to feel they can approach you about the challenges and questions most teenagers will never talk to their parents about.

That’s exactly what a Mother/Daughter Tea Party in Knoxville, TN attempted to do. The community recognized that all schools in the area have sexually active 7th and 8th graders. The organizing group wanted to continue the trend of decreasing pregnant teens. To do so, they understood the importance of having parents discuss the issues of dating and sexual activity in a fun, bonding atmosphere. Besides discussing these issues, the girls learned proper tea etiquette and other social graces.

What an innovative, non-threatening, and fun way to talk to teens — to bond and create awareness

Click here to read more details.

Sexual Predators only need 15 seconds with your child / teenage son or daugther.

How many seconds does it take for a police officer posing as a minor to be approached by a sexual predator? 15 seconds. It only takes 35 – 45 seconds before a predator turns on his web cam and begins performing sexual acts for the camera.

Sexual predators are crafty and have a sixth sense. They know how to spot the weaknesses in young children and what they will respond to.

Talk to your children about being safe while on the internet. Review the following with them:

1. - Never allow your children to give out personal information over the internet
2. - Never give out your true name
3. - Personal diaries should be just that, personal and never to be posted online
4. - Anything posted on the internet is a permanent record
5. - Never meet anyone from the internet in person

Parents, educate yourself – know terms and internet slang.  Research software programs allowing you to put parental blocks on certain web sites.  Many of the newer programs are very in-depth which is what parents need nowadays.

Click here to read more.

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