Masculinity in Disney Films

What do you think of the following videos analysis of masculinity in Disney movies?  I share my thoughts below the video. Please share your feedback after watching the complete video!



While this short documentary does not acknowledge many of the characters its relying on are the “Bad Guys” in the film, the analysis does hold true for the “Good Guys” too. Think of how good looking by magazine standards all the “Good Guy” characters are in Disney Films (true of female characters also). Even after the Beast returns to being human in “Beauty in the Beast,” he remains a strong male with the physique described in the documentary above .

Does such imagery affect consent and respect?  If you grow up thinking its the “Man’s Job” to take control, are you likely to “Ask First” and give your partner a choice?  Share your thoughts below.

Written by Mike Domitrz on March 9, 2011

Respectful Children & Sexual Decision-Making

My son is very respectful.
Why would I need to worry about him sexually assaulting someone?

or

My daughter is very sharp.
She wouldn’t let herself be with someone who mistreats her.

Lets start with the “respectful” question:
Most “respectful” and “sharp” males and females still learn about aspects of intimacy through their friends and what they see portrayed on television and in the movies. These sources of education promote disrespectful behavior by teaching males that if they are “smooth,” they can just make their moves and their partner will want them.

Did you know a child believing he or she is automatically respectful can lead to more problems. How?  They assume everything they do is respectful because they would never do anything wrong.

Example of a young person in a sexual situation: Kids tell themselves, “I would never do anything to hurt this person. Clearly, they want this sexual activity – because if they didn’t, the signs wouldn’t be this obvious that they do want me.”  Your child leans on their view of “respect” as an excuse for, “I wouldn’t do anything wrong” – instead of insuring they take the right precautions and QUESTION whether they are acting in the most respectful manner possible.

When someone just “make their moves,” he or she takes a tremendous risk of engaging in behavior that their partners do not want – thus leading to committing a sexual assault. Parents need to talk with their sons and daughters about truly respecting a partner by understanding how valuable and special each person is as a human being (including the body, the mind, sexuality, personality, and values). Sons and daughters need to learn that the only way you can be sure what your date wants is to “ask” your date first.  The key is knowing HOW to provide your teen the skills to “Asking First.”

Lets continue with the “sharp” question:
You know many intelligent people who make mistakes – sometimes bad mistakes.  Intelligence does not free anyone from poor choices. Plus, your child is not the only one who has an impact on the situation. What if your child makes all the right choices and someone else still forces him or her self onto your child, especially at a party or friend’s house?

To increase the chance for creating a safe environment, you want to give your daughter (or son) the SKILLS NEEDED to handle all different kinds of scenarios (good, bad, and sometimes worse).  Some parents mistakenly think, “I’ll teach my children self-defense or how to to fight.  That will stop anyone from messing with them.”  Wrong!  While self-defense maybe another tool your child could possess, it does not guarantee safety in intimate moments (especially when your child gets older and may consume alcohol).  Your child needs specific tools and skills.  You want to fill their toolbox of awareness with lots of options for them to utilize.

- written by Mike Domitrz, Founder & Executive Director, The Date Safe Project, Inc.
To obtain permission to reprint any or all portions, E-mail Mike here

Have you heard about the award-winning DVD HELP! My Teen Is Dating. Realistic Solutions to Tough Conversations? The award the DVD has received which means the most to many parents is the ”Best Parenting Book” award by RadicalParenting.com.

Why?  Teenagers chose the best books!!  Yes, the books were considered to be the most realistic and helpful for teenagers!!  How often can you find a resource for your teenagers that other teens recommend? Here is what they said when granting the recognition:

“Parents, teens, and tweens love the realistic and flexible solutions given to them in this interactive, entertaining, and useful resource. Regardless of your child’s personality, you will find various options for ways to connect with your son or daughter while helping him/her make better choices.“

DISCOVER MORE HERE.

 

Written by The Date Safe Project Inc on February 22, 2011

Use the News EVERY DAY from Dear Abby to Nancy Grace!

Often educators, parents and activists share with me that one of their daily struggles is finding a way to connect with teenagers and others not involved in this work, especially with the important issues of consent, bystander intervention, sexual assault, and support survivors.  Learn a simple technique in this episode of DSP TV. You might be surprised what you find on “Nancy Grace” and/or “Dear Abby.”

REMEMBER to share your thoughts and comments below!


REMEMBER to share your thoughts and comments below!

Written by Mike Domitrz on January 28, 2011

5 Fun Keys to Dating (plus 5 Bonuses)

Do you wish dating wasn’t so hard – or hurtful? Below is a list of ten helpful tips for having dates based upon mutual respect, fun and possibility. The title said, “5” fun keys. I like to surpass your expectations and so you get 10 (wouldn’t dating be more fun if dates surpassed expectations)?

No Dating Games

You constantly hear people talking about being in the “dating game,” yet they fail to realize games pit people against each other. Games aim to have a winner and a loser. Healthy dating requires a mutual success story. Therefore, eliminate all games, tactics and strategies. Simply go out and get to know your date better.

Plan Sunlight Dates

Go out during the day – something new and different! Go on a picnic. Go bowling. Pick an activity that will most likely encourage laughter. It’s much easier to be yourself in the day, than having to be this incredibly “romantic” individual in the evening. Afternoon dating also takes away the pressure of instant intimacy.

No Pity for You

Only date people you truly want to date and can trust. Accepting a date because you feel “sorry” for someone is disrespectful and uncaring. Why? You are being misleading another person and raising someone’s hopes. To turn down a date, say, “Thank you for asking. While I am very honored you asked, I don’t feel a connection between us.”

Stick to the Standards

Before you go on a date with someone new, write down your “dating standards.” For example, you might include on your list: I don’t want to be kissed unless I am asked. Unfortunately, many people make the mistake of lowering their standards in order to “win” over their date. If you are going to lose someone because you are determined to maintain high personal standards, then lose that person! You deserve to be with someone who respects you for being you. Whether the date is going badly or well, stick to your standards.

Only Listen to You

Friends love to tell friends what to do. Sometimes, they encourage risky and dangerous behaviors, or brag about things they really haven’t done in an effort to make themselves sound better. Above all, listen to your instincts.

Ask First and Answer Honestly

Before you even think about becoming intimate on a date, ask if your partner agrees. If your partner asks for intimacy, be honest. You never owe your partner anything you don’t want to share, especially something as precious and sacred as intimate acts of love and/or sexual activity. If you are asked and are not comfortable, say, “That is so cool that you asked. My answer is no because that is not what I want right now.” Be clear.

Remember it Takes Two to Tango

Dating is a partnership based upon mutual respect. Regardless of how different your date’s beliefs might be from yours, remember that he or she is a person. Avoid criticizing, interrupting and dismissing the other person. Hear them out. Talk about your differences. Learn from the exchange. You may just be misunderstanding each other. If you clearly understand your differences and still are not interested in the other person, make it a respectful last date!

Don’t Alter your Judgment

Avoid alcohol and drugs – especially on dates! Any substance that can impair your judgment and decision making can be extremely dangerous. If your partner is trying to pressure you into drinking, take notice! This pressure should be a warning sign of possible disrespect, carelessness, and trouble. You should end this date early!

Listen, Listen, Listen

Be careful about disclosing your entire life history, including previous relationship failures. Ask open ended questions designed to get to know the other person. For example, “Tell me about your greatest travel adventure,” and then listen attentively. Don’t interrupt or start sharing your greatest travel adventure! Everyone likes to be heard.

Talk, Talk, Talk

As you plan a date, involve your partner. Give a few of your ideas and then ask which is most appealing to him or her. By discussing how you will be spending your time together early on, you demonstrate the significance you place on equality in a relationship.

Dating should be fun and leave you feeling better about yourself – not worse. Start putting into practice one or all of the above ten tips for successful dating and you may find yourself meeting wonderful people and having great fun in your new relationships!

Written by Mike Domitrz on August 13, 2010

Sexual assault, alcohol & supporting survivors @ Wake Forest

WOW!  Wake Forest University knows how to promote an educational event addressing sexual assault, intimacy, dating, and alcohol.  Better yet, they know how to get RESULTS!  Last night, over 1100 students (over 25% of their student body) attended the “Can I Kiss You?” program in Wait Chapel.  The team on campus who was responsible for bringing me to speak was a DYNAMITE combination of talent, expertise, and passion.  They worked diligently with several organizations and groups (Athletics, Greek Life, and the Student Center — all which showed up in big numbers).

As you scroll down through this blog posting, you will see video footage from the event.  Join the Wake Forest students in making a commitment by signing the “Pledge for Action” here.

Did you attend the program at Wake Forest University?
If so, share your thoughts and feedback!  Let us HEAR your voice by using our Audio Testimonial Program (click here).  Another option is to share in our online forums.

Remember to INVITE all your family and friends to watch you in the below video!!

Written by Mike Domitrz on January 27, 2010

Abstinence & Consent – Do They Belong Together?

How discussing consent is the ultimate way to discuss abstinence.

Throughout the country, some parents and educators are saying, “Our schools believe in discussing abstinence. Won’t teaching teenagers about consent lead to more sexual activity among those same teenagers?” Teaching consent stresses establishing personal standards, respecting boundaries, and always understanding the importance of having a choice.

Unequivocally, students participating in the “Can I Kiss You?” programs say “asking first” will greatly reduce the amount of sexual activity among their age group (thus increasing the level of students practicing abstinence). Teenagers share the following four main reasons for why education on consent decreases sexual activity among their peers:

1) Teenagers are not typically comfortable enough with their partner (date or a hook-up at a party) to ask first. Having to ask would become uncomfortable in those situations and so the person would not make any advancement for potential sexual activity.

2) If teenagers were being asked and were not sure of what they actually wanted, they would be given a choice to say, “No” without any negative consequences or without guilt or pressure being applied to them. In a healthy situation of “asking first,” you never pressure someone or question them about their choice to say, “No.” You always honor the choice you gave your partner by “asking first.”

3) You cannot give consent when you are drunk. A great deal of intimacy occurs under the influence of alcohol and other drugs. Thus, these occurrences would be greatly reduced if consent was required before engaging in intimacy.

4) When students have learned about consent, they are more likely to feel comfortable telling their partner that he/she must ask first. In doing so, the person is sending a strong signal of healthy expectations and boundaries. By learning consent, the person who is having “moves made” on him or her is more likely to stop and talk with a partner before getting into any intimate situations.

Teaching consent is much more than simply “how to say ‘No’ to your partner.” Discussing consent means teaching communication skills, respect (what it means to each person), boundaries, personal values, and much more. In addition, discussing consent involves sharing what happens when someone does not get consent and how to support a survivor of sexual assault.

Many schools (including religious, abstinence-based education, and comprehensive sex education programs) want their students to have a discussion that respects abstinence while still preparing students for healthy intimacy down the road. After all, discussing consent is the ultimate way to discuss abstinence. If partners asked first, a teenager’s desire to be abstinent would always be respected AND honored.

- written by Mike Domitrz, Executive Director of The Date Safe Project and Producer of HELP! My Teen Is Dating. Realistic Solutions to Tough Conversations. Each year, Mike speaks around the world in over 80 educational and military installations sharing the important messages of respect, consent, bystander intervention and supporting survivors.
To obtain permission to reprint any or all portions of this article, E-mail Mike here

Written by The Date Safe Project Inc on October 28, 2009

Welcome to 2009 Blog

Welcome to our 2009 Blog.  As you can see, we have included posts from our previous blogs from 2007 – 2008 before we took a break to remodel our online community which is now launching in the summer of 2009.

The Date Safe Project blog is a CONVERSATION and so please engage and SHARE with everyone here by utilizing the “Comments” after each post.  You will find posts for parents, educators, students, and caring individuals & organizations addressing dating, intimacy, decision-making, and sexual assault.  While having fun sharing your thoughts with us, please keep comments positive in tone.  THANKS!

Lets make a difference together,
Mike Domitrz

Written by Mike Domitrz on June 15, 2009

Honoring Martin Luther King Jr., His Legacy, & Respect

Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “A genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus.” On this day set aside to remember and honor the positive impact he had on our world, may we all work to mold a new consensus of respect of all people, males and females.

May we work to insure “respect” is ingrained in every aspect of our society – from a 4 year old born into financial poverty to the wealthiest and most powerful leaders in our world.  For if respect was truly given and received by all and to all, we would have little need for the work many of us do.

Thank you, Martin Luther King Jr., for improving our world.  While many of today’s society were never alive to meet you or hear your words in-person, your legacy lives forever!

Written by Mike Domitrz on January 21, 2008

Parents, Give Your Teenager Freedom from YOU

After coaching my son’s basketball game today, he wanted to ride home with my wife.  We had drove separately to the game and he was not in a good mood after this big loss.  My wife and I decided to have him drive home with me so that he and I could talk.  Plus, if he was mad with me, we could solve it during the ride. 

Since he didn’t want to talk and he didn’t want to ride with me, what was I going to accomplish by "making him ride with me" other than showing him I could MAKE do it?  After all, he is 12 years old and appreciates a little space.  Within 30 seconds of driving, I pulled over and let him go home with my wife.  Why?  He deserves to have his wishes respected, especially a request that was of no harm to anyone.

If my EGO couldn’t take him not wanting to be with me at the time, the problem was my EGO (not him).  He drove home with my wife.  After we had been home for a little while, I came into the Family Room where he was watching the NFL playoffs.  Since he was relaxed, I chose this time to talk.  His time.  Our conversation was very productive and ended with smiles.

Today’s moments reminded me of one of the Golden Rules we share in the Help! My Teen is Dating DVD and Book Set: talk on your child’s time.  Show him/her respect and your child is much more likely to show some back.  While showing patience as a parent is not always easy, the rewards are worth the wait!

Written by Mike Domitrz on January 6, 2008

An Interview with John Petroski (writer of “Rape Only Hurts If You Fight It”). What Now?

The recent article in The Recorder (student newspaper at Central Connecticut State University) titled, "Rape Only Hurts If You Fight It"’ has caused great pain to many people across the country.  As individuals share their reactions in e-mails, blogs, "Letters to the Editor", and many other mediums, we wanted to provide a direct outlet for both the conversation and the future.

In deciding what to post on our blog, I have chosen not to reprint the original article.  Why?  Because many survivors have shared the pain this article has caused and so we are giving each individual the choice to read the article through other online sources.  From what I have been told and could find, The Recorder has pulled the article.  By doing a search on the internet, you can find the article posted on blogs and various websites.  The apology the writer gave on his campus earlier this week is not available on many websites and so you can read it by clicking here.

The second reason we chose not to publish the original article is the possibility that the author could have written this article to get publicity.  Reprinting the article would only be bring further publicity — while potentially hurting more people who’s lives have been effected by the crime and tragedy of sexual assault (the apology does not include the shocking and painful wording found in the original article).

What we have done is gone directly to the source.  This evening, I shared an exchange of e-mails with John Petroski, the writer of the orginal article.  I contacted him to see how accountable he was being for the words he wrote.  At no time prior did John Petroski contact me.  I initiated the conversation.  I do believe the progression of events is important to those people who may argue, "If he contacted you, then he might just be using you for more publicity."

What I do want to provide is an opportunity for EVERYONE to share their reactions with him directly!!  While this writer has had the opportunity to be heard, many others do not have a large platform to share their thoughts.  I wanted to insure that every voice would have the chance to be heard by the actual author of the original article.  To do so, I needed to discover whether he would listen or read anyone’s comments.  Therefore, the following is the precise exchange of 2 e-mails shared tonight (afterward, I asked for John Petroski’s permission to share the e-mails and he gave full permission).  Below are the exact words.  After the progression of e-mails, my comments follow:

E-mail from Mike Domitrz to John Petroski:

To help all those whose pain you’ve caused, I will share your e-mail on my blog at www.askingfirst.com.  With your apology, I’m sure you accept responsibility to respond to the people you hurt throughout this country.  Now that your voice has been heard, many of them want you to hear theirs.

Response from John Petroski to Mike Domitrz:

I would appreciate that, Mr. Domitrz.  I would also appreciate any advice or suggestions from you as to how to help people who I have hurt.  I understand that there were some women at CCSU who spoke of feeling suicidal and I do not want any more harm to come from my article than already has.

I was thinking of perhaps speaking at events for raising awareness.  Obviously, not now.  Not until I have become much, much more educated on the subject.  But I do think that I have learned some important lessons here.  I would like to share them with people who would like to learn them in an easier fashion.

Forgive me for being curt earlier.  I can never tell who is a news station or who is interested in helping people.  I have a copy of the apology.  I will attach it for you.  Please note that the last part (below the dashes) is a non-verbatim account of a few words I felt moved to say before reading my prepared statement.  I do not have a record of the exact words I said, but I felt the very last paragraph is especially important and wanted to include it.

In that sense, I would invite you to give my school email out to absolutely anyone who wishes for me to hear their story.  I promise that I will read every one.  They all are forwarded through to this private account.

I apologize for the harm this has caused everyone,
John P. Petroski

end of e-mails.

What is your reaction?  What are your thoughts?  What do you recommend for John Petroski?  You can comment on this blog or e-mail us at The Date Safe Project at info@thedatesafeproject.org. I gave him 3 suggestions and told him I would invite my colleagues around the country, survivors, professionals, educators, and others to share their ideas with him.  Too often, media and people in power can make statements that harm others without ever having to hear directly from the people they hurt.  Not this time — assuming this writer will read your e-mails (as he stated). 

If you use the e-mail address provided above, all e-mails will be forwarded to John Petroski from a general e-mail account (he will not see your e-mail address). The reason we are not including his personal e-mail address is to protect survivors and individuals.  Since the writer has acknowledged his need for more education and understanding of the issue, we want to avoid having him respond directly with comments which could further cause harm (whether intentional or accidental).

You have a college student asking for advice.  When I work with college students around the country, sometimes a student comes up and says, "I’ve made some very poor choices in the past that I now realize were wrong.  My choices hurt other people. I don’t ever want to do that again.  In fact, I want to make sure others do not make my mistakes."

Many of us who work in education and especially with addressing issues surrounding sexual assault have had students share such words with us.  How do you respond?  How do we utilize this moment to make a positive difference for the future?  Here is one example of an idea for the author:

EXAMPLE
Have John Petroski work with his student newspaper to print a lengthy series of articles on the many issues surrounding sexual assault on college campuses (a feature article in each edition for the next 4-6 weeks).  Have John Petroski involved with the research (to help him learn).  Before going to print, have each article approved by professionals from local rape crisis centers to insure they are written well and address the subject matter in an appropriately sensitive manner.  Upon each article being edited and approved by local agencies, then release the articles to run nationally (for those papers that will pick up the story).  The writer of each article should be noted as "Those Who Care" to insure no one is writing the article to gain publicity.

Some people have called for John Petroski to be completely removed from the student newspaper staff.  What would you do?  What would you write to John Petroski?  Comment here or e-mail info@thedatesafeproject.org.  

Holding people accountable is one of the greatest ways to create positive change!!

Written by Mike Domitrz on February 14, 2007

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