Schools | Teen, college, and military sexual assault, school healthy dating, intimacy, and bystander intervention resources brought to you by The Date Safe Project, Inc.

Parent need to talk with teenagers about teen dating violence and abuse.

Do you realize how common teen dating violence is? Look at these stats below:

One in three female teens in a dating relationship report having feared for their safety.
About 30% of teens in a dating relationship have been text-messaged 10, 20 or 30 times an hour by a partner finding out where they are.
One in five teens in a serious relationship report having been hit, slapped or pushed by a partner.
One in four girls in a relationship report having been pressured to go further sexually than they really wanted.

**Source: Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Institute

Take the time to speak with your teen about violence. If it’s not happening to them it’s happening to someone they know.

Written by Mike Domitrz on February 5, 2008

Wichita Teen Speaks Out Against Dating Violence

With this week being dedicated nationally to addressing Teen Dating Violence, we are working hard to provide you insightful tips, stories, and inspirations throughout this week. Today’s focus? How do teens recover from violence? What outlets can we give them to express themselves?

Brian Latta, a Digital Productions teacher at Northwest High School in Wichita, Kansas assigned his class a project. He challenged his students to create a public service announcement about teen dating abuse. The public service announcement they were creating could only be one minute in length.

Not a lot of time to send an entire message. Not until one of his students took the challenge head on!

Ashley Hoyle experienced teen dating violence first hand. She is a survivor.

She wanted to express to teens, adults, law enforcement, and educators just how serious the problem is and how hard it is to recognize the signs. Ashley was able to tell others through her video what she wasn’t able to verbalize about her experience. Her message was so strong that she was selected to be the National Spokeswoman for National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Week which started yesterday (on Sunday).

Not only was she given the opportunity to warn and help others but she also has found a way to experience healing for herself. As I travel the country, I continually meet incredible survivors who share how writing, performance, or some form of expressing themselvs is what really sped up the healing and recovery process for them as survivors. Many of the surivors in the book "Voices of Courage" have talked about how powerful writing their chapter for the book was for their own personal journeys. Then to hear from other survivors who have praised the book — has simply made the journey that much more meaningful for them.

Being part of an abusive relationship eats away at self esteem. The abuser uses control and manipulation to slowly or quickly eliminate a victim’s self esteem. Providing the ability for a survivor to do something constructive with his/her experience re-builds the self-esteem.

When working with abused teens, explore what re-builds their self-esteem. What projects and contests can you sponsor or create in your schools and communities? Who will you team up with? Local TV, local cable access networks, print media, retailers, etc…

Self-esteem can also grow through finding ways to experience success in other venues: a sport, hobby or interest. Help survivors recognize how special they are to the world. Remind them of their many talents that make them remarkable. More than anything, help them realize how incredible they are for THEMSELVES.

This posting was inspired by the following article:
"Wichita teen a national speaker on abuse" by JILLIAN COHAN with Wichita Eagle. Click here to read full article.

Written by Mike Domitrz on February 4, 2008

Parents need to take notice of signs for dating violence and abuse of teenagers

When it comes to teen violence, many families struggle to notice it, even with their own children. Some people write off inappropriate comments by thinking, "That just part of being a teenager" or "Kids will be kids." Other adults are intimidated by their own ignorance. You may not know the current language teenagers are using and so you feel out of touch. Instead of embarrassing yourself when intervening, you simply avoid the potential conflict. You do nothing.

Plus, we think as teenagers, they would speak out if someone their own age was making them feel uncomfortable or was hurting them. Reality is the direct opposite. Approval and being "part of the crowd" puts extreme pressure on teenagers NOT to speak out, even when they know something is not right. You don’t want to be the kid who ratted on someone.

What are the signs? Here are some starting points for teenagers (and even pre-teens) to look out for:

Extreme jealousy
Controlling behavior
Quick involvement
Unpredictable mood swings
Alcohol and drug use
Explosive anger
Isolates you from friends and family
Uses force during an argument
Shows hypersensitivity
Believes in rigid sex roles
Blames others for his problems or feelings
Cruel to animals and children
Verbally abusive
Abused former partners
Threatens violence

The above 15 points are from Michelle Woods and her team at MayDay Inc. Michelle also states that as an educator and law enforcement, you should be on the lookout for these signs:

Physical signs of injury
Truancy, dropping out of school
Failing grades
Indecision
Changes in mood or personality
Use of drugs or alcohol
Emotional outbursts
Isolation

Bottom line, we need to teach our teens to choose better relationships and partners. Re-enforce the qualities of a loving and fair partner. As parents, we are responsible for teaching teens the warning signs.

Here is a recent article where these tips were provided by Michelle Woods and MayDay Inc:
Baker City Herald – MayDay Helps Teens Avoid Violence

Written by Mike Domitrz on February 2, 2008

Dating Violence Among Teenagers Ignites Activism

Monday, February 4, 2008 marks the third annual “National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Week’. Beginning Monday, students across the country will begin campaigns bringing to light this reality among our children. Sadly, this reality has been an unnoticed problem for a long time.

According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention) a reported 9% of American teens reported they have been physically hurt by their boyfriend or girlfriend. Even more frightening is the way technology is being used to stalk, intimidate and abuse our children. Many teens are embarrassed to admit this is going on and it goes unreported.

As parents, educators, and law enforcement, it is our responsibility to teach our children that violence and dating is not ok, to identify what is acceptable behavior, and what to do if they do not like how they are being treated. We need to give them the tools to stay safe and date safe!

Here are some great links for more information: www.TheSafeSpace.org and www.BreakTheCycle.org

SHARE In the "Comments" section what students are doing in your area. If you have ideas for schools, parents, or law enforcement, share with us.

Written by Mike Domitrz on February 1, 2008

Sex Ed in Schools

Below is a link to an article on Sex Ed in schools. Please comment with your reactions:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1622610&sc=emaf

Written by Mike Domitrz on January 29, 2008

Jamie Lynn Spears, Pregnancy, Statutory Rape, and the How Schools Need to Talk with Students

Jamie Lynn Spears’ official announcement she is pregnant is bringing up conversations about the legal age of consent for sexual activity. From the Genarlow Wilson case in Georgia earlier this year to now the pregnancy of 16 year old Jamie Lynn Spears (the star of Nickelodeon’s "Zoey 101" and sister of Britney Spears), our country needs to take a sincere look at consent and society’s current approach to sexual education in our schools and in our homes. From educators to parents, direct conversations are needed with all students.

The entire concept of "consent" is constantly misunderstood. In reporting of pregnancies involving minors, the media often says "consensual sex among minors." When a state has laws stating a minor cannot give consent with a partner of a specific age, the media needs to use the following wording instead, "mutually agreed upon sex." The failure to use the correct wording leads to students and overall society responding with, "How can consensual sex be rape?" Consent is a LEGAL term.

Here is where the problem begins. How many teenagers and young adults actually have MUTUALLY AGREED UPON sexual activity? For the sexual activity to be "Mutually Agreed Upon," it would demand two people agreeing together – A CONVERSATION (No, not a contract. Two people talking with each other). However, we know most students do not openly discuss their sexual activity with their partner until they are already at the point of being uncomfortable OR until after the act has already been done OR or not at all.

While speaking in middle schools, high schools, and colleges, students continually tell me that if they TALKED FIRST, it would slow down the speed at which the sexual activity is taking place AND often stop it from happening at all. By talking first, they would frequently find the conversation uncomfortable which would be a telling sign one of the two people (if not both) is not mature enough and/or comfortable enough in the sexual situation that is about to occur! Teaching consent the correct way better protects today’s students.

Start this discussion in your classroom and then report the results in the "Comments" section of this post.

Written by Mike Domitrz on December 20, 2007

Slowing down

Last night as I drove through the Appalacian Moutains, I was taken aback by the beauty, the serenity, the green of the hillsides, and the roll of the individual mountain. After landing in Dayton, OH this morning, I was driving into the city and noticed a wonderous water fountain to the left of the expressway. You felt like you were looking at 5 large firehoses shooting up into the air and landing in one spot together in the middle of the river. As Garrison Keiler was speaking through the car radio on National Public Radio with a repeat broadcast of "A Prairie Home Companion," you felt compelled to just stop. Take it all in.

Well I couldn’t stop in the middle of the expressway and so I enjoyed the moment for the second I had it. As for Garrison, his segment was captivating me. I hadn’t heard his show in several years. This episode had me with his every word. Garrison was telling a story about a husband daydreaming in his hammock on a nice summer day. His dreams went through humorous flashbacks from his life. I needed to stop and get a bite to eat before I spoke at the University of Dayton. The only restaurant open was the Starbucks I am in right now. However, my car radio wouldn’t let me open the car door. I had to hear the end and I’m glad I did. The ending of the story had the man admiring his wife as she walked into their home.

"Asking First" creates times in life that make us stop, slow down, and enjoy the moment. When you ‘ask first’, it forces you to pause. You get to take in every aspect of healthy intimacy without racing. By asking, you don’t miss out on CREATING an unforgettable moment. Of course, these are the moments you want to slow down, get right, and enjoy!

Written by Mike Domitrz on August 19, 2007

Do you really want my opinion? Do you take it in or simply let it be said?

When someone provides you feedback, how do you absorb their words? Do you open your mind with a positive energy of "How can I make that work?" or do you respond with "I like your ideas, BUT . . ." and immediately share why you cannot or will not utilize their idea(s)?

Recently, I was sharing on a college e-mail listserve how schools can utilize our "Pledge for Action" during Sexual Assault Awareness Month in April. At the time, the pledge was called the "Pledge to Protect." We have been utilizing this pledge for over a 1.5 years. Through this e-mail exchange on the listserve, one of the members shared how she did not like the word "Protect" in the pledge’s title because of the Patriarchal meanings and connotations of that specific word. No one was questioning the content of the pledge — just the name.

We had a choice. We could say to ourselves, "It is one person and this pledge has been extremely effective. If we make this change, we would have to get new websites, change all the current information we send out, and make lots of other updates." The other option we had was to ask the entire listserve, "What if we change the name to ‘Pledge for Action’ which requires signers to commit to taking real action? What do you all think of this idea?"

We chose to open this question to the entire listserve and the feedback was OVERWHELMING — we kept hearing "WE LOVE THE CHANGE to Pledge for Action!!" (www.pledge4action.org).

From that change, another colleague of mine suggested, "Mike, with this new name, I can envision a pin people can wear year-round that says, ‘Pledge for Action’ and it would be a die-cast pin (like a National Honor Society pin in high school) so it would be sharp looking." The "Pledge for Action" pins have now been ordered. We have a pin designed in the shape of the logo used on the pledge with the wording "Pledge for Action" across the front. Plus, we have a new t-shirt coming out which is designed specifically for the pledge!

All of this change happened because one person shared their opinion with us. If we had discarded their e-mail, we would have lost out on improving an already successful educational campaign. The new changes are going to help us get this campaign out to many more populations, especially with schools, communities, and organizations being able to use the pins and the shirts in conjunction with the signing of the pledge.

The surprising part of this experience were the amount of e-mails saying, "Thanks, Mike, for being willing to listen to change. Most people would not have opened up this conversation about their own work." To me, it seems like the only choice. How can you ask students and communities to open their minds — while you keep yours closed to helpful feedback?

Who will you ask for their ideas today? What positive changes will you make? Join us in our newest change and sign the pledge at www.pledge4action.org.

Written by Mike Domitrz on February 22, 2007

“Asking First” for Delta Zeta, Residence Life, and Athletics at CSU – Long Beach

The Delta Zeta Sorority at California State University – Long Beach (CSU – Long Beach) almost had their entire chapter in attendance for the "Can I Kiss You?" presentation (you can see them in the picture). In fact, they brought the most students from Greek Life to the program.

One sorority sister shared, "By the way, I went on a date with a guy, who also attended your presentation on Monday, and I kid you not he asked if it was ok for him to kiss me before he actually did it!! I was in shock and so impressed that he was serious. Thanks again for an amazing presentation." You never know how quickly people will begin change!!

Various departments from throughout campus worked hard — which resulted in a standing room only of over 500 students for the event. Athletics helped sponsored the program and it showed as many teams were in attendance.

Residence Life, a co-sponosr, encouraged their residents and leadership (RAs, etc…) to attend the main program and then a smaller "Train the Trainer" session was run exclusively for RAs and their Directors. The attendees in the "Train the Trainer" workshop were very interactive. I am excited to hear about their upcoming programming ideas and how they will be putting the ideas into action over the upcoming months.

Written by Mike Domitrz on February 11, 2007

New National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline

Have you heard about the new National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline, NTDAH, (www.loveisrespect.org) announced by The National Domestic Violence Hotline and Liz Claiborne Inc.? According to press releases, it is a "24-hour national web-based and telephone helpline created to help teens (ages 13-18) experiencing dating abuse during a press conference at the National Press Club in Washington DC."

From the PRESS RELEASE:

“If teens are not turning to their parents for help, it is essential that they have a private outlet where they can discuss their fears with someone who will provide immediate assistance” said Sheryl Cates, chief executive officer of the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the Texas Council on Family Violence. “This helpline and website were designed exclusively for teens so they can speak to a peer or an adult advocate anonymously and confidentially.”

Teens and parents anywhere in the country can call toll free, 866-331-9474 or log on to the interactive Web site, www.loveisrespect.org, and receive immediate, confidential assistance. In addition to a toll-free phone line, www.loveisrepect.org will be the first interactive dating abuse website, staffed by trained advocates, where teens can write and immediately get assistance in a one-on-one private chat room.

Liz Claiborne Inc. initiated and funded www.loveisrespect.org with a multi year, million dollar grant as part of the Company’s commitment to help end teen dating abuse in this country. The helpline and website will operated by the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

“My boyfriend terrorized me in a number of ways, but one of the most effective was through email. Email became one of his primary methods of control, especially when my parents refused to let us speak on the phone. He wanted to know where I was every second of every day” says Kendrick Sledge, a teen dating abuse survivor. “If there was a teen dating abuse helpline when I was being abused, I might not have stayed in the relationship as long as I did.”

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) is a project of the Texas Council on Family Violence in Austin, Texas. NDVH provides empowerment-based crisis intervention, information and referral to victims of domestic violence and their friends and families. The Hotline serves as the only center in the nation with access to more than 5,200 sources of help including 2,000 battered women’s shelters in the United States, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. NDVH and ndvh.org operates 24 hours each day, 365 days every year, in over 150 different languages, with a TTY line available for the Deaf, Deaf-Blind and Hard of Hearing. All calls to NDVH are anonymous.

Written by Mike Domitrz on February 10, 2007