The “Slut Reputation” Discussion

“But if I ask for a kiss, my partner is going to assume I also want a lot more than a kiss.”

Over the years of discussing verbal consent with students around the country, this concern has been expressed numerous times, usually by females of various ages. The worry is that showing any verbal sexual communication will lead to her partner thinking she wants “everything” and/or is a “slut.”

If BEFORE you go on a date or meet up you already have a gut feeling your partner is going to disrespect you and/or make assumptions about what he/she can do with you sexually, find a new partner. You deserve to be respected at all times.

The next question is usually, “What about BEFORE I know the person well enough to make a judgement?”  TALK with your partner openly and honestly.  By both of you understanding “How” to discuss boundaries, wants, and expectations for sexual activity, you help teach each other a respecting partner is going to LISTEN.  Your partner will hopefully quickly realize he/she cannot jump to conclusions with what YOU WANT.

One example for you to use on a date:

“Often toward the end of a date, it can get a little awkward because the 2 people don’t know what is expected. To avoid the awkwardness (especially since we are having soo much fun tonight), how do you communicate what you expect and/or want from a partner? For instance, I believe in always ASKING FIRST. If you want to kiss me, ask me. I’ll let you know my answer. I’ll do the same for you. If I want to kiss you, I’ll ask you. If I ask for a kiss or say ‘Yes’ to a kiss, it is a kiss at that point and not more. Anyone who just ‘goes for it’ and tries to do more without asking me first, the date is over. I believe in both of us respecting each other at all times. Is that cool?”

If after this conversation your partner thinks you are a “slut” for having a mature, open discussion on boundaries, follow the approach mentioned earlier and get a new partner! Find someone with the maturity and emotional intelligence to respect you at all times. After all, you deserve respect!

P.S. The above example script provided can be used by all genders and sexual orientation.

- written by Mike Domitrz, Executive Director of The Date Safe Project and Producer of HELP! My Teen Is Dating. Realistic Solutions to Tough Conversations. Each year, Mike speaks around the world in over 80 educational and military installations sharing the important messages of respect, consent, bystander intervention and supporting survivors.
To obtain permission to reprint any or all portions of this article, E-mail Mike here

Sexual Harrassment, students, parents, and schools

I came across an article that got my attention.   A school was having difficulty with outbreaks of hazing, violence, and sexual assault.  To combat it, they put together a taskforce of teachers & administration, parents and students. 

Making students a part of the process to make their environment safer gave them ownership and insight to the problem.  Making students a part of the process compelled them to participate.  They saw they could contribute and understood they added value to the system.  The students and the rest of the taskforce were vigilant in correcting the problem.  Now the school has policies and procedures in place to deal with outbreaks.  The students are accountable for their actions and are required to participate in restorative justice. 

You can read the article at:
http://www.reformer.com/ci_8136614?source=most_viewed

How do your kids use the word, "Slut"?  Many pre-teens and teenagers will tell you the word is "No big deal because people use it for all different meanings."  The reality is that the word "Slut" is very powerful.  The #1 reason students tell me that females do not speak openly about sex or "Ask First" before engaging in intimacy with a partner is because many females are "AFRAID" of being called a "Slut."  The word is soo powerful it stops females from speaking their mind openly and honestly.  We must work diligently to decrease the use of this word among youth and adults (after all, we are the role models).

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