31: The Best of 2018 of The RESPECT Podcast

Welcome to this really special episode. You know what makes podcasting super special, and really meaningful and fulfilling? You do. The listener.

Knowing that you’re out there listening is what inspires me to want to give you better content, better shows, continually improve as your host of The Respect Podcast with Mike Domitrz. So, I wanted to give a special gift to you, for listening throughout 2018, and this episode is that gift!

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Mike Domitrz: Welcome to the Respect Podcast, I’m your host Mike Domitrz, from Mike Speaks dot com, where we help organizations of all sizes, educational institutions, and the U.S. military, create a culture of respect. And respect is exactly what we discuss on this show, so let’s get started.

Mike Domitrz: Welcome to this really special episode. You know what makes podcasting super special, and really meaningful and fulfilling? You do. The listener. You do. Knowing that you’re out there listening is what inspires me to want to give you better content, better shows, continually improve as your host of The Respect Podcast with Mike Domitrz. So, I wanted to give a special gift to you, for listening throughout 2018, and this episode is that gift. It’s the best of.

Mike Domitrz: What we’ve done here, is tried to create some of the best segments from the year, and put them together, so you can really enjoy the past year’s content, and that’s what you’re going to get in this episode.

Mike Domitrz: So if you’re listening to this, this episode came out in the final week of 2018. So let’s get started with the very first segment that we are going to highlight from 2018, this is featuring my good friend, brilliant speaker, motivator, inspirational human being, Sean Stephenson. Here goes.

Sean Stephenson: Human beings can make a lot of impact financially, and movement, by screwing people over.

Mike Domitrz: Right.

Sean Stephenson: And so if you’re interpreting that, oh, I need to screw people over to make movement and income, that’s an incorrect statement, because that’s one way, it’s not the way I like to roll, it’s not the way you like to roll. It’s not the way, I think, your listener would want to roll, right? But, when you’re naïve, and you’re just getting your start, and you see somebody, and you see that they’re getting financial success, or they’re getting more exposure, you think, “Oh, I guess I need to be a jerk,” right?

Sean Stephenson: And it’s not true. There are many ways to get inside a house. You can either put dynamite on the side of the wall, or you can use the key. They’ll both get you in, they’ll both gain you entrance, one’s gonna have a far less devastating impact.

Mike Domitrz: Yeah, that’s a great analogy. I love that. And so, we were talking there, about the fact of how we go about being upfront, and being honest. What do you think is the number one fear people have in that moment? ‘Cause agenda is everything. We have agendas with our family, we have agendas with our work.

Sean Stephenson: The word scares people.

Mike Domitrz: Yes. Right, they didn’t want to say, “I have an agenda.” Right? “I don’t have an agenda.” That’s the number one defense you’ll hear. “I don’t have an agenda.” We all have agendas!

Sean Stephenson: What I think they mean is, “I don’t have a negative agenda.” Right? And so that’s why you need to be very clear about the difference between empowering and limiting, draining and recharging agendas. And I think it’s very healing, it’s very healing, to be clear on your agendas. And if I can take it into the realm of romance for a second. On my first date with my wife, I said, “I would like to sleep with you someday.”

Sean Stephenson: And she was like, “What? What kind of guy says,” I didn’t say it in a slick, gross, pushy way, I just said, “Someday I’d like to sleep with you.” And she said she trusted me in that minute. That was the moment she was like, “Oh my god, this guy just made it very clear what his agenda was.”

Sean Stephenson: It didn’t mean that that I wouldn’t be her friend if we weren’t gonna do that. It was no manipulation. She’s like, “But that was the moment I knew I could trust you, because you told me an actual, authentic agenda. I’d never heard a man confidently say that.”

Sean Stephenson: I say that same thing when I get into a sales call. I say to somebody, “Listen, the opportunity I’m gonna offer you is gonna be 10 times what you’re going to pay me. So I do not feel bad whatsoever in the exchange of receiving the energy that you work hard to gather, ’cause I’m gonna 10 x what you’re paying for, so I want you to know, I’m gonna get really excited by taking your money, because I’m exchanging something way greater for you.”

Sean Stephenson: And they’re like, “Heck yeah, let’s do this.” Now, not everybody says, “Yes, I’ll pay,” but everybody says, “Let’s have the dialogue.”

Mike Domitrz: Right.

Sean Stephenson: I just want people to be excited to have the dialogue. Whether it’s about romance, whether it’s about income, whether it’s about progress, movement, making an impact. Let’s not be afraid to ask for what we want. If they say no, they say no.

Mike Domitrz: This next interview is from Omekongo Dibinga, where we talk about today’s culture, and where respect stands today.

Mike Domitrz: Let’s hear what Omekongo’s got to say.

Omekongo: We live in this microwave society, so everything has been sped up. If you go to a website and it doesn’t load in six seconds, you go to the next thing. You know, you don’t have to print out pictures anymore, you see it instantly. All of these things, social media, you put something out there, automatically you’re getting likes. All of this stuff has effected our ability to process, because we’re so used now, to having everything happen quickly, we’re also making up our minds quickly. And as I said before, as Donna Ford said, “We make up,” actually she said, “The less we know about each other the more we make up.” But someone else said, “We make up our minds quickly, and we change them slowly.” And that’s part of the problem. And everything we do is hyper now, that effects the conversations we’re able to have or not have.

Mike Domitrz: Absolutely. So what are ways that we can watch ourselves from triggering into that mistake? Of making a mind up instantly, but yet changing it slowly.

Omekongo: Asking ourselves, “Why do I think this about that person?” So if you see, if you’re white, and you see a black person, and you automatically clutch your purse walking down the street, you have to start interrogating yourself. Why? If you see somebody who you assume to be muslim, and they check in with you at the airport, and you automatically hope they get more security, you have to ask yourself why. And then once you ask yourself why, you have to ask yourself, “Is this right? How can I fix this?”

Omekongo: That leads to you looking around and checking your information stream. For example, “Is my social media, are my feeds, are they just echo chambers? Where I just hear these same stories repeated.” You have to ask yourself, “Who taught me this particular group is a criminal, or is a terrorist?” And start interrogating that. And once you start interrogating that, and you will hopefully come to the conclusion that you have been programmed, you have been brainwashed to think that way about a certain group of people, and so on your social media, if you follow a particular people, start engaging in conversations with other people.

Omekongo: Remember social media used to be a place where you engage? Now it’s a place where we attack. So let’s start bringing that back. Start going in a page and say, “Hey, I’m just asking questions here.” And you know, sometimes because everything is so heightened right now, you might get shut down by some people, but there gonna be some other people like me, like you, who are gonna say, “No, it’s actually this way. Maybe you should read this site, maybe you should read this book.”

Omekongo: But look, check this out, what did the peer research center say? Last year, about 25 percent of Americans admitted to not reading a book of any sort. Audiobook, eBook, physical book. So that’s the work. You can’t lead if you don’t read.

Mike Domitrz: Omekongo, when you were talking about social media, and being willing to find people saying different things, some people really feel the world on a very sensitive level. It can almost be toxic for them to go into those counterculture environments, so how do you select which of those voices do you go on to and engage? Like you said, you could get attacked, you could get shut down, but there are some … it’s a careful fine line, because if you go into some, it’s 95 percent attack you down, shut you down, five percent healthy, and to get to the healthy, it’s just brutal.

Omekongo: Yeah, so what I would do, for example, is I would go, let’s say coming back to Black Lives Matter, or let’s say the MeToo movement, for example. I would go, like if I was on Twitter, which is the main one I use, I would look, scroll through the hashtag of MeToo, and see what different people are saying, and I would look and see if there are certain people who are coming off as somewhat objective, or at least not attacking, even though they’re strong in their views, and engage them. Because you can look at the threads, and you’ll see some people just say, “All men are dogs, and you need to accept it, and that’s just end of the day.” You’ll see some other people who are saying, “We need to take every accusation seriously, because yes, it is true that most of the accusations are real, but there have been some instances where women have lied, and we don’t want that to destroy a positive movement.” That’s somebody you want to engage with. But if you just go to the person who just has one strong opinion, one way or another. “All women are lying,” or “All men are dogs,” you’re not gonna have a productive conversation.

Omekongo: But again, you have to do that work, so you can find Facebook groups and different people. Find those folks, and that’s how you start. But, some of us are looking for a fight. And some of us know that if we go to certain people, they’re automatically gonna shut us down, and then we say, “See? I tried.” That’s not genuine. That’s not genuine. Those are some ways you can do that, is by start checking the feeds of people, and seeing if it’s somebody you can actively engage with. And it doesn’t have to be somebody with a million followers, sometimes it’s better that they have few followers, because as you know, what happens is, those people who respond to you with a bunch of followers, they’re responding to you, but they’re really just talking to their followers.

Omekongo: “Look at this idiot Omekongo asking me about this MeToo, like c’mon.” That person’s not talking to me. They’re talking to their followers. So maybe the person who may have fewer followers, but is interested in a genuine … I’ve had some incredible conversations like that on Twitter, just recently, just yesterday, by doing that. And don’t engage in any name calling. Don’t engage in any name calling. And somebody who is engaging in name calling, they’re waiting to call you names, too.

Mike Domitrz: There are people that you meet in life that just have a certain energy about them, their soul just allows you to see that they feel the world and they care passionately for others, and Kirsty Spraggon is one of these individuals who I’ve had the opportunity to interview several times. I want to highlight her interview from 2018 on this show, right now. Here’s Kirsty.

Kirsty Spraggon: I think that you have to get to a place where the pain is worse than the fear. So, I was miserable. I wasn’t happy, I was isolating, I was numbing, I was engaging in behaviors that weren’t really healthy or loving to myself. I think that being a speaker, and being in this world, and growing up in sales, [inaudible 00:11:14] since I was 13 years old, on the old cassette tapes. So I think I had this seed planted around dreaming big in the workspace, that you could dream big, that you could do anything, that built my resilience and my confidence. And I think that was, to me, was important in a way that I didn’t even know until much later, but it was always there, building, and so for a while I kept those things separate. Success was camouflaging my unworthiness. I stayed so busy that I didn’t have time, I was so distracted, business is another way to number, you know? Over-exercising, overworking. When we don’t have any space or capacity. When we’re not meditating, or sitting in silence with ourselves. So we don’t have to hear our own voice, and all of the misery.

Kirsty Spraggon: So for me, it was a long journey. And it just happened that I was curious. I was a truth seeker. I knew I was uncomfortable, I knew I was unhappy, but I didn’t really know what to do. But I would seek, I would seek our mentors, I would seek out courses, I was a conference junkie. I would take out books. I was reading other people’s stories.

Kirsty Spraggon: Then I started the show. And I was interviewing people. But I wasn’t telling my truth, at that point. All of these things, over the years, all these different legalities from EST, to therapy, all played a role in my building up my tools, my backpack, so that I, when I got to the place I felt ready, and even on the day, when I decided to share in the TEDX talks, I wanted to vomit, all day long. I was so nauseous, and so ill, for hours.

Kirsty Spraggon: So it doesn’t mean that the fear ever fully goes away, you just get to a place where you’re willing to hold its hand and take a leap anyway.

Mike Domitrz: And before we dive into the Ted Talk, and you having that moment onstage, and revealing onstage, do you think there’s a way, ’cause for your journey, and many people that I meet around the world, for many of us, I think what you said was brilliant, that the pain has to outweigh the fear. That makes us make the step forward, because we don’t want the pain anymore. Is there a way for people to have this journey, without having to get to that place? To that place of so hurt, so dark, that, “I’ve got to do something or else?”

Kirsty Spraggon: I’m going through a new journey right now, and I’m in process of healing that, and figuring out what it all means, and I certainly am much more confident. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have the emotional pain when you have to sit with the memories, the trauma, when stuff is coming up for you. It doesn’t mean that the pain disappears entirely. But, I don’t have the pain and the fear around sharing, around doing the work, around sitting in it all. I know that there’s a process. I know that you have to kind of go through the fire to get to the other side. I know it’s gonna feel worse before it feels better.

Kirsty Spraggon: So you also build, and I think that this is the same with any skill in life, any entrepreneurial journey, you build a frame of reference for success when you go through something. So, having that early journey around shame, taught me what the process looked like, and that there was an end result. That yes, it’s gonna be painful, yes, it’s gonna be uncomfortable, but I’m gonna be okay. Most of these voices are just in my head. Most of the worries don’t ever happen. And the same with business. You know there’s this frame of reference. So whether you go skydiving. No matter what you do, you build this frame of reference for, “I did this, this happened, this worked out, and now I’m at the other side.”

Kirsty Spraggon: For me, healing’s kind of the same. I don’t think anyone needs to wait until they get to that rock bottom, you know, but some of us that gotten out of soul, like it’s part of the journey. But I think at any point you can choose to go, “Okay, how do I find resources? Podcasts like this, and mentors, and courses, and figure out how, you know, maybe somebody else has already gone through this.”

Kirsty Spraggon: For me, that’s one of the reasons that I speak so much through other people’s stories and books, and in the interviews that I do, because then you’re hearing from someone who’s gone before you, and you get to hear what helped them the most, and how they got through it. So, it gives you hope and wisdom, and I think you always have to learn some of your own lessons, but it certainly helps to hear them from someone who’s gone before you.

Mike Domitrz: Our next segment is from the host of the Empowered Podcast. Really powerful discussion on gender and identity. Brilliant insights from Terry Yuan. So let’s listen in.

Theresa Yuan: People don’t necessarily identify with their reproductive capabilities, you know? There could be women who don’t want to have children, does that make them less of a woman? Does that make them not a woman? Because they choose not to express the full potential of their reproductive organs? And similarly, a man may have the desire to give birth, but that doesn’t mean he can, and does it make him a woman? And so biology’s also different from sexual desire, and your identity. So one can identify male or female, right? And be born in a different body, which is what transgender is. But then you can also have different sexual desires.

Theresa Yuan: So regardless of whether you’re male or female bodied, you may have an attraction to male or female traits or people. So there’s so many layers of gender identity, that I think the whole thing is a continuum. Even if people who are biologically expressed very much one or the other, it doesn’t mean that they have fully those traits that we have identified as belonging to those genders.

Mike Domitrz: I think what you just said there’s so brilliant in that why do we think that genitalia is the marker? Or why do we think reproductive parts are the, actual biological body parts, are the marker? What if the marker is the brain?

Theresa Yuan: Right.

Mike Domitrz: And this is where people get confused and they go, “Well wait, if you’re born with this body but your brain’s saying this, then you need to convert to your body.” As if the brain’s not as important. They choose the judgment of which is happening here. The chemical, what they’ll say imbalance, the chemical imbalance versus just a different chemistry than they have. But so they say the body, the physical being, must be what you convert to. Which is interesting, to go, “Well, what about the heart, the soul, and the brain?” We have to ignore all those, and make them something that they don’t fit in, is what you’re saying, correct?

Theresa Yuan: Exactly. Yeah. And ultimately, it does have to do with the brain. And so, if our brain is the organ that controls all of these things, and the expression of all of them, our brain is not gendered. And so what does it really matter? And I think the main issue is not trying to reinforce these sort of myths of identity and gender, but to really go beyond it and come to a place of acceptance and back to your show, respect, that people can choose to express themselves, and define themselves, anyway they like.

Theresa Yuan: And it’s not just gender, it’s with race, or whatever. National identity. Citizenship. Et cetera. So that’s obviously one of the common challenges that we have in our day, politically, right?

Mike Domitrz: Right. Absolutely. And when it comes to gender, some people who may be listening, going “Are you implying there’s more than two genders,” is a question, and I’ve had that in audiences when I say, “Hey, inclusive means all genders,” and people go, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, all? You mean there’s more than two?”

Mike Domitrz: So can you explain that? Are there more than two? Are they defined, or because there’s a spectrum, when we say all, we’re leaving the possibility open?

Theresa Yuan: I’m not an expert on being able to sort of … I’m not an LGBTQIA expert, so I also want to say that, you know, beyond male and female, there’s also intersex, and obviously asexual. And so how you express your gender, it’s the performance of it, basically. It could be the physical performance, in terms of how you dress. It could be gestures. It could be the things that you like in your sort of day to day activities, that you enjoy doing, and how those are associated to particular genders. But ultimately, the combination of those three things really determines what your gender identity is, and that’s why so many people, even who are heterosexual, they might now consider using the they/them pronoun, because they’re tired of being pushed into this box, and trying to fit in.

Mike Domitrz: This next guest I want you to go back and hear again is such a unique personality, and I’ve known Tom for decades now, and brings such a unique perspective to these conversations, that I wanted to highlight this particular interview, in this special show. This is Tom Antion.

Mike Domitrz: Now, Tom’s made millions by internet marketing and creating products that serve others. Let’s listen in.

Mike Domitrz: You had to once write, this story I’ve never forgotten, you were giving a toast at a wedding, and you started looking up, “Hey, where do I find toasts?” And you thought, “Hey, people are constantly looking for this,” and you sold and eBook on toasts for weddings that did very very well, by just helping people find it, and get what they needed.

Tom Antion: $72,000 a year, for that, for nine years straight. That’s how they sell in electrons. I also had one, I don’t know if you know about it, called Instant Eulogy. People were also desperate, at the last minute, they’re distraught. And I help them. That was $42,000 a year for nine years straight, helping people with eulogies. So, it’s all based around helping people, that’s what we all do, is help people, and there’s a value to that.

Mike Domitrz: Well and I’m glad you brought that up, because think when a lot of times people think of internet sales, internet marketing, they have this negative stereotype that often has accompanied such industries as used car sales. Or that there’s this ambulance chasing lawyer concept. That they’re manipulating people to buy. Versus serving people, being present to what people need, and providing that to them. Which is exactly what the eulogy situation was, exactly what the best man speech was. It was saying, “Hey, here’s a need that somebody’s not filling.”

Tom Antion: Well yeah, and I will say that there is a respect involved in manipulating people. Think about that. Again, I’m always gonna go the other direction, right? I know, and in fact, you talked about scams, I started … there’s a TV show in development in Hollywood, called Scam Brigade. It’s me going after bad people. And the industry is fraught with it. So if I know that I’m gonna take care of you as a customer, and keep you from being robbed by other people, I want to get you to buy my stuff, because not only do I believe it’s gonna help you, I know that I’m gonna keep you away from getting robbed by unscrupulous people. So there’s a respect in there, from my point of view.

Tom Antion: I call it manipulation, but I’m manipulating you for your own good, that’s the thing.

Mike Domitrz: Yeah, so let’s discuss that, Tom. Are you manipulating? Or are helping people find what they need? Why are you comfortable with the word, some people would argue, why are you comfortable with the word manipulation?

Tom Antion: I’m comfortable because when you come from a position, goodness, where you know you’re in the other person’s field, you got a feudiciary relationship, to take care of that person, I don’t care what you call it, really, I just know that if you go with me, I’m gonna take care of you, I’m gonna make sure you get great value. This is my one sentence business plan I was telling you about. I’ve lived this way since I was 10 years old, if every business on earth would live by this one sentence, instead of spending 100,000 develop a mission statement, this one sentence will do it.

Tom Antion: I create quality products, that somebody actually wants, at a reasonable price, and I service them after the sale. Every piece of that is respect for the customer, but it can make you a lot of money. There’s no sin in that, as long as you’re giving that great value, showing respect, not fleecing the people because they don’t know any better, which is very common nowadays. So, I don’t really care what you call it. But I want you, and anybody out there, not just me, if you really believe, like you, the work you do, with the DATE Project, and all that stuff, you know that you’re gonna keep people from getting out and getting in trouble, right? You’ve lived that for most of the time I ever knew you, right?

Mike Domitrz: Right.

Tom Antion: So, you better darn well get people to go through your program, to keep them … I mean, yours has bigger ramifications than mine does. Mine, you might have trouble making your car payment if you don’t do it, but you, there could be lifelong ramifications, or not have a life, if they don’t do what you say.

Tom Antion: So, if you manipulate somebody to get somebody to listen to you, I’m cool with it. Totally cool with it.

Mike Domitrz: So I love this language, I think it’s very fascinating. Would somebody say there’s a difference in influence and manipulation? In other words, manipulation is getting you to do something-

Tom Antion: It has a negative connotation.

Mike Domitrz: It does, right? It has a very negative connotation, that you’re getting somebody to do something that they wouldn’t do. But, as I say that, I recognize that’s not negative. To get somebody to do something they wouldn’t normally do is not negative. It can be incredibly powerful.

Tom Antion: The people that you teach, if you can manipulate them not to get drunk and pass out behind a dumpster, so that they’re vulnerable, I’m okay with that.

Mike Domitrz: Thank you for listening to the best of episode of 2018. I can’t wait to have you join us in 2019, the new year.

Mike Domitrz: Before I answer this week’s question of the week, I’d love to ask you a question. Would you please subscribe to this podcast? The Respect Podcast with Mike Domitrz. By subscribing, you can make a huge impact. Now you might be wondering, “Mike, how does my subscribing to your podcast make a huge impact?” Well here’s how. For every person that subscribes, it raises the rankings of the show in the search engines. So for people who care about respect, like yourself, when they’re doing a search or podcasts, they’re more likely to find this show, thus providing an awesome opportunity for us to spread more respect around this world. And all you do is hit subscribe under your podcast.

Mike Domitrz: Plus, the second benefit is by subscribing you automatically get every episode right into your phone, or whatever device you are listening to the podcast on. It happens automatically. So subscribing also makes your life easier.

Mike Domitrz: Now let’s get in to this week’s question of the week. Oh, and by the way, you can always ask your questions of the week, by joining us on Facebook, in our discussion group. It’s called The Respect Podcast Discussion Group. Go there on Facebook, and ask whatever questions you would like me to answer and or address on this segment of the show. And then listen to each episode, to find out when your question is included.

Mike Domitrz: This week’s question of the week is, “Mike, what is your favorite musical?”

Mike Domitrz: Now, if you know me, you know that I am moved my music, film, and the arts, of all different kinds of books. So I love when I get a chance to see a Broadway experience. And there are some very unique ones out there. I’m gonna talk about another one on a different episode. But, I’m gonna answer this one about a 2017 show that I saw. From what I know now, it’s not currently running. It was starring Josh Groban, it was called The Great Comet of 1812.

Mike Domitrz: I found myself moved afterwards, even though there were parts of it I was like, “I don’t know if I like that,” but it was so moving, that it deeply impacted me for a long time, and I realized why. The relationships in there. There’s manipulation, there’s poor decision making, but there’s also a friend in there, who is brilliantly, deeply there as a supportive friend. And she sings a song called Sonya Alone, that character does. I’m gonna invite you to look it up on Spotify, look up The Great Comet of 1812, and listen to the song Sonya Alone. Very deep, very inspiring, and it’s just one of my favorites.

Mike Domitrz: Do you know what I would love? I would love to hear your answer to this week’s question of the week. So would you please answer what your answer would have been if you were asked that question today on the show? All you do is go to our Facebook page, we have a special group where we have these discussions, called The Respect Podcast Discussion Group. So The Respect Podcast Discussion Group, and share with us, what would your answer have been to this week’s question of the week? And, if take a moment, post us a new question for future episodes. What question would you like to hear me answer in an upcoming episode? That’s all done on Facebook, in our special group, which is The Respect Podcast Discussion Group. Can’t wait to see you there.

Mike Domitrz: Thank you for joining us for this episode of The Respect Podcast, which is sponsored by The DATE SAFE Project, at date safe project dot organization. And remember, you can always find me at mike speaks dot com.