The “Slut Reputation” Discussion

“But if I ask for a kiss, my partner is going to assume I also want a lot more than a kiss.”

Over the years of discussing verbal consent with students around the country, this concern has been expressed numerous times, usually by females of various ages. The worry is that showing any verbal sexual communication will lead to her partner thinking she wants “everything” and/or is a “slut.”

If BEFORE you go on a date or meet up you already have a gut feeling your partner is going to disrespect you and/or make assumptions about what he/she can do with you sexually, find a new partner. You deserve to be respected at all times.

The next question is usually, “What about BEFORE I know the person well enough to make a judgement?” TALK with your partner openly and honestly. By both of you understanding “How” to discuss boundaries, wants, and expectations for sexual activity, you help teach each other a respecting partner is going to LISTEN. Your partner will hopefully quickly realize he/she cannot jump to conclusions with what YOU WANT.

One example for you to use on a date:

“Often toward the end of a date, it can get a little awkward because the 2 people don’t know what is expected. To avoid the awkwardness (especially since we are having soo much fun tonight), how do you communicate what you expect and/or want from a partner? For instance, I believe in always ASKING FIRST. If you want to kiss me, ask me. I’ll let you know my answer. I’ll do the same for you. If I want to kiss you, I’ll ask you. If I ask for a kiss or say ‘Yes’ to a kiss, it is a kiss at that point and not more. Anyone who just ‘goes for it’ and tries to do more without asking me first, the date is over. I believe in both of us respecting each other at all times. Is that cool?”

If after this conversation your partner thinks you are a “slut” for having a mature, open discussion on boundaries, follow the approach mentioned earlier and get a new partner! Find someone with the maturity and emotional intelligence to respect you at all times. After all, you deserve respect!

P.S. The above example script provided can be used by all genders and sexual orientation.

– written by Mike Domitrz, Founder of The DATE SAFE Project and Host of the award-winning DVD HELP! My Teen Is Dating. Realistic Solutions to Tough Conversations (available on sale by clicking here). Each year, over 80 educational and military installations around the world bring Mike to share insightful how-to skills for discussing respect in dating, boundaries, bystander intervention and helping your loved ones come to you in difficult times. Plus, over 40,000 copies of Mike’s books May I Kiss You? and Voices of Courage have been distributed internationally.

To obtain permission to reprint any or all portions of this article, Email Mike here

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